


Rebuild and Recover

by hmweasley



Series: The "Recover" Stories [1]
Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-13
Updated: 2014-11-15
Packaged: 2018-02-08 17:57:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 45,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1950723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hmweasley/pseuds/hmweasley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Katniss and Peeta have both returned to District 12 after a war that left them damaged and scarred. Now they must recover from what they have suffered while District 12 rebuilds around them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gone

**Author's Note:**

> This is written for themes 51-75 of the Hunger Games 100 theme challenge, which is from another website. Each chapter is one of the themes. It's going to have a somewhat similar format to my earlier story called Life Lessons in that it's mostly episodic yet is also chronological. However, I think this story also has more of an overarching story than Life Lessons has and stands together more as one story as opposed to a series of one-shots that Life Lessons could be taken as. This story could also fit in as a prequel to Life Lessons, but it doesn't have to be. Knowledge of one story isn't at all necessary to read either one.

_“Sometimes you're doing really well, then, after three or four years, everything inexplicably crashes like a house of cards and you have to rebuild it. It's not like you get to a point where you're all right for the rest of your life.” - Patti Smith_

_“There is one consolation in being sick; and that is the possibility that you may recover to a better state than you were ever in before.” - Henry David Thoreau_

Chapter 1: Gone

_“True love doesn’t happen right away; it’s an ever-growing process. It develops after you’ve gone through many ups and downs, when you’ve suffered together, cried together, laughed together.” - Ricardo Montalban_

The sun was shining again. Peeta wasn’t sure when he had decided to take a mental catalogue of the weather each day, but at some point he had realized that rain hadn’t fallen since he’d been back in District 12. He tried to think back to what the weather was usually like at this time of year, but he was met with the fog that was all too familiar these days. He pushed the thoughts away. He had more important memories to clear than weather.

With so little of an idea on what he had done with his time, Peeta had more or less been going off of what others told him about his past. That meant a lot of baking and painting. Planting the primroses yesterday had been his own idea though, and that had resulted in actually getting to spend time with Katniss. After that, Peeta had resolved to stop worrying about what he was supposed to like doing and just do what he wanted to do.

That proved easier said than done he was discovering. The sun was inching closer and closer to the highest point in the sky, and Peeta hadn’t yet gotten up from his kitchen table after breakfast. He knew what he wanted. He wanted to see Katniss again. He just didn’t know how to achieve that. Bake her some bread and bring it over? He wouldn’t see her until late that afternoon when the bread finally cooled. Paint her a picture? Who knew how long it would take for him to actually be happy with one, and she’d probably think he was crazy.

Except he was crazy. Katniss was crazy. Haymitch was crazy. They were all crazy, and Peeta was sick of it. He just wanted the fog to go away.

Movement outside his window caught Peeta’s eye, and he jumped up to see what was going on. Katniss. She was walking through Peeta’s backyard dressed in what Peeta could vaguely recall as the clothes she’d often worn in the past, but it was the first time he’d seen her in them since the hijacking. He saw the bow in her hands, and he figured she must be heading off to the woods. He just didn’t know why she was sneaking around behind their houses instead of using the street. Some habits must die hard. Unless they were taken from you.

Peeta sighed as he finally stood and carried his empty plate over to the sink. He didn’t know much about hunting, but he figured Katniss would be gone most of the day. He began absent-mindedly scrubbing at the plate as his thoughts wandered. He should be happy for her. As far as Peeta was aware, this was the second day in a row she’d gone hunting, a first since they returned to District 12. A return to routine might have been good for her. It could help her clear her head.

She didn’t seem to be avoiding him, at least not purposefully. Yesterday hadn’t gone over completely like Peeta had hoped, but Katniss had let him plant the primroses. They hadn’t really spoken, but Katniss had seemed more surprised than turned off my his presence. Katniss had looked at the primroses with such a strong surge of emotion before scurrying back inside her house, but from what Peeta could remember, Katniss had always kind of been like that. If anything, his and Katniss’s interaction was just about the only thing that could explain her sudden desire to hunt again. Maybe Peeta should have been proud of himself.

Instead, he just felt lonely.

Peeta looked down at the plate to see that any remnants of food had long since disappeared under the steady stream of water. The rag slipped from his fingers back into the sink, and he let the dish clang down onto the rack meant for drying.

He thought momentarily that he could go see Haymitch, but he immediately thought better of it. Visiting Haymitch had been the first thing he’d done upon reaching District 12, and he was willing to wait a bit longer to repeat the experience. His old mentor would come out of his drunken stupor once his alcohol ran out, and Peeta would be there when he did.

With lack of anything else to do, Peeta left the kitchen for the living room that had become his makeshift art studio. Easels holding up half-painted canvases littered the room. Peeta had been surprised how quickly painting had come back to him. Maybe he had an innate talent or maybe it was just a memory that the Capitol hadn’t bothered to take. Either way, he handled the brush and paints the same way he always had.

Yet he still hadn’t managed to get more than halfway done with a single painting. Images came to him. Horrible ones that he wanted to get out, but the fog always encroached. He could never see them clearly enough to accurately depict them, so he’d always move onto the next one hoping for a better result.

Peeta laid one of the older attempts down on the sofa and replaced it with a clean canvas. He hadn’t had a plan before picking up the brush, but as soon as it was in his hands, he was dipping the utensil in paint. The brush was already creating strokes across the canvas when Peeta realized what it was he was painting: Katniss’s house. Or rather, the small plot of dirt beside it. The one with the primroses.

Peeta didn’t notice as the sun moved across the sky. He was far too wrapped up in his art. The scenery would have been recognizable to anyone now, and he was just beginning to add Katniss into the scene when it suddenly hit him that it was getting harder to distinguish the colors. He glanced around to take in his darkened surroundings. The jolt of being pulled from his own mind made him pick up on the growling of his stomach.

He laid the brush down and took in what he could see of the painting. The primroses stood out to him, even in the darkness. Peeta tried to recall his memories of Prim, but he could just barely see her through the fog. He glanced toward another canvas across the room where he could just make out the form of a young girl, the color of her hair similar to that of the flowers Peeta had painted just that day.

A knock on his door startled Peeta, and his brush hit the floor, leaving a streak of light tan on the wood.

XXX

Katniss remembered the days when she welcomed the morning sun coming through her bedroom window. It was much better than those nasty alarm clocks she knew some used. There was no sense in wasting daylight and not waking up with the sun.

Now, however, she longed for an escape from the intense light. It had been like this since she’d been back: Katniss burrowing deep in her sheets to escape the day every morning, too scared to seek refuge in one of the other two bedrooms, which had windows facing the other side of the house. The doors to those had remained firmly latched shut since Katniss’s return to District 12. Her mother hadn’t contacted her since they parted ways in the Capitol, so Katniss figured she didn’t want anything she’d left behind. Prim’s room had taken on a shrine-like quality in Katniss’s mind. One that was far too holy for Katniss to enter. She was too dirty and unworthy to be in that space, so she stayed out. It was better that way.

A groan broke the oppressive silence that had been marking her days, and Katniss was only vaguely aware that it was her own. She threw the covers back suddenly, tired of the sweltering body heat that had collected around her through the night. She glared at the window, feeling the need to project her anger at something. At first she could see nothing but a glare of light, but soon her eyes adjusted to take in the clear blue sky. It was too pretty. She didn’t want to sit up and get a better view.

Standing from the bed, Katniss kept her back firmly towards the window. She made her way downstairs wearing the same clothes she’d been in yesterday. Even after her impromptu hunting trip yesterday, Katniss still didn’t have the motivation to change regularly.

Katniss knew what she would find in the cupboards as she pulled them open. The heel of a loaf of bread sat in plain sight. The only food left in the house. Greasy Sae was sure to bring some with her on her next trip, but Katniss finally felt like maybe she should start functioning well enough to feel herself.

She thought of the bow and sheath of arrows laying in her front closet. Even with yesterday’s failure of a hunting trip, Katniss hadn’t strung her bow since she’d been back, hadn’t shot an arrow since the one that had pierced Alma Coin. She also hadn’t had any meat that wasn’t bought from District 10 and offered from Greasy Sae. Meat from District 10 wasn’t as limited now as in the past from what Katniss had heard, but Katniss wondered how much money it was costing.

By the time she had finished her breakfast of bread, Katniss had made up her mind. She grabbed the bow and arrows from the hall closet, ignoring the way her hands shook as they held them. There was still no use for bathing or a change of clothes, but Katniss pulled on her boots for the second time in less than twenty-four hours. It momentarily dazed her when she stood, still not used to the slight change in her height after so many days of hardly standing at all.

She was out her back door and halfway across Peeta’s yard before she realized that she could have gone through town. Katniss prefered the seclusion though, and she continued traveling along the outskirts until she reached the familiar gap in the fence. A furtive glance shot out of habit showed her that she was still completely alone as she slipped out of District 12 and into the woods.

Several feet into the forest, Katniss paused and shut her eyes to take in the familiar sounds that surrounded her. It felt like it had been so long since she’d been in any forest, let alone this one. She figured the surroundings should have brought back horrible memories of her games or struggling for survival with Gale, but instead, she just felt more at peace than she had in recent memory.

Katniss traveled along the familiar paths with little thought. She startled to come across the rotting corpse of a rabbit in one of Gale’s old traps. Of course they were still here, unchecked for months. Katniss held back the bile that rose in her throat at the smell. In all her years of killing, she had never been around something so decomposed. She quickly ran through her options. It would have been easy enough to leave the animal and the trap, but Katniss knew the smart thing to do would be to remove the corpse and try to salvage the trap.

She did her best to keep her mouth and nose covered with her shirt as she cut the small body free. It took her longer than she would have liked to dig a shallow hole for the rabbit, but she couldn’t bring it in herself to leave it there. Hunting animals had long ago ceased to bring any emotion from her, but a large part of Katniss couldn’t help but feel sympathy for a rabbit that died a useless death such as this.

The irony that a small animal was getting the burial Prim and so many others never would wasn’t lost on Katniss. Her eyes scanned the surrounding area before falling on a small clump of wildflowers nearby. Prim would have liked them, Katniss thought. She pulled them gently up from their stem before ambling back over to the makeshift grave. Sudden laughter burst from Katniss’s lips as she arranged the flowers neatly over the grave. Shocked into silence, she looked around, as if scared someone would suddenly pop out from behind a tree.

Sparing one last glance as the grave, she rose and continued on with her hunting.

By the time she needed to head back to town, Katniss had managed to kill a rabbit, not unlike the one she had earlier buried, and a squirrel. She hadn’t checked the other traps, deciding to leave any potential burials for other days. A deer had wandered across her path at one point, but it would have been too much trouble to carry it back into town alone. Besides, Katniss didn’t need all that meat herself, and she wasn’t in the mood for bartering.

Once at home, Katniss set to work preparing the skinned animals for her meal. Her thoughts wandered briefly to Haymitch and Peeta. It was doubtful that either of them had been eating much more than she had, and Haymitch, in particular, could use the nutrients. A part of Katniss wanted to eat all of the meat herself considering the bread from that morning had long since been digested, yet she forced herself to make the trek to Haymitch’s door with the platter of meat.

Katniss wandered into the house without waiting for an invitation she knew wouldn’t come. Her feet knew to take her directly to the kitchen, and she was unsurprised to come across her past mentor passed out at the table with a half-empty bottle of liquor in his hands. A knife peaked out from under his arms.

Setting the meat down on the table, Katniss walked around the passed out Haymitch and towards his cupboards. They were just as bare as Katniss had expected, but she was able to find a chipped, old plate that would serve her purposes. She carried it back to the table and piled a third of the meat onto it.

Katniss never relished waking Haymitch from his drunken naps, so she left just as silently as she had come, leaving the plate of meat on his table.

There was a slight hesitation in Katniss’s step as she walked to Peeta’s door. This wouldn’t be like Haymitch. Peeta would answer, and she would have no choice but to engage in conversation for the first time since she had last seen him.

Yesterday had been a good day. Katniss wasn’t sure if she would have been able to work up the willpower to hunt today if it hadn’t been for yesterday, but nothing was guaranteed with Peeta. She had braced herself to expect the worst by the time she knocked on the door. Her feet poised themselves to run should he show up with a knife and an intent to kill her.

As it turned out, she needn't have worried. Peeta opened the door looking confused and decidedly not murderous.

“Katniss?” His voice cracked from lack of use, and Katniss was reminded that she wasn’t the only recluse these days.

She held up the platter as if it offered all of the explanation needed. At Peeta’s raised eyebrow, she flushed slightly. “I went hunting today. I already took Haymitch some meat, and I thought maybe you’d want some as well?”

There was something in Peeta’s eyes that Katniss couldn’t identify, something that she’d seen yesterday as well. Something from the old Peeta, and not the new one that she was still struggling to know.

“That sounds great.” Peeta smiled, and though it was small, it was genuine. “Do you want to come in? We can eat together. I haven’t had dinner yet.”

“Me either,” Katniss voiced as she followed Peeta awkwardly into the house. She glanced curiously around the place as she followed Peeta toward the kitchen. She was struck not for the first time how similar yet different it was to hers. There almost seemed to be less ghosts here. Less signs of former occupants who were now gone.

She could barely make out the shape of canvases in the dark living room as they passed. Many times since she learned of his return Katniss had wondered what Peeta was painting these days, but no matter how hard she strained her eyes, she couldn’t make anything out.

Peeta seemed oblivious to Katniss’s snooping, even when she entered the kitchen later than someone directly following him should have. He was digging through a cabinet, and after some clanging, he pulled away with two plates in his hands. He offered her a smile as he laid one in front of the place Katniss had claimed. The one Peeta clearly hadn’t been using recently.

Peeta turned his back to her before Katniss could even decide whether or not to smile back. She watched him curiously, even as she set to work dividing up their simple dinner. He was back at the cabinet, only this time he pulled out two glasses that he quickly filled with water from the faucet.

He came and sat one in front of her without comment.

“Thank you,” she muttered quietly as he sat down across from her. Her eyes had come to firmly rest on the plate in front of her, and she didn’t look up to see if Peeta had begun eating or not. Instead, she set to work on her own plate and relished the first protein she’d had in several days.

“This is good.”

Katniss looked up in surprise. Peeta, who was still eating the meat he had just complimented, didn’t seem to notice her gaze. She hadn’t done anything special. Anyone with a brain knew how to heat meat all the way through. It wasn’t as if she had added any of those spices or sauces the Capitol always used.

“Thank you,” she finally said with a small hesitant smile. It had probably been too late to seem like a natural response, but after her brain had processed it, Katniss figured that was what she was supposed to say.

Peeta seemed to hear the hesitation in her voice and finally looked up at her with a smile that she hadn’t seen since his hijacking. This one wasn’t as cautious. It was playful and had a bit of an edge to it. He also made eye contact with her for the first time that day, and Katniss could feel the heat rushing across her cheeks.

Katniss went to take another bite and was startled when she found that her plate was empty. She knew that Peeta would be suppressing a smirk if she looked, so she reached for her glass instead and took a long drink of water.

“How was the woods then?” Peeta asked once Katniss had set the glass back down.

“Good.” Katniss shrugged. “Same as always.”

Such a simple response, but they both knew how rare “same” was these days.

Peeta nodded as he gathered up his now empty plate along with Katniss’s and took them to the sink.

“It must be nice.” He spoke with his back to her as he washed the dishes. Katniss thought she should probably help, but she was enjoying the bit of relaxation that came with having his back to her. “Having a place that’s familiar, I mean.”

Katniss didn’t want to do this, but she forced herself to breathe deeply before answering. “I suppose. Bit haunting though.”

Peeta nodded as he moved on to drying the plates. The only sound for several minutes was the clanking of dishes as Peeta stored them away where they usually sat. Katniss had downed the rest of her water for lack of anything better to do, and she almost hoped that Peeta would decide to wash the glass as well so his eyes would remain off of her. Instead, he took his seat directly across from her again. He was watching her closely, as if just waiting for her to decide to leave.

They had nothing to say to each other. Each one knew of the continuous thoughts the other had, and neither one had anything remarkable that could usurp that. Katniss knew she ought to go back to her own house and sleep, lock herself up alone again as she had for days, but something in Peeta’s gaze held her to the seat. Being here was useless. She might as well leave, but too much of her wanted to stay. After all, being anywhere was useless, so she might as well be useless with Peeta.

“I think we’ll be okay.”

Katniss gasped as she looked back up at Peeta. He was watching her with an intense expression that left Katniss taken aback. It was the surest she’d seen him since before the hijacking, and she wondered when the old Peeta had started returning, how long she’d been missing it in her avoidance.

She nodded her agreement, not knowing how to voice it.

They would be okay. Never completely whole again. Quite possibly never completely happy. But okay they could do eventually. They could be okay. Together.


	2. Wedding

_“An invitation to a wedding invokes more trouble than a summons to a police court.” - William Feather_

Katniss had been staring at the card in her hand for well over ten minutes, and she still wasn’t sure if she had actually processed what it was telling her. She’d been surprised enough before she’d even discovered what the card contained. A regular, daily mail service had taken a bit of time to set up nationwide after the war, and even once it was going, Katniss only expected the occasional letter from Annie when she didn’t want to use the phone. All of the people she knew in the Capitol preferred the much quicker method of the telephone, and no one in District 12 needed the bother of sending mail to each other.

That’s why she had been taken aback to see that this envelope had traveled only inside the district. Once she had freed the card from the envelope, Katniss could tell that a lot of work had gone into making cheap materials appear as nice as possible. Her stomach sank as she realized that this was something important. Something she’d probably get trapped into.

Katniss didn’t know what she had been expecting, but a wedding invitation certainly wasn’t it. The district was still in the middle of repairs. The rubble had all been cleared away, but many of the buildings around town were still little more than steel frames. Some lots still sat empty, like the scars of the town. Katniss didn’t know this Jett Pourahmadi man, but she knew that Delly was heavily involved with the rebuilding process.

Katniss also knew that weddings could be performed with very little fuss, yet this invitation suggested Delly was going all out. District 12 didn’t do fancy weddings. No one had ever had the time or money. Apparently, Delly intended to change that. How she planned to change that and help rebuild the town at the same time, Katniss didn’t know. Delly had always struck Katniss as a bit too optimistic about things. No sane person would ever do that to themselves. Then again, no sane person would have a big wedding in Katniss’s mind. What was the point when you could just walk into City Hall and be done with it?

Katniss wasn’t sure how long she had been staring at the letter when a knock sounded at her door. Laying the card down on the kitchen table she’d been sitting at, Katniss went to go let Peeta in. It had become their routine lately. Peeta would come over in the morning, they’d each go off and do their own thing during the day, and they’d meet back at Peeta’s for supper.

“Have you seen this?” Peeta asked, waving his own card in Katniss’s face as soon as he was in the door.

Katniss nodded as she lead the way back to the kitchen. She pulled out the cheese buns that Peeta had given her the night before along with some jam and sat them in front of Peeta at the table. He eagerly began piling some on his plate as Katniss joined him.

“Have you met the guy?” Katniss asked as she added jam to a bun. She didn’t particularly want to discuss the wedding, but she had no other ideas for conversation. Besides, she would begrudgingly admit to being curious about the man Delly was apparently planning to share her life with.

Peeta frowned and shook his head. “Not surprising though, is it? We haven’t exactly been social the past couple of months.”

“I suppose not.” The thought didn’t quell Katniss’s discomfort. “But Delly’s only been back in District 12 a week or so longer than us. She has to have only met this guy two months ago at the most. How is she already engaged?”

“Clearly, she’s managed to fall in love with him.”

Katniss snorted. “That’s ridiculous.”

Peeta raised an eyebrow, and Katniss felt a light blush color her cheeks.

“Not falling in love,” she felt the need to explain. “Falling in love after knowing each other less than two months.”

“Maybe they’ve known each other for a long time. Hey, it’s possible he followed her back here from District 13.”

Katniss wrinkled her nose. She was all for a greater freedom to move amongst districts, but the idea of someone from District 13 living in 12 left a bad taste in her mouth.

“Maybe,” she relented. “But she still can’t possibly know by now that she wants to spend her whole life with him.”

“I don’t know.” Peeta was looking intently at his food. “I think you can sometimes tell pretty quickly.”

“But you never know when something will happen to make you change your mind.”

Peeta laughed slightly, still not looking directly at Katniss. “I don’t think people usually change their minds. Maybe they forget for a while, but you don’t fall out of love. If you do, then you were never really in love with someone in the first place.”

Katniss was watching Peeta intently now. For the first time in her memory, it frustrated her that he wouldn’t make eye contact. A large part of her wanted to continue the conversation, but an even larger part was screaming at her to avoid all talks of love with Peeta. Abruptly, she loudly scooted her chair back from the table. She could think of nothing to occupy her or excuse her sudden movements. Clearing her throat awkwardly, she headed into the hall and to the closet that stored her hunting gear.

Katniss was tying up her boots when she heard Peeta’s ever loud footsteps coming down the hall and stopping right behind her.

“I guess I should leave and let you go hunt then.” He cleared his throat and began walking for the door, not waiting for Katniss to respond.

Katniss’s mind had gone blank with no idea of what to say, but just as Peeta was about to close the door, she heard herself speak. “See you later, Peeta.”

Peeta stopped the door, and Katniss could just barely see him smiling through the small crack.

“See you later, Katniss.”

She offered him a slight smile as the door shut tight.

XXX

Katniss had the nasty habit of running into Delly at least once a week, so she shouldn’t have been surprised to come face to face with the girl several days later. It wasn’t that Katniss didn’t like Delly. At this point, Delly was one of the few people Katniss could consider a friend. It was just that the girl was chatty, and Katniss didn’t like getting suddenly thrown into long conversations that she wasn’t prepared for.

Now, Delly had an even brighter glow about her, and Katniss knew that this would be even harder to get through than usual.

“Katniss!” Delly called excitedly. She was running the twenty feet to Katniss while waving her left hand in the air. Katniss could just make out the glint of the ring that graced one of the fingers. Engagement rings were a fad that went in and out in the Capitol, but Katniss believed no one in District 12 would have ever wanted something so flashy and useless, even if they could afford it. Except for Delly, it seemed.

Once Delly got closer, the ring was being shoved directly in Katniss’s face, and Katniss could see that it was a quite modest, if completely useless, ring. In fact, Katniss wasn’t even sure if that was a real diamond in the middle or not, but it didn’t matter, as few from District 12 would be able to tell the difference.

“Isn’t it gorgeous?” Delly gushed as she bobbed up and down on her toes. Katniss offered a slight nod in response. She didn’t think Delly had actually been expecting one because she immediately launched into a long speech about the engagement and this Jett man who Katniss still didn’t know.

Delly seemed to realize this same fact after several minutes, and her loud gasp caused Katniss to actually snap her attention back to the girl.

“You haven’t met Jett yet, have you?”

Katniss shook her head and fought to keep a frown off of her face. She just wanted to get home after selling the last of her meat. She didn’t want to be introduced to anyone today, yet she didn’t resist as Delly wrapped a hand around her wrist and began pulling her in the direction of a group working on what had formerly been the butcher shop.

Katniss took in the work they’d managed since the last time she’d seen the building. It was finally starting to look like a building instead of a metal skeleton. They seemed to be rebuilding the former building exactly, but Katniss had no idea if it would once again be a butcher shop. They’d have to find a new butcher since Rooba was gone. If anything, Katniss had begun to fill the job with her hunting no longer being considered a part of the black market.

Katniss had barely taken in the building when Delly came to a stop in front of a man that was slightly taller than Peeta. He had a Seam look about him, which made it odd for Katniss to see Delly, with her town look, saddle up to him. They kissed in greeting, and Katniss inspected a metal beam several feet away, not looking back until Delly spoke.

“Katniss, this is my fiance Jett. Jett, this is Katniss.”

Katniss nodded slightly as the man smiled at her.

“I’ve heard of you.” He stuck a hand out for her to shake, which Katniss took briefly. “The famous Mockingjay. I’d actually seen you around before the bombings, but I was several years older, so we never really crossed paths.”

Katniss nodded along, not sure what to say. It was quiet for several moments before Katniss said, “Congratulations,” realizing that she hadn’t offered the customary words yet.

Delly and Jett didn’t seem to sense her awkwardness, and turned once more to smile at each other happily. Katniss cringed as it looked like they were about to kiss once more.

“Thank you,” Delly finally spoke as if realizing that Katniss was still there. “It’s all been kind of fast, but it feels like it’s for the best, you know?”

Katniss didn’t know, but she nodded along anyway, still trying to think of how to get away without being rude. She was starting to hope they’d just start kissing again so she could escape.

“There’s been so much to do with the wedding being in just a few weeks. Jett’s mom wanted to have longer to plan, but I want to be married, you know?” Katniss just kept up her frequent nodding. “It’s definitely been keeping me busy. I’ve been so concerned with figuring out the guest list. I want to give people time to reply, but I also need it finalized as soon as possible. You’re coming right? And Peeta?”

Katniss froze. She hadn’t been planning on going, but Delly was looking at her so eagerly and even Jett was smiling expectantly.

“Hard to believe the Mockingjay will be at my wedding.” Jett shook his head. “Never would have thought.”

Katniss’s stomach sunk, but she forced a smile on her face. “I-We’ll be there. Peeta and me both. Yeah.”

Delly clapped her hands together in excitement. It was becoming even more of a struggle for Katniss not to frown.

“I, um, need to go,” Katniss said. “Peeta’s waiting.”

“Oh, of course.” Suddenly, Delly was tugging Katniss back out of the construction area. “I need to go see about some wedding plans anyway. Walk together?”

Katniss nodded even though they already were.

By the time Katniss finally made it to Peeta’s for supper, he was waiting for her on his front porch, sketchpad in hand. He watched her closely as she approached, no doubt picking up on her mood. She perched herself on the step beside him and blew out a huff of air before speaking.

“We’re going to Delly’s wedding.”

“We are?”

He was no doubt thinking about her flat out refusal over the past several days.

“Ran into Delly. I couldn’t say no.”

Katniss buried her face in her hands, which kept her from seeing the happy smile on Peeta’s face.

XXX

Katniss frowned at her reflection in the mirror of her room. It was three weeks later, and Delly’s wedding was in an hour. It hadn’t occurred to Katniss until several days ago that the invitation called for “your best outfit.” She had spent a good deal of time digging up the Capitol clothes that she had so happily buried away to never be seen again.

She stood now in a dress of Cinna’s design. It was the simplest one she’d been able to find, partly as a small rebellion against the “best” the invitation had requested and also a desire to not stand out amongst the other guests.

Peeta’s knock sounded through the house, and Katniss quickly turned away from the mirror and hurried downstairs. He was standing on the other side of the door wearing a simple suit that was clearly Capitol-made, and Katniss found herself thankful that she wouldn’t be alone in that regard.

“Ready to go?” Peeta asked. He was smiling brightly as Katniss stepped out from her house.

It was still in the throes of summer, but Katniss felt a bit chilly from the amount of skin she was showing with her dress. She wasn’t revealing anything she hadn’t revealed before on national television, but there was a large difference from being dressed up by a prep team in the Capitol to be the Mockingjay and being dressed up by yourself in District 12 to be yourself.

Once they reached the wedding, Katniss was happy to see that others had arrived as well, but the crowd was small enough at the moment that she could be seated without walking in front of everyone. Peeta led her to a still empty row towards the back, understanding that Katniss wouldn’t want to sit farther up. A few of the guests turned to look at the Mockingjay and Peeta Mellark as they sat, but Peeta didn’t seem to notice. Katniss stared pointedly at the platform the bride and groom would stand on to avoid the looks.

Katniss was actually thankful when the ceremony that she’d been dreading began and the looks all turned towards Delly and Jett instead. Even Katniss could admit that the couple looked happy, although she didn’t understand the sobbing she heard throughout the crowd. The entire thing was simpler than Katniss had expected, which was nice. It was also over within fifteen minutes, which was even nicer.

Peeta was adamant that they stand around for what must have been a half an hour just to briefly shake Delly’s and Jett’s hands and offer their congratulations, but they were still back in Victor’s Village much sooner than Katniss had anticipated.

It was still the early afternoon, but Katniss didn’t decline Peeta’s invitation to come directly over to his house. That morning she had been adamant about removing her dress as quickly as possible, but she had grown used to it and wasn’t as eager to rid herself of it when there was only Peeta around.

“It was nice,” Peeta commented as they sat in their usual seats at his kitchen table. They always sat in here, and Katniss wondered if Peeta was worried about her seeing his paintings. In all the time she had spent in his house over the past month and a half, she had yet to step foot in the living room.

“It was,” she agreed.

Peeta smiled at her from across the table, and Katniss offered a tentative smile back. Neither one said anything else about the wedding, but it remained on Katniss’s mind for the rest of the night.


	3. Fantasy

_“If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform one million realities.” - Maya Angelou_

Sleeping had become difficult for Peeta since Delly’s wedding. He felt bad calling a lack of nightmares difficult. For the first time that he could really remember, sleeping didn’t involve waking up screaming and frightened; it involved waking up to an entirely different problem, one which might have been more frustrating.

It wasn’t that Peeta wished for the nightmares back. He’d take these fantasies over the nightmares any day, but he shuddered to think how Katniss would feel if she knew. With his past memories of her corrupted, Peeta couldn’t know if he’d ever dreamt of her this way in the past, and it was a new experience. He had come to like her more and more recently. He might even hesitantly say that he was beginning to love her all over again, but these sexual dreams were new.

Peeta hadn’t really had any sexual feelings since the hijacking. There were just too many more pressing thoughts filling his mind. That left him scouring through his memories to the times before, but he came up blank every time. Sure, he knew how it all worked. He could recall memories of health class in school and of conversations with his friends through the years. He could even remember making out with several different girls, but if he ever so much as thought about anything more sexual, the memories were blurred out. That only led him to two different conclusions: either he had absolutely no sexual feelings before the hijacking or the vast majority of his sexual feelings had been directed towards Katniss. He was going to go with the later.

It was as if these fantasies were the final proof he needed to confirm his previous feelings for Katniss. He didn’t feel as hesitant about pursuing a relationship with her as he had since the trackerjacker venom warped his memories, but he wasn’t going to rush it either. They had time, and neither were in a particular healthy place yet, a sentiment that was exemplified in Peeta’s inability to deal with simple wet dreams.

Peeta had been lying awake for more than an hour now. He wasn’t avoiding sleep, but his mind was so full of thoughts of previous dreams that he couldn’t close his eyes. Part of him wanted to actually act on the fantasies, but another part couldn’t bear to think of Katniss like that any more than what was unavoidable. It was all still so confusing.

Peeta had been worried lately that his dreams were becoming obvious. Well, probably not their exact content, but Katniss was at least suspicious that something odd was happening inside Peeta’s head. He couldn’t help it if his hands sometimes shook around her or if he stuttered over his words. It had been difficult enough to convince her that he wasn’t having an episode, and he still wasn’t sure she had entirely believed him. Peeta could live with that. He’d rather have her believing it was all linked back to the hijacking than knowing the truth.

If there was one thing Peeta had re-learned about Katniss over the past month, it was that relationships weren’t her strong point. She was awkward around everyone as far as Peeta could tell. She had become more comfortable around him, but Peeta still saw her hesitate over anything even remotely personal that happened between them. She’d bolt if he let her know of any of this.

He groaned as he buried his face deeper in his pillow with Katniss continuing to float around in his mind. He’d never get a good night’s sleep again.

Peeta couldn’t know that Katniss was also currently laying awake in her own bed. Her thoughts weren’t exactly the same, but they were focused on a dream she had just awoken from too, one that was significantly different from the nightmares she was used to having.

She stared at her ceiling as she tried to make sense of what her subconscious had shown her: a life where she and Peeta were together, really together, and almost happy. It was the sort of thinking Katniss would have never allowed in her waking hours, but now she couldn’t get it out of her mind.

It was ridiculous to hope for something so normal when her life had been torn apart by war, yet for the first time, she had actually seen it. Now, she didn’t know how to make it go away.


	4. Lock and Key

_“A man who is 'of sound mind' is one who keeps the inner madman under lock and key.” - Paul Valery_

When the weather had begun getting colder, Peeta had decided it was time to think about cleaning out his house. It had sat empty for months and, although somewhat occupied for a while now, hadn’t been kept up as so. There were rooms Peeta still hadn’t stepped foot in, with all of his movements being confined to his bedroom, the bathroom, the kitchen, and the living room. They were the necessary rooms, and Peeta hadn’t wanted to confront any more demons than were necessary. He didn’t want to know what demons may have been lurking in other corners of the house.

As it turned out, Peeta shouldn’t have been worried. He’d made it through both the upstairs and downstairs without coming across anything that prompted an emotional response. Now there was nothing left other than the cellar, and he wasn’t really worried about that one.

His attempts to recall whether or not he had ever stored anything in the cellar came up blank, but this time Peeta didn’t think it was the hijacking. If he had bothered to store something down there, then it hadn’t been important enough for him to remember.

The cellar of the house could only be reached by going out to the back of the house and opening a metal door that led down into the ground. It was difficult for Peeta to maneuver down the stone steps with only one real leg, and he felt the coldness of the concrete wall as he leaned on it for support. Luckily, sun was coming in directly through the door, which allowed enough light through to light up the entire cellar.

Upon reaching the floor, Peeta gazed around at the dirty, unused room. In the limited light, he almost missed the small chest that sat pushed up into the corner. It was instantly familiar once he saw it. The chest had been one of the few things he had taken with him from his parents’ house. It had stored the majority of Peeta’s belongings during the move, but as far as he could remember, he had mostly emptied it and put all of the items around the house. He must have decided that the cellar was as good a place as any to store the chest and forget about it.

Peeta walked over to the chest and kneeled in front of it, ignoring the cold roughness of the stone under his knee. The key was still in its place in the lock, which could only mean that there was nothing of value in the chest. Peeta turned it anyway in curiousity.

At first glance, the chest really did appear empty. Then the photographs strewn across the bottom caught his eye. He gasped as he took in the faces that he had been working the most fervently to forget.

It wasn’t often that people in District 12 took photos. A camera was a one time expense, but the cost of film could add up and was often difficult to find. Peeta knew that his family’s own camera had been passed down and was old enough that it still working was a miracle. His mother liked having the luxury, and she would gather the family for photographs whenever she could round up the money for film and whatever it was she needed to develop it. The photos were of rather poor quality, with the cheapest materials being used and being developed by someone with only a rudimentary knowledge of photography, but they served their purpose of taking Peeta back to the past.

Peeta could recall the moment when his mother had shoved these pictures in his hands as he was preparing to leave their house in town for this one in Victor’s Village. It was only a few of the least noteworthy, in his mother’s eyes, ones that she had taken over the years. His mother proudly displayed the ones she liked best in order to show off their “wealth.” Still, it had shocked Peeta that she was willing to part from any of them, and he had almost expected the photos to be ripped from his hands as he knelt down in front of her to store them in the chest.

Once he’d gotten to his new house, Peeta hadn’t seen the need to display them, and they had been the only items to remain in the chest when he stored it.

Now Peeta realized that all of his mother’s other photographs would be gone, burned to ash just like the bakery and every member of his family. It was one of the least important things gone, he knew, but he still felt a twinge of longing to be able to look at the other photographs. The Capitol probably had better images of his parents and brothers if Peeta ever wanted to look for them, but there was something about these photographs that made up for their slightly blurred and faded subjects.

Flipping through the photos, Peeta could see the progression of him and his brothers through the years. Even his parents got noticeably older as he flipped. They were false representations. The smiles on everyone’s faces were forced because of his mother’s insistence that they smile or not eat dinner that night, and everyone looked stiff and awkward as they posed. Still, there was something endearing that hadn’t been there the last time Peeta looked at these.

He wondered briefly if he should take them into the house and find a way to display them. It was the only way Peeta knew to honor his family now that they were gone. He was turning the key again, pictures in hand, when he suddenly second guessed himself. Before he could even process his actions, the chest was open again and the photos were dropped to the bottom where they scattered. Peeta looked at them briefly before closing the chest’s lid once again and successfully locking it.

Peeta couldn’t do it. He couldn’t look them in their faces every day. Not yet. He knew where the pictures were though, and they would be there when he could face them.


	5. Poison

_“I know from personal experience how damaging it can be to live with bitterness and unforgiveness. I like to say it's like taking poison and hoping your enemy will die. And it really is that harmful to us to live this way.” - Joyce Meyer_

Victors weren’t the most sociable of groups. Even Peeta, a social butterfly in comparison to Katniss and Haymitch, didn’t spend much time in town these days. This was sure to change in the future once the bakery was finished being rebuilt. Peeta had agreed to run it with so little thought that Katniss had been surprised. He seemed to welcome the ability to return to normalcy.

Still, with several months until that project was completed, Katniss and Peeta had remained recluses except on the occasions when food or other necessities were needed, but they had each other for company. Neither really felt entirely alone.

Haymitch was another story. As far as Katniss and Peeta knew, he hadn’t been sober since the end of the war. Times were good, and the district had yet to run short enough on alcohol that Haymitch couldn’t get what he wanted. Once a week, Haymitch could be found stumbling back from town with his arms loaded with as much alcohol that he could carry and a few items of food that had been forced upon him by Greasy Sae, who had begun running the grocery because there was no one else to do the job.

Taking her job as the source of the majority of District 12’s food supply very seriously, Greasy Sae had become great at hounding people to make sure they had enough. There were no shortages now on any of the necessities, and programs had been set in place to make sure that everyone was at least getting enough to survive. It was a set up that Katniss hadn’t even known was possible, and apparently no one else had either. Possibly because they believed it too good to be true, many residents were still trying to get by on as little as they could, feeling that they needed to save any of the “extra” money they were managing to get, and Greasy Sae acted as an impassioned reminder that times were changing.

Haymitch didn’t have the problem of not believing in the system, but he did have the problem of not caring enough. Katniss and Peeta had witnessed one of his weekly arguments with Greasy Sae. She had tried loading him up with food while he resisted because he needed to carry as much alcohol back home as possible. Peeta had stepped in and offered to carry all of the food to Haymitch’s house, an arrangement that had stuck over the past month.

Peeta had informed Katniss later that the best part of this arrangement was that it gave Peeta the opportunity to discreetly check up on Haymitch. He could tidy up a bit as Haymitch laid passed out at his table, and then he could dodge a knife in order to force food down their old mentor’s throat.

Haymitch resisted all of this, but he was too worried about his alcohol to successfully put an end to it. Then came the week when the first shortage hit. Apparently, the citizens of District 12 were beginning to adjust to a steadier supply of food, which meant more were also starting to buy items that weren’t necessary, such as alcohol. With a larger demand, it was becoming slightly harder to get again, and Haymitch was back to his dry spells.

It had been more than two weeks since his last drink when Katniss and Peeta entered his house that day. Both carried loads of necessities for their past mentor. While Peeta would have typically gone alone, Haymitch was becoming a bigger pain to deal with as time wore on, and Katniss had decided she might as well check up on her old mentor herself.

Haymitch was sitting up at the kitchen table when they entered. The chair was probably worn down from constantly being sat in. He had a glass of what must have been water in front of him, and he swirled it around in the glass with a disappointed frown. He made no move to show that he had noticed Katniss and Peeta enter, so Katniss approached cautiously, making sure to watch for any knives.

Nothing came flying at her, so she sat her canvas bag down on the table and began pulling out the vegetables she had gathered from Greasy Sae. Peeta was rummaging through the cupboards as he put away some canned food. The cans clanked together, but Haymitch still showed no sign of awakening from his stupor. Katniss almost wondered if he’d somehow gotten ahold of liquor and was actually drinking it instead of the water she had assumed.

Katniss had moved to sit at the table by the time Peeta finished putting away his portion of the groceries. Peeta stepped towards the table and began to actually pay attention to Haymitch for the first time since entering the house.

“He’s been like this.” Peeta sighed. He was watching Haymitch, but the words were clearly meant for Katniss. “He responds if you talk to him directly, but that’s it.”

Katniss had noticed Haymitch’s head turn slightly towards Peeta as he talked.

“Is this all you do?” Katniss asked. She didn’t bother to disguise the slight judgement in her words. “Sit here and stare at your glass?”

“What else is there to do?” The words were slightly slurred, although Katniss thought that was a result of not speaking much. There was no way he had alcohol.

Katniss shrugged despite the fact he wasn’t looking at her. “Anything has to be better than this.”

“Got nothing else to do,” Haymitch muttered.

“You have a body, don’t you?” Katniss was losing her patience, and she steadily ignored the warning looks Peeta was sending her. “You can move, you can do something.”

“Got no time for useless things.” Haymitch knocked back a swig of water as if it were liquor.

“You’ve got plenty of time for useless things,” Katniss grit out. She glared at the harmless, now empty glass.

Haymitch glanced up at Katniss and followed her gaze down to the glass. “‘Suppose I do.” He shrugged. “This is what I do, then.”

“Katniss is right, Haymitch,” Peeta said. He laid a gentle hand on their mentor’s shoulder. “You have to do something besides this all day.”

Haymitch sighed, as if he sensed this conversation was just going in circles. “I told you-”

“We know what you said,” Katniss snapped. She stood from her chair to glare down at Haymitch. “But you’ve got to do something else. Even if it’s only for an hour or so a day, you have got to do something else. The entire nation is being rebuilt out there, and you’re in here wasting away.”

Haymitch was glaring at her now, a look Katniss hadn’t seen since the war. “I did my part to help this godforsaken nation. They can do it without me now.”

“And they are,” Katniss allowed with a sigh. “But it’s not them I’m really worried about.”

Haymitch looked back up at her carefully. She held his gaze until he turned to look at Peeta as well. Haymitch ran a hand over his face with a sigh.

“But I really have nothing else to do.”

Katniss wracked her brain for something, anything, that could get Haymitch off his ass for periods of the day. Nothing came to mind.

“There has to be something.” Peeta frowned. “Anything at all that you’ve had a slight interest in? What was your talent after your games?”

“Don’t remember.” 

Katniss highly doubted that was true, but neither she nor Peeta bothered to push it. There was no telling what feelings Haymitch’s past hobby brought up.

Katniss threw herself back down in her chair and placed her chin in her hand. Everyone always had at least one thing they could do to occupy themselves. Katniss hunted. Peeta baked and painted. Gale hunted. Her mother healed people. Prim cared for animals. Katniss personally prefered the useful things, but even painting and pets were better than drinking. She doubted Haymitch was much of an artist.

“You could always get a pet,” she threw out wryly. It had been a joke, but Peeta was looking at her with a slight smile, as if she had just thrown out a brilliant idea. Even Haymitch looked a bit pensive.

“That’s an idea,” Peeta remarked. He turned to look at Haymitch. “Surely you wouldn’t mind some company.”

“I’d probably stab it on accident,” the man remarked.

Katniss couldn’t help herself from remarking, “Then we’d just have meat.”

Peeta looked disapproving, but Katniss thought Haymitch’s mouth might have turned up just slightly at the edges.

“It’s an idea,” Haymitch said. “Now, get out and leave me in peace.”

Katniss and Peeta spoke their goodbyes and left their mentor in the closest thing to peace he could get. When Katniss and Peeta saw the geese from Peeta’s backyard several weeks later, they weren’t really surprised, but Peeta smiled warmly at the sight of Haymitch scattering some feed and hurling out insults at the birds. Katniss, on the other hand, could only think that the domestic birds, much larger than their wild counterparts, would taste just fine if Haymitch did accidentally stab one someday.


	6. Sword

_“A sword never kills anybody; it is a tool in the killer's hand.” - Lucius Annaeus Seneca_

Katniss pulled her coat tighter as she felt the chilly December air. The first days of winter were fast approaching, and the animals of the woods were all preparing for the first snowfall of the year whenever it should decide to come.

The frost had started coming at night, and Katniss could still see it sparkling around her in the early morning light that poked through the trees. Soon, the sun would be up farther, and Katniss’s breath wouldn’t be quite as noticeable. That was the bright side of this time of year. It was chilly, but it would always be warmer during the afternoon.

Katniss followed her usual path that led to all of the traps she maintained. It had taken her several months to get around to each of the old traps Gale had set and clean away the rotting carcases because she dreaded the task so much, but now each one was regularly monitored.

One of the first traps turned up one squirrel that Katniss quickly freed from the trap and deposited in her sack. She was continuing onto the next trap when she spotted a rabbit ambling along the forest floor. Katniss quickly readied her bow without a thought. She aimed just like always when suddenly it wasn’t a rabbit in front of her but a child, one instantly recognizable from her first games, although his name remained unknown to her.

Katniss gasped in surprise as her hands dropped the bow. The shock of the image felt like a sword piercing her abdomen. The arrow she had been pulling back flung itself in front of her, but she didn’t see it disappear in her panic. She collapsed back onto the ground, paying no attention to her back scraping against a fallen log.

The images continued. Katniss saw flashbacks from the games and the war in a steady stream through her mind. Interspersed were other images, imagined ones from either dreams or newly created, of horrific deaths of people Katniss knew. Katniss’s hands flew up to cover her eyes, as if that would block the images out. She cried as they continued.

The rabbit was long gone when Katniss finally lifted her head to take in the scene around her. The sun had gotten higher, and although the ground beneath Katniss was still chilly, the air had lost the bite it had earlier. Katniss wiped away her tears one last time. She had no desire to continue hunting today. The shock of these sorts of flashbacks always went away after about a day, so she knew she would be ready to handle the woods again tomorrow.

Katniss picked up the bow laying in the undergrowth a couple of feet away. Her eyes stung, and she hoped the redness would be gone by the time she encountered anyone. Looking around for any sign of the lost arrow, Katniss saw the bright yellow reflection of its fletchings where they were sticking out of the ground. The arrow had dug itself almost completely into the ground, but its angle had made it just skim underneath the surface of dirt. Katniss pulled it free and wiped it clean before storing it back with the other arrows in her sheath.

Katniss double checked the dead squirrel in her sack to make sure she hadn’t landed on it at some point in her hysteria, but it appeared fine. As she began back down the path towards the district, she began to think of her plans for the squirrel that she carried. Katniss had no desire to barter in town over it; she and Peeta would be eating squirrel for dinner.

On the edge of the fence, Katniss pat her eyes once more to get rid of any remaining wetness. She briefly wished for a mirror to see if she showed any signs of having cried, but all she could do was take a deep breath as she stepped back into civilization, where she had to stay strong.


	7. Bones

_“To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.” - Mary Oliver_

Peeta took satisfaction from feeling the snow crunching under his foot. The light covering of white wasn’t deep enough to hinder his movement, even with his missing leg, but it was enough to make the district white. He was bubbling with excitement as he entered Katniss’s house without a knock.

The timing of their daily ritual had become so perfect that Katniss was just coming down the stairs as Peeta entered. The expression on her face was the same as always, and Peeta doubted that she had bothered to glance outside.

“Have you seen it?” He asked with a grin.

Katniss raised an eyebrow as she moved past him towards the kitchen. “Seen what?”

Peeta followed quickly behind her and began to help prepare their morning meal. Their motions were so routine that neither had to voice their actions to the other in order to prepare the food.

“The snow,” Peeta said.

Katniss stopped short in the middle of pulling milk out of the refrigerator and glanced out one of the kitchen windows. Peeta wasn’t sure how all of the white hadn’t managed to catch her eye, but she appeared to be considering something as she looked out at the snow. A frown formed on her usually neutral face.

“Katniss?” Peeta questioned. He didn’t know what could have upset her about snow of all things.

“I’m just deciding whether I want to go out in the woods in it or not.”

She turned back towards what she had been doing with a look of deep thought still gracing her features.

Peeta continued fixing his portion of breakfast and let her think. Katniss often got lost in her own thoughts, and she didn’t put up with small talk. If she was going to say something, it was because she wanted to say it and not because she felt the silence needed to be interrupted. When he had first been getting to know her again, Peeta had struggled with it. He didn’t think their relationship could strengthen with so few words, but over the months, he had realized that they were relearning the important things about each other just fine as it was. Katniss’s untalkative nature was a part of her.

It wasn’t until they had eaten and were scrubbing their dishes that Peeta spoke again.

“Have you decided?”

Katniss nodded slightly as she dried the plate Peeta had used.

“It’s still coming down.” She tossed a quick glance out of the nearest window. “I think I’ll stay here today and wait to go out tomorrow when it’s stopped. I don’t mind hunting with it on the ground, but this doesn’t look like it’s going to stop falling anytime soon.”

Peeta nodded. It was the decision he had been hoping she would make, and he had already had an idea.

“Want to go to town?” he asked. “It seems like a shame to not appreciate the first snow of the year.” He quickly continued at the hesitant look on her face. “Just a walk. I want to see what the district looks like covered in snow again.”

They both knew the town wouldn’t look the same as they remembered it from years past, but that didn’t matter to Peeta because it wasn’t the buildings he cared about seeing. Katniss finally nodded, and once the last of the dishes were put away, the two bundled up for the cold. Peeta had already worn his warmer clothes after deciding upon waking up that he’d be going for a walk whether or not Katniss joined him, but he was happy to have her at his side as they traveled the familiar road into town.

Their boots left impressions behind them, making it easy for anyone to trace their steps. The snow that continued to fall was the fluffy kind that gave the same satisfactory crunch underneath your feet that Peeta had been enjoying that morning.

Their walk eventually took them to the meadow, and Peeta noticed Katniss’s eyes raking the expanse of untouched snow. The mass grave had still been little more than mud and dirt, but now it was clean and white, a more honorable grave for the unfortunate dead. Peeta spared a thought for his family who laid under the snow and dirt. He had passed this meadow countless times since returning to District 12, but he had always pushed aside the thoughts that it was not just strangers buried here. It was people he had known. People he had shared blood with. People he had loved.

Katniss had no family here, but Peeta knew she felt the same emotions he did. No one in District 12 had been unaffected by the casualties.

“It’s pretty,” Katniss remarked.

They had been staring out at the white expanse for several minutes. It would have looked strange to an uninformed onlooker, as if they were just staring at a ground covered in snow, but everyone knew what was under that ground. Besides, few people were milling about. The rebuilding had been paused for the day because of the snow, and it seemed that the warmth of the indoors was preferable to their fellow district citizens.

“Come on.” Peeta nudged Katniss’s arm with his elbow as he walked past her out onto the meadow. It was a light touch made almost insignificant from the layers they wore, but Peeta’s mind dwelt on it as he watched the untouched snow in front of him. He and Katniss rarely touched unless it was accidental, and his heart was racing from adrenaline even though he’d touched nothing but fabric.

This snow was a bit more difficult to maneuver through with his fake leg. The ground was still more dirt than grass, and although the cold had firmed it up, Peeta could tell that the earth had only recently been packed down again. The snow was wetting the dirt and threatening to turn it to mud again, and Peeta discovered that the farther into the meadow he walked, the more dirt there was caked onto his shoes.

He wasn’t bothered by it, but he glanced behind to see how Katniss was faring. She was several steps behind and seemed to hardly noticed the ground beneath her. Her eyes were on something to the side, but Peeta thought he had detected her head moving away from him when he’d looked back. Peeta stopped and turned to completely face her. Katniss stopped as well with her eyes still on the distance, but her face was flushed a light pink. Peeta didn’t know if it was from the cold or almost being caught looking.

They were standing in the middle of the meadow now, and Peeta looked back over the trail they had left behind them. He hardly debated with himself whether or not it was a good idea before he took a seat right in the snow. The cold immediately began seeping through his winter clothes, even though he knew his pants were waterproof. Once he was situated, he looked up at Katniss, who was watching him with raised eyebrows.

“What are you doing?” she asked as if speaking to a young child.

“Sitting.” Peeta motioned at the ground around him before patting the the space beside him. The cold of the snow stung on his gloveless hand, and he buried the hand into one of his pockets. “Come on, Katniss.”

She still didn’t understand why Peeta wanted to sit in the middle of a meadow while it snowed, but she humoured him and took a seat facing him instead of the meadow. Peeta tilted his head up to look directly at the snow as it fell. When he looked back down, Katniss was still watching him peculiarly.

“You know,” she remarked. “I think they created windows so that you could see this sort of weather without going out in it.”

“Says the woman who’s going out into the woods in it tomorrow.”

“That’s different. I’m hunting. Walking. Moving. I’m not going to be sitting in it freezing my ass off for no reason.”

“But you’ll enjoy it.” Peeta sent her a look, challenging her to say differently. “You’ll like being outdoors in it just like you enjoy being outdoors in any other weather.”

“In nature.” Katniss shrugged. She would no longer look directly at him. “The woods are calming. District 12 isn’t calming.”

“It can be. I think this is very calming.” He pulled his hood up to protect his head and laid back onto the snow to prove his point.

Peeta smirked as he heard Katniss sigh. It was silent for several minutes before Peeta heard the slight crunching of snow and saw Katniss move into his eyesight again. She was sitting over him now, a foot from his side, and she was watching him closely, as if for signs of madness.

“Relax,” Peeta assured her. “It’s not as if I’m going to get hypothermia.”

“No,” Katniss agreed. “But you shouldn’t be that comfortable while laying on snow either. It’s worrying.”

“That I enjoy the outdoors?”

“That you enjoy the cold.”

“Cold’s a nice change,” Peeta muttered. His hand subconsciously clenched and he could feel the tightness of the worst of the scars that still graced his mangled skin. He watched as Katniss’s expression changed. She was thinking of it too. He knew she was.

“I suppose,” she relented, but she didn’t comment on it anymore than that. Peeta watched as her fingers trailed along the ground beside her without much thought. She kept glancing at the patches where the snow had been brushed away to show dirt, and Peeta wondered what was bothering her more: sitting on snow or sitting on a mass grave.

Peeta thought once more about the people piled beneath them. He hadn’t known about the mass grave until after it had been covered, but he had asked several people more about it. He didn’t like the stories of the bodies being dumped in. There had been few other options, but the idea of his family being flung about and buried beneath a hundred others didn’t sit well with him. In a hundred years, would anyone who stood here even know what laid beneath their feet?

 _Really_ know, that is. There was a difference between being told something and really knowing it. Peeta doubted even the children born over the past several months would really understand the horrors their parents had witnessed. It was something Peeta should be thankful for, but he was also full of this intense need to make them see what horrible things their fellow people were capable of doing. If they didn’t, then who was to say that they wouldn’t do it all again. If horrors were only the stuff of history books, then could they be repeated?

Peeta wished he was as naive as those children could grow to be. It would have been the ideal state of existence, if harmful in its own ignorant way.

“Are you finally cold?”

Peeta was shaken out of his thoughts by Katniss’s question.

“You kind of look like you’re in pain,” she continued at his questioning gaze. “I thought maybe you were cold.”

Goosebumps had in fact sprung up all over his body, but Katniss couldn’t see them. Besides, he wasn’t the kind of cold she was referencing. He shrugged instead, not really commenting on his perception of the temperature surrounding them.

“Just thinking,” he said.

Katniss nodded with a frown as she looked towards the dirt once more. Her boots had scratched away more of the snow in some useless attempt at uncovering the grave. Katniss knew it was pointless, but a part of her hated the thought of yet another barrier on top of all those people who were already being smothered.

“This place makes me do a lot of that,” Katniss mumbled.

“You seem to do a lot of it no matter where you are.”

It was true. Peeta was almost guaranteed to witness Katniss deep in thought whenever he looked at her.

Katniss shrugged. “There are just some things that never leave your mind, even if you want them to.”

“I know,” Peeta whispered. He hesitated slightly before holding his hand out towards Katniss. She looked at him before sliding her own hand into his and locking their fingers together. Katniss’s gloves prevented their skin from touching, but the slight body heat that enveloped Peeta’s hand gave him more comfort than he would care to admit.

“This place will be pretty in the spring,” Peeta said after several minutes of silence. “Delly said they’re planting flowers. Maybe even planning a day for everyone to come help. It’ll be beautiful here once it’s done. I bet you could get Delly to plant primroses.”

Katniss looked out at the white expanse.

“And dandelions,” she said. “There should be dandelions. The old ones may be gone now that they dug everything up.”

“I don’t think dandelions need help, Katniss. They’ll find their way here unless someone comes and pulls them up. Even then, they’ll always find their way back.”

“No.” Katniss shook her head passionately. “They shouldn’t do that. Garden. It should grow wild after the first flowers are planted. The dandelions need to grow.”

Peeta was unable to place the importance of dandelions, but he nodded. “I’m sure Delly will agree with you. Maybe you should talk to her about it.”

Katniss was frowning, but she nodded. “I will.”

Peeta was still wondering about the dandelions when he and Katniss started back towards Victor’s Village. All he could call to mind was the shiny image of a young Katniss looking at him before bending down to pick one of the small, yellow flowers. He continued to grip Katniss’s hand tightly as they trudged home through the snow.


	8. Chains

_“Tyrants have not yet discovered any chains that can fetter the mind.” - Charles Caleb Colton_

It was difficult to be treated by a doctor without ever seeing them face to face. Dr. Aurelius called every week, and Peeta always made sure to pick up the phone. He knew the exact time to expect the call, and he knew how long to expect the call to last depending on how good or bad the week had gone.

Peeta knew that Katniss was in contact with the doctor too. She had apparently been very reluctant to receive treatment at first but was doing better now that she realized it could be helpful. Still, Peeta saw her reluctance on the days of her own calls. She would be more withdrawn during breakfast, and afterwards, Peeta would go back home and leave a frowning Katniss to wait for the call.

Peeta was much more open with the doctor. He wanted the shininess to go away. He wanted his memories back. Most of all, he wanted to stop the desires to hurt Katniss. The episodes had become less and less frequent over the months. Winter, in particular, had been a good season. Since December, Peeta had only been overwhelmed by the horrible anger and fear once. Dr. Aurelius said that was a good sign, but Peeta wondered if Dr. Aurelius had any doubts. The doctor couldn’t see inside Peeta’s head for himself after all. What if Peeta was exaggerating because he wanted to get better? And maybe he was. There was no unbiased third party to declare Peeta sane. Peeta wasn’t naive enough to think that Katniss wasn’t giving the doctor the same sort of information on Peeta that Peeta was giving on her, but even then, Katniss knew very little of what went on in Peeta’s head, and he planned to keep it that way.

If there had been a doctor in District 12 with a good knowledge on illnesses of the mind, Peeta would have gone. As it was, they currently had one doctor who seemed to know enough about the workings of the body but not so much the brain. That would probably change in the future if Delly’s plans for a nicer clinic and then, eventually, a hospital got underway, but Peeta couldn’t wait around for that. Keeping Dr. Aurelius’s services were essential, if inconvenient.

Peeta just wished there was someone close by to talk with about the worst of the feelings. He didn’t want to burden any of his friends, who had gone through their own horrors, but Dr. Aurelius was never very effective when Peeta needed him most.

Time had made Peeta very aware of the intense emotions that signaled an episode. It was as if he was suddenly filled with an uncontrollable anger that hadn’t been there before. Typically, Katniss would come to mind on the rare occasions she wasn’t already in his thoughts. The farthest thing from his mind at that point was calling Dr. Aurelius, although the doctor had said that Peeta should if at all possible.

Peeta couldn’t help it that during those moments everything faded away around him, and he couldn’t think of anything the doctor had said in the past. Peeta was doing good if he had something nearby to grasp tightly as he willed the horrible memories to go away. He was getting better at it. The first several times after coming back and going through episodes alone, he had gripped his living room table so tightly for so long that it had been difficult to unbend his fingers afterwards. Now he was usually capable of calming himself down in about fifteen minutes, although the occasional worse episode would come along.

At any rate, Peeta considered himself lucky that none of these episodes had transpired around Katniss. It had been a worry at the forefront of his mind for months. The episodes always centered around Katniss, and the more time they spent together, the more Peeta worried that something she did would trigger an episode. It didn’t though. If anything, Katniss’s presence kept the horrible memories away. It was so much easier to remind himself of who she really was when she was right there for him to see.

Katniss had become the best treatment he knew. Not that he was shunning the expensive pills that Dr. Aurelius sent him regularly or giving up their weekly talks, but nothing helped like Katniss did.

Peeta wasn’t going to tell her this of course. They both knew that they helped each other. Each calmed the other from whatever mental ailments they had. Peeta couldn’t bring himself to confide in Katniss about the episodes though. There was a part of him, one he knew was wrong, that worried she would be scared and push him away if she knew. It had been logical at the beginning when their process of becoming reacquainted with each other was still in the hesitant stages, but they had past that stage long ago. Their lives were too tightly intertwined, too dependent on each other for Katniss to bolt if she learned of the episodes, yet Peeta couldn’t bring himself to tell her.

He should have known that his reluctance would backfire spectacularly. He had only been spending more time with Katniss over the months, and sooner or later not even she was going to be able to ward off an episode.

It was a cold day in February when it finally happened. Another snow storm had hit that morning, and although even less of a storm than the one that had led to their meadow excursion, Katniss had opted against heading into the woods that day. Instead, she had consented to spending the day locked up indoors watching crappy Capitol television with Peeta. It had become one of Peeta’s guilty pleasures when he didn’t want to go into the emotions of painting or thought he’d baked too much food already. The television was mind-numbing and an excellent way of escaping his own problems. Katniss didn’t seem to share the sentiment, but she at least got some amusement at mocking the more out-there behavior that they witnessed.

All entertainment was still being largely provided by the Capitol as only they had the money necessary to fund such unnecessary productions. District 1 was starting to show itself as a viable competitor though and was becoming known for shows that weren’t quite as shallow. Peeta found it interesting to notice the minute differences between the productions of the two locations. They were small, but they were noticeable.

With the lines of communication more open than ever, both the Capitol and District 1 were trying to appear more diverse in their television, yet nothing they did ever accurately portrayed life in the other districts. Peeta had to hide the remote during a particularly horrid portrayal of District 12 life that Katniss had adamantly refused to watch any further.

A show all about weddings was playing when his episode hit. The bride had been going on an epic rant about not having violets that were the wrong type of purple, causing Katniss to scoff that no real violets were the shade the bride wanted. Peeta would never know if it was the annoyed, slightly angered tone of Katniss’s voice that did it or if it was just the inevitable moment where one came, but soon he was bent over with his fingernails digging into his palms and his thoughts full of shiny snippets of “memories.”

Peeta could only vaguely hear Katniss calling his name frantically over the sounds of his thoughts. Once or twice he even caught a word or two spoken in a Capitol accent that must have come from the television. Peeta pushed the words of the television away much easier than the memories as he tried to focus on the real Katniss’s voice. He could hear the fear she held for him at the moment, and he tried to let that thought overcome him and strip away the anger and willingness to kill of the Katniss in his mind.

Unsurprisingly, Peeta found himself coming out from the episode in record time as he focused on the real Katniss. Her arm was around his shoulders, and she was closer to his side than he could remember her being since the hijacking. He relished the closeness as his eyes remained squeezed shut and his shoulders bent over. The shininess had dissipated, and the Capitol voices were back at usual volume in the background. Katniss’s frantic words had quieted as she felt Peeta relax.

The sound of angry shouting began rising from the television set, startling Peeta from his thoughts. He finally lifted his head from his hands and turned to look at Katniss, who hadn’t left his side and was watching him closely.

“Was that-” She cut off her own question as if not sure how to continue.

Peeta nodded anyway, knowing what she had intended. He took a deep breath as he launched into his explanation.

“They’ve been happening now and then ever since I got back, but it’s rarer now than they were before. That was my first one in at least a month. I was hoping you’d never see it.”

Katniss was frowning, but she nodded as if she meant to assure Peeta that it was alright. Peeta almost got the impression that she had suspected his episodes or at least considered it a possibility that he was struggling more than he let her know. Peeta briefly wondered if Katniss was dealing with something as major too, but he pushed the thoughts aside. If she wanted to confide in him, she would. He couldn’t push it on her when he had wanted to shield her from the same thing.

“Is it still like before?” Katniss asked as she leaned over for the remote and shut the television off. Peeta knew her attention wouldn’t be leaving him for a bit. “With the shininess and not knowing what is real?”

“Kind of.” Peeta shrugged. “It is, but it’s not as intense. I’ve gotten good at remembering that whatever I’m seeing is fake, and that helps it go away. But I still get this overwhelming feeling of anger and terror, even when I know it’s not real. It’s as if a part of my brain still hasn’t accepted what the rest of my brain has.”

Katniss nodded, and Peeta was thankful for her attempts at making him think she actually understood what he was saying. Not even Peeta really got it, even though Dr. Aurelius had assured him before that he wasn’t the first person to experience similar things. Plenty of people experienced madness though, so Dr. Aurelius’s words hadn’t really been comforting.

Peeta had expected more questions from Katniss, such as what he actually saw during episodes or how he knew he wouldn’t actually hurt her. Instead, she surprised him by holding the remote up and clicking the television back on. She leaned back onto the couch now, far closer to him than she had been before. Her arm was firmly pressed against his, and even their legs were only a hair length apart.

The bride on the show was wailing loudly as the television came on, a stark contrast to the quiet that had permeated the room seconds before. Peeta could just barely make out Katniss’s soft words over the noise.

“We’ll be okay.”


	9. Rainbow

_“Leroy bet me I couldn't find a pot of gold at the end, and I told him that was a stupid bet because the rainbow was enough.” - Rita Mae Brown_

Katniss fiddled anxiously with the end of her sleeve. She had managed to pull a thread loose over the course of the morning, and it was only becoming longer as the time wore on. Peeta was sitting beside her with a sketchbook open in his lap. She saw the outline of Victor’s Village on the page and figured that he must be drawing their current view out of the window.

The television set was on, but Katniss hadn’t even glanced at it in nearly an hour. The volume was low and could barely be heard over the pounding of rain drops on the house.

Peeta had arrived at Katniss’s that morning with an umbrella and dripping wet clothes. Katniss had known right away that today would be a day she stayed away from the woods. It also happened to be the third day in a row that she had done so thanks to this rain, and Katniss was beginning to experience cabin fever.

It was only March, and this was the first real rain of the season. Katniss dreaded to think what the entire spring would be like after this. She didn’t mind hunting in a bit of rain, but going out in what Peeta had described as a “torrential downpour” wasn’t Katniss’s idea of a good hunting trip.

“What did you say the forecast was again?”

Katniss’s question pulled Peeta away from his drawing. Katniss could see that he had been shading in some of the dark clouds that filled the sky.

“The newspaper said today was the last day. Tomorrow’s supposed to be sunny.”

Katniss nodded as she turned to look back out the window. It did seem a bit lighter than it had before, but she wasn’t sure how much she trusted the paper’s weather section. District 12 had only gotten a newspaper in the past couple of months. It had been an unnecessary expense before, but now it seemed that people were beginning to have enough of a disposable income to pay for one. Peeta read it daily, but Katniss hadn’t bothered to subscribe. It seemed the majority of the news was either second-hand from the Capitol or had already been spread around the district before anyone could read the paper. If Katniss wanted news, which she really didn’t, she could turn on the television and get it faster. Plus, the Capitol weather people on television always seemed to contradict the weather in the newspaper, although maybe it was because they were so far away that they couldn’t actually know about District 12.

“Just one more day, Katniss,” Peeta assured even as he was intently focused on his drawing. He knew how much this was driving her crazy. She had nothing to do indoors except watch the blasted television. It was driving her crazy.

Katniss watched the view of Victor’s Village out the window closely and debated whether or not she wanted to venture out. The storm had definitely cleared up to a less drenching rain, and Katniss was sure that she still had enough time to get at least one good kill in before dark. She thought of all of the meat sitting in her kitchen and debated whether it was necessary. They had enough. Most people wouldn’t bother going out in the wet weather.

Katniss sat up with a sigh. She at least needed to breathe in the outdoor air.

“I’m going to sit on the porch,” she told Peeta, already moving towards the doorway of the living room.

She stopped in the hall to slip on her boots and a light jacket that would keep away most of the damp chill of the March wind. The air was mostly calm as she stepped outside, but it wasn’t long before a slight breeze made Katniss thankful for the jacket that she wrapped tightly around her. Her attuned ears could pick up the sounds of Peeta stumbling about with his own shoes in the house behind her.

Even though the porch was covered, the wind had been strong enough to dampen the chairs that sat there, and the steps were soaked. Katniss leaned against one of the pillars holding the ceiling up instead, not caring about the damp spot she could feel forming on her jacket.

Katniss enjoyed the calming sound of the rain until Peeta stepped out of the door behind her. She didn’t look back at him, but she could see his sketchbook and pencils as he walked up to stand at her side. He inspected the wet steps before shrugging and sitting down on the top one. Katniss watched as he laid his sketchbook in his lap and arranged his pencils precariously to keep them from falling into the water.

Peeta began outlining the tree that stood in the yard of the empty house next to Katniss’s. Katniss watched him observe the tree for several long moments before he even put the pencil to the paper for the first time. She was so engaged in her observation that she didn’t realize she had taken a seat next to Peeta until she felt the water soak through her pants. She pushed her wet clothes from her mind as she continued to watch Peeta draw. It’s what she had been doing for the majority of her morning, but she had grown tired of it as the hours dragged on. Now, out here in the fresh air, Katniss felt a renewed interest in Peeta’s abilities. She often thought it was incredible how he could recreate something so perfectly on a piece of paper.

A ray of light broke through the tense cloud cover, causing Katniss to squint and look up from Peeta’s drawing. Sure enough, sunlight was peaking through, and bits of blue sky could be seen across the sky. What drew Katniss’s attention the most was the faint rainbow that ran across the sky. Katniss marveled at it. She couldn’t remember having seen a rainbow in years, and she couldn’t even remember just sitting there and appreciating one.

“It’s beautiful,” Peeta said.

Katniss turned to find him watching the same spot in the sky. He glanced down at his sketchbook with a slight frown and thumbed through the colored pencils he had in his hand.

“I wish I could recreate it the way it really looks.”

Katniss looked at the colors of Peeta’s pencils, which really didn’t capture the colors of the rainbow just right.

“I’m sure you could with paints. You can do anything with those.”

Katniss thought Peeta’s drawings were excellent, but there was no denying that his paintings were the most captivating of his art.

“Maybe.” He shrugged. He was watching the rainbow again, sketchbook seemingly forgotten. Katniss turned to look at it with him, eyes skimming over the different lines of color. She counted seven distinct lines that she could make out from each other. A whole rainbow, not a partial one with only some of the colors. Katniss wondered how light in the sky could capture someone’s attention so completely.

“You know,” Peeta said with eyes still firmly on the rainbow. “I was looking at a rainbow with my dad once, and he told me that people in the past had stories where rainbows played an important part. They had significance in some old religions. They’ve always been special.”

“That’s not necessarily impressive.” Katniss frowned. “We learned about past religions in school who thought just about everything was special.”

“Maybe everything is special.”

Katniss just shrugged, not thinking about the fact that Peeta wouldn’t see with his gaze on the sky.

“Maybe,” she agreed.

Peeta continued. “I think rainbows are particularly special though. They bring beauty after the storm. I like the idea of that. Horrible things bringing misery and destruction, but then you get something good that can only come out of the bad.”

“You shouldn’t have to live through something bad whether or not something good comes after.”

“Maybe not.” They were sitting close enough together that Katniss could feel Peeta’s shrug. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate the beauty that comes after whatever horribleness is forced upon you.”

Katniss turned towards Peeta to see him watching the place they had planted flowers together last summer. Although it was nothing but dirt now, Katniss knew flowers would begin blooming soon.

“I guess you can,” she agreed as she continued to watch the boy whose gaze had turned back to latch onto the bright rainbow in the sky.


	10. Midnight

_“Sometimes there is no darker place than our thoughts, the moonless midnight of the mind.” - Dean Koontz_

Fire exploded before Katniss’s eyes, and she startled awake, the yell of Prim’s name still on her lips. Her eyes had opened upon the dark ceiling that she had spent way too many hours memorizing, and her ears rang from the remnants of her yell. Katniss focused on her breathing as she came down from the adrenaline rush that had shot through her in the dream. The images were still flying through her mind, all crystal clear in a way that only real memories could be. At least imagined nightmares began fading as soon as you opened your eyes. These would always be there.

Katniss had been having these nightmares regularly ever since returning to District 12 ten months ago, so she wasn’t sure what caused her to throw aside the covers on this particular night and stand up from her bed. She was tired of the routine, she supposed. Waking up in terror only to lay there for hours with everything still running through her head. She wanted something else. A distraction.

She wasn’t sure what she was doing as she wandered down her stairs. Katniss was used to dressing for the day as soon as she was out of bed, and even being downstairs in her night clothes felt odd. That didn’t stop her from opening her door and stepping outside. She was still barefoot, but luckily, the April weather provided only a slight chill.

Katniss hesitated slightly as she raised her hand to the door. Peeta would be asleep, of course, so there was little chance that he would even hear her. What really frightened her though was not knowing how he would react to her presence on his doorstep in the middle of the night. She steeled herself and knocked a bit louder than she would have during the day.

Her nerves increased as she waited. The slight wind was starting to leave goosebumps along her arms, and she wrapped them around herself for warmth.

Katniss heard him before the door opened. His prosthetic leg still made far too much noise in comparison to her own light walking and even more so when he was in a hurry. She stood up straight and squared her shoulders as the door opened.

Peeta appeared surprised at her presence, although Katniss wasn’t sure who else he could have thought it would be.

“Katniss?” He was looking behind her, as if he expected to see a house on fire or some other emergency that would explain why she was there.

Katniss wrung her hands as she thought about what to say. She didn’t even know what exactly it was she wanted. She just didn’t want to be alone, laying in bed while thinking horrible thoughts, but she wasn’t sure how she wanted Peeta to help with that.

Something on Katniss’s face must have revealed her emotions because Peeta’s expression had softened as he watched her.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Peeta asked as he stepped aside to let Katniss into the house. She walked passed him and hovered in the entrance way.

She shook her head as she looked at a place low on the wall facing her. She took a deep breath. “Nightmare,” she finally said.

Peeta nodded, and Katniss wondered why she had been so reluctant to say the word at first. It wasn’t as if he didn’t understand. She was watching him closely now, and she didn’t think he’d been asleep when she knocked. There was something about him that seemed too awake for that.

“Do you want to stay here?” He asked hesitantly. “We could sit in the kitchen and talk, or,” he struggled to continue, “We could go upstairs if you wanted? Like we used to do on the Victory Tour. If that would help you sleep.”

Katniss could feel a slight heat on her cheeks, and she wondered briefly if she would see red on Peeta’s if it weren’t quite so dark. She felt an odd sensation that she couldn’t describe in her stomach as she realized he remembered those nights she had just assumed were forgotten. He’d been doing that a lot lately, mentioning things Katniss had thought were lost to everyone but her. It was giving her a foolish hope that he could fully recover. A hope that she constantly had to squash.

“Sleeping would be nice.” It came out as little more than a whisper, but Peeta smiled and took her hand gently.

As they went up the stairs, Katniss realized that she had never actually seen the upstairs of Peeta’s house. It was laid out much like Katniss’s own with the same number of bedrooms in the same places. Katniss almost expected Peeta to turn where her own bedroom would be, but instead, he continued down the hall to the master bedroom, the one that, in Katniss’s house, had sat untouched since her mother was last in the district.

The room was larger than Katniss’s own, of course, but Peeta didn’t seem to be using the space. This was clearly a room used for little more than sleeping or laying awake at night, and much of it was bare just as Katniss’s was. Katniss had almost expected to see paintings or drawings, but she supposed the other bedrooms provided plenty of storage for those, not even one had been put up to grace the walls. It was a bare, unimpressive room, one that seemed to show off the fact that time spent in it was dreaded.

Katniss walked towards the side of the bed opposite to where Peeta had gone. The covers were pulled back to show the bed’s recent use, and Peeta slipped under them again. It took him a few moments to get comfortably situated with his leg, and Katniss watched the scene that she had never fully expected to see again.

Peeta looked up to see her still standing awkwardly above him.

“Come on,” he urged, flipping the covers back to make room for her.

Katniss hesitated just a moment before stepping forward and getting into the bed. She pulled the covers over herself in one quick movement and laid back onto the bed, unsure how to position herself. She thought back to how comfortable she and Peeta had gotten with physical contact while sharing a bed on the Victory Tour. Katniss wasn’t sure how Peeta would react to that sort of thing now.

“Katniss.”

She was pulled from her thoughts to look over at Peeta, who was also lying on his back. He motioned for her to put her head on his chest. She hesitated for a moment, but his encouraging smile erased any doubts.

Katniss scooted across the short distance to fit herself into Peeta’s side. Peeta’s arm wrapped firmly around her, and Katniss immediately felt comforted. She no longer hesitated to snuggle as close as she could, and soon, she found herself drifting off to sleep easier than she had in more than a year.

It took Katniss a few minutes to take in her surroundings the next morning. Before even opening her eyes, she could feel that she was resting against something that wasn’t her pillow, and there was no light landing directly on her eyelids. Her brain was quick to figure out that it was Peeta she was laying on, and Katniss was careful not to jolt him awake as she opened her eyes and craned her neck towards the window. Peeta’s bedroom had two, and one had sunlight currently streaming through it over a chunk of the floor, causing her eyes to sting as she opened them to the light. She raised herself up as far as she could without startling Peeta in order to see the clear blue sky.

Her movement must have rustled Peeta awake despite her efforts because she felt his body stiffen as his breaths became less regular. Katniss looked down from her perch above him as his eyelids fluttered open and his eyes focused on her face.

“Good morning.” Katniss heard the groggy croak of her voice as she smiled down at Peeta. For some reason, the sunlight seemed to bring confidence with it, which was probably the exact opposite for most. Katniss knew Peeta in the daylight, had spent countless hours with him. Daylight was heavily charted territory.

“Good morning.” Peeta echoed back. He was smiling at her brightly. “For a split second there I thought I had dreamt up last night.”

“I don’t think I could have dreamt of last night in any of my dreams.” Katniss frowned.

“Me either. That’s why I thought it was a nice change.”

“Sorry to disappoint you then.” Katniss let herself fall back onto the pillow that she hadn’t used the night before.

“Believe me.” Peeta raised himself up on his elbow in a position similar to the one Katniss had just been in. “You didn’t. Not at all.”

He had locked eyes with her, and Katniss had suddenly begun to feel the same strange fluttering in her stomach that she had felt last night.

“Um, breakfast?” she asked in a slightly squeaky voice. She hurried out of bed, only to remember that she hadn’t brought anything with her other than the nightclothes she was wearing. She headed out of the bedroom and down the stairs anyway as she heard Peeta moving about in his room, no doubt getting his clothes.

“Come over when you’re done,” Katniss called as she hurried down the stairs. She heard Peeta’s affirmative as she stepped out the door and began hurrying towards her own house. She would get dressed and be ready to meet Peeta when he arrived, and then the routine would be back to normal. Except it wouldn’t be because, what Katniss didn’t know yet, was that this was just the first night of many that would quickly follow. Before she knew it, it was Peeta’s house she was eating breakfast in and even Peeta’s house that she was getting dressed in, while her own house sat mostly unused.


	11. Fear

_“There are many victories worse than a defeat.” - George Eliot_

Katniss watched anxiously as District 12 disappeared outside of the train window. She felt Peeta’s hand slip into her own and give it a squeeze.

“We’re just going to District 4 for a week, Katniss. It’s not going to disappear.”

Katniss nodded as she turned away from the window, but in her head she thought of the bomb that had been dropped during one of her past absences.

It was odd to be traveling out of the district of her own accord and not because she was being forced somewhere. Commercial train travel had started up in District 12 not long after the war, but Katniss had never had a reason to use it. Then Annie had written and begged Katniss and Peeta to come see her. Katniss hadn’t been able to say no, not to both Annie and Peeta.

Peeta had gotten two tickets for the very next day while she’d been out in the woods, and that was that. They were going to District 4. Peeta had paid enough for them to get a private compartment, which Katniss became more thankful for each time they passed someone new and had to ignore the staring. The compartment wasn’t that unlike the room she’d been given on past train rides, and Katniss probably would have been more freaked out if it weren’t for the decorating that was done in an entirely different style. The compartment wasn’t as elaborate as the ones used for tributes had been. It looked more down-played, nice but simple, an influence that the districts had had on the Capitol since the end of the war almost a year prior.

The significant change in decor almost helped Katniss forget her past experiences on trains. She could almost see why some would consider such a trip an enjoyable experience. Katniss, on the other hand, just wanted to reach District 4 and get off. She watched anxiously as they flew across the country, and she was on the edge of her seat as she watched the palm trees finally come into view as they began traveling up the coast.

Finally, the train was slowing down and coming to a stop at the same station that Katniss recalled from her Victory Tour more than a year before. There were people milling around the train station either waiting for other passengers or to get on themselves, and Katniss hesitated slightly before following Peeta onto the platform, not really wanting to be noticed. Sure enough, several passengers seemed to be spreading word that they had traveled with Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark, and the people stared as they cleared a path directly for Annie.

The baby was held tightly in Annie’s arms as the woman watched Katniss and Peeta anxiously. Katniss could tell that she wasn’t enjoying the staring strangers either, and Katniss sped up her pace in order to reach the other woman. It wasn’t until she was standing directly in front of the red-head, Peeta at her side, that Katniss realized Annie and the baby weren’t alone.

“Johanna.”

Katniss was unable to form any other words at the sight of the District 7 victor. Katniss hadn’t had contact with Johanna since the war with their equally standoffish personalities keeping any regular communication from starting. Katniss had learned enough to know that Johanna had gone to District 2 with a job similar to Gale’s rather than back to her home district.

“Katniss.”

Johanna smirked. She looked just like the Johanna Mason that Katniss remembered meeting. The one who cleverly hid her brokenness, not the one from during the war whose walls had been broken down.

In her shock, Katniss hadn’t noticed Peeta greeting Annie. He interrupted then to greet Johanna, and Katniss suppressed her shock by turning to Annie. The woman seemed happy to see them, but she kept the greetings short before ushering them away from the busy station. The streets of District 4 were much busier than those of District 12 as they hurried along them. With District 4’s larger size, it’s Victor’s Village was more than an easy walk away from the center of town, and Annie hailed down a cab for them, a strange idea to Katniss, in order to get them there.

Katniss watched as the district went by outside. There was a much different feel to the buildings, which seemed to radiate their sunlight as if they received so much that they just had to give some back. Everything was bright colors, and it seemed a contradiction that anyone living in so happy-looking a building could be unhappy themselves.

Victor’s Village was much the same in style as the rest of the district, but the houses were larger, even in comparison to the houses in the Victor’s Village of District 12. Katniss marveled over them as they pulled up to the one that must be Annie’s.

Annie had the money ready to hand over to the driver, and she hurried out of the car and up the sidewalk to the door. Johanna stayed behind to help Katniss and Peeta with their bags, and Annie was holding the door open as they approached the house. Katniss followed Johanna through the door and looked around. The interior was just as bright as the outside, and Katniss thought again how everything was designed to put you in a good mood. It seemed cruel to house victors here.

“I’ll help bring your stuff upstairs,” Johanna said. She began walking up the stairs with a bag over her shoulder. When Annie didn’t protest, Katniss followed along behind with Peeta. Annie had gone down the hall with little Miles to where Katniss thought the kitchen probably sat. These houses weren’t built exactly like those in District 12, but they seemed similar enough in their basic layout.

There were five bedrooms on the top floor, two more than in Katniss’s and Peeta’s houses back home. Johanna led them to the second one and flung the door open. She was halfway through the doorway before she turned back with a raised eyebrow.

“Sharing a room?”

Katniss felt her cheeks heat up, and she looked down at the floor to avoid Johanna’s amused, questioning expression.

“I think so, yeah?” Peeta looked to Katniss for confirmation, and she nodded, still looking at the floor.

Johanna let out a snort of amusement as she fully entered the room and dropped the bag she was carrying on the bed. Katniss and Peeta followed and had just dropped their own bags as Johanna was leaving the room once more.

“I’ll be downstairs with Annie. You two unpack, or not. I don’t really care. You can come find us when you want.”

Katniss sighed as she watched Johanna leave. It was a relief to get away from her after having her presence thrust on her so suddenly.

“That was a nice surprise,” Peeta commented as he opened a bag. “I don’t really have any memories of Johanna that aren’t shiny, so it’s a good thing I didn’t have an episode on the platform. Now I suppose I have a chance to sort out what was real and what wasn’t with her.”

“Most of it was probably real,” Katniss muttered as she rifled through her own bag.

Peeta stopped what he was doing to look over at her. “Do you not like her? I know you don’t really get along in my memories, but you never come across as good in those.”

“It’s complicated.” At Peeta’s questioning look she went on. “We didn’t really get along at first. That was during the games when you knew her. She got rescued from the Capitol when you did though, and we were in the hospital together for a bit. Eventually, we ended up sharing a room in District 13, so I suppose we got along okay. I just wasn’t expecting to see her. I hadn’t heard from her since I was sent out as a soldier. She’d just failed at the test we had to go through. I didn’t know anything more about what happened to her after that except she somehow wound up with some military job in District 2.”

“Well, now you can find out more.” Peeta had finished unpacking while Katniss spoke, and he waved a hand as he walked towards the door. “I’m going to go find them. Coming?”

Katniss followed Peeta back down the steps and then down the hallway Annie had disappeared down earlier. The rooms were open with wide, doorless doorways, and Katniss realized that most of the first floor could be seen from any vantage point once you moved past the entryway. Johanna and Annie were seated on a bright sea green couch in the area arranged to be a living room. Miles rolled around on a blanket at their feet. Katniss sat in a chair that put him directly in her line of sight, and she watched as he stuffed a toy in his mouth without a care in the world.

Katniss had never been overly fond of babies, although she didn’t hate them, yet she found Miles a bit fascinating. He was the most innocent and unworried person that she had seen in quite a while. He was babbling quietly to himself as the grown ups talked, and Katniss was too focused on that to even hear what the others were saying.

Gale’s name brought Katniss into the conversation, and she quickly focused her attention on Johanna, who had been the one to speak it.

“What?” Katniss questioned before she could actually think about what she was saying.

Johanna rolled her eyes. “Hawthorne. I work with him. Surely you knew that.”

She had known that, but “work with” was such a vague description of what they actually did together. Katniss had known they were in the same district working for the same people, but she hadn’t thought they were seeing enough of each other for Johanna to bring him up in conversation.

“I did.” Katniss said, a bit embarrassed over her outburst. “I just didn’t realize you talked to him much.”

When Johanna rolled her eyes this time, it wasn’t at Katniss.

“Well, I do. Too much, honestly. We have entirely different jobs, but I have to collaborate with him a lot. He’s quite the know-it-all. I don’t know how you put up with him for so many years.”

Katniss had never thought of Gale as a know-it all, but she supposed she had soaked up any information Gale gave as a means for survival. Johanna wasn’t one to accept advice, no matter what the motivation.

“Is he really?” Peeta looked like he was concentrating hard, and Katniss wondered what his memories of Gale consisted of. Whatever they were, he had never asked Katniss about her former best friend. Katniss had mulled over the overheard conversation from that night in the Capitol many times, but she had never thought of Peeta’s altered memories.

Johanna’s attention had also been drawn to Peeta’s hijacking with his question, and she looked at him now with curiosity.

“How much can you remember?” she asked. “Not just of Gale, but of everything. I remember hearing bits about your recovery while in District 13, but I don’t know much of anything.”

Peeta was taken aback at Johanna’s upfront questioning. Most in District 12 considered his hijacking too sensitive a topic to discuss with him.

“Before, it was hard to make out what was real and what was fake in my memories. Now I’ve become pretty good at it. I’ve also managed to bring back some unaltered memories, but those are much fewer. Something always has to trigger them. It’s a lot like what I imagine recovering from amnesia would be like, except I have all these fake memories thrown in as well.”

“What about me?” Johanna grinned in amusement. “What can you remember about me?”

“You’re in a lot of the shiny--fake, I mean--memories from the Quarter Quell, but I haven’t gotten many unaltered memories from that. It’s hard to tell what about you is real and what isn’t in those.”

“So it’s like starting over.” Johanna smirked. “How lucky. You get to meet me twice.”

Peeta shook his head. “Not really. Seeing you again is already helping me sort things out. I think I’ll have the old memories straight soon. It’s easy to do that with most people. They were only focused on Katniss, so others are usually similar to their real selves in the shiny memories. Talking to them again helps me realize the few things that weren’t right.”

“Most of the shit you remember about me is probably true.” Johanna nodded. “I wouldn’t bother raising your expectations otherwise.”

“I remember liking you.” Johanna’s body stiffened in surprise as Peeta spoke matter-of-factly. “I did,” he said in response to her shock. “I was always aware that you were putting up walls to be strong, and I didn’t hold it against you. I remember admiring you. Of course, I also remember you and Katniss having a sort of thinly veiled aversion to each other, and hijacked me really liked that. Now that I’m seeing you again though, I’m starting to remember that pre-hijacking me liked you too.”

“Touching,” Johanna muttered after a few moments of shocked silence. She seemed unsure how to take Peeta’s confession. “I suppose it’s no use asking about Annie. You really only met her after. Hawthorne then, since you seemed so curious. What do you remember about him? Any dirt you can give me to taunt him with?”

“Hijacked me hated him almost as much as he hated Katniss. I think pre-hijacking me was just jealous, which fueled the hatred I felt after being hijacked. I’d already started clearing through that when we were in the Capitol though, so it was easy to sort through once I was home in District 12. I think I’ve managed to get it all straight.”

“And your conclusions?” Johanna was glancing every so often at Katniss, as if hoping to get some piece of gossip. Katniss just wanted the conversation to switch topics. She’d avoided thinking about Gale as much as possible over the past months, and it was the first time she had even heard his name spoken by Peeta.

Peeta shrugged. “I don’t know. Seems like an okay guy. Anything I held against him in the past is sort of irrelevant now anyway.”

He was avoiding Katniss’s gaze. Katniss wanted to disappear. She avoided talk about Gale as a rule, but she had no idea how to handle it coming from Peeta.

Johanna glanced between Katniss and Peeta and snorted. “I suppose it is. I don’t think he has any intentions of coming back to District 12 any time soon. His mom and siblings were just in District 2 because he didn’t want to go see them.”

“How is he?” Katniss couldn’t resist the temptation to ask, even though it filled her with dread.

Johanna’s amusement only deepened as she watched a jealous look pass briefly over Peeta’s face.

“As good as anyone can be who’s drowning in their work all the time. I don’t think he ever takes a break. We’re alike in that regard though. I never want time to think. That’s why I have to put up with him so much. We’re the only two who ever stick around as late as we do.”

Katniss’s mind immediately went to thoughts of all of the time Johanna and Gale must be spending together. She expected to feel at least some sort of jealousy or hurt feelings, but instead, she just felt confused at finding out that two very different people in her life had managed to intertwine their lives to the extent Gale and Johanna had. Katniss hadn’t had many close relationships over her life. Gale, even Johanna, was on a very short list in that regard. If she felt any jealousy at all, it was because she felt as if she had lost a friendship that Gale and Johanna each had, no matter how much Johanna claimed her relationship with Gale was antagonistic.

“You could probably contact him, you know.” Katniss looked at Johanna in surprise. “He wouldn’t push you away.”

“I shouldn’t,” Katniss stuttered over her words. “Not yet, at least. I need more time, and I think he does too.”

Johanna shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

Katniss thought she detected a hint of amusement in Johanna’s voice. Peeta’s expression had turned sour, and Katniss could no longer bring herself to look at him. Soon though, his mouth suddenly went up in a smile that only contained a hint of discomfort.

“I hope we get to hear from you again though, Johanna,” Peeta said brightly. “It would be a shame to not keep in contact.”

“Sure,” Johanna shrugged. “Might as well. Annie’s the only friend I have anymore.”

Annie, who had been listening quietly to the conversation, smiled contently and leaned over to pat Johanna on the hand. Katniss thought back to the Johanna before and during the uprising and wondered when she had managed to develop the patience to accept any sort of comforting.

“Not anymore,” Peeta grinned. “And you’re welcome in District 12 whenever you’d like. It could even be a sore spot to rub in with Gale.”

“I think I’ll take you up on that someday.” Johanna smirked. “I haven’t been out there since my Victory Tour.”

“Not much to see,” Katniss commented.

“We’re rebuilding.” Peeta was quick to defend their home. “It’ll be fixed up nicer than it ever was before.”

“Anything that isn’t a military compound is nice after spending so long in District 2. It’s just freeing to be out of that place.”

“If you hate it, then why take the job?” Katniss asked.

“Call it a sort of determination, I guess.” Johanna’s lips had dropped into a slight frown. “After the little scene I caused that prevented me from being a soldier during the war, I became determined that I would be in the military, even if it wasn’t as a soldier. I don’t need the job with the victor money I’m still guaranteed, but I feel better having something to do every day. It’s also nice being in the know about what the military is up to.”

Each of the adults in the room shivered at thoughts of the past, and Miles let out a loud babble in the silence. Annie jumped to attention and swooped down to pick the infant up from his blanket on the floor. His babbling increased at the sight of his mother, and Annie snuggled him close to her chest as she retook her seat on the sofa. The small family seemed content, and if Katniss hadn’t known better, she would have never guessed what hardships Annie had been through. It was amazing how bright the baby seemed to make Annie’s life. Every so often, Katniss could catch a hint of the hurt behind Annie’s eyes, but it seemed farther away and more diluted than what was in Peeta’s and Johanna’s.

Katniss looked closer at the room and noticed for the first time the pictures of Finnick that were scattered about the house. A pang of emotion hit Katniss hard as she looked at the face for the first time since she had hurriedly turned off a Capitol news broadcast a couple of weeks after she had returned to District 12 from her trial. Katniss had to admire Annie for her willingness to display her dead husband so prominently when Katniss couldn’t even handle the memories of her dead sister and friends that always appeared in her mind.

How could the girl most broken of all of them have reached such a healthier place? Katniss was starting to think that Miles was the closest thing to a miracle she had ever known. She had been half expecting to find a despondent Annie who struggled to care for her infant son, even though her regular contact with the woman had hinted differently. Katniss hadn’t been able to believe it until she saw it for herself.

Peeta’s smile had brightened now as he watched the infant happily cuddle up to his mother. Johanna seemed entirely uninterested in the child, a sentiment Katniss shared, even with her curiosity of his affect on Annie.

Annie seemed to realize that Peeta was the only one who shared a fraction of her enthrallment with the child. “Would you like to hold him?” she asked.

Peeta agreed readily, and Katniss watched closely as Annie carefully place Miles in his arms. Her stomach tightened as she watched the joy on Peeta’s face. This was something she hadn’t expected to encounter. It wasn’t that Katniss was wholly unaware of Peeta’s desire to have children, but it had never been a pressing issue. There were too many other struggles they were facing for reproducing to be on either of their minds.

Now that he was face-to-face with a baby, Katniss worried Peeta’s thoughts would be more occupied with parenthood in the future. They still weren’t even close to ready for that whether Katniss approved or not, but she didn’t want Peeta to get even more dreams of the future from being around Miles.

Annie wandered into the kitchen once Miles was with Peeta and could be heard clanging around. Johanna seemed bored as she reached for the remote in order to turn on the large television that took up almost a whole wall of Annie’s living room. A loud, hyper voice sounded from the speakers, causing Johanna to swear and mutter, “Stupid children’s shows. He’s six months old,” as she quickly changed the channel.

Johanna landed on a show dedicated to remodeling the houses of Capitol citizens. Katniss recognized it as the original version of a short-lived show that had done the same for those in the districts, which had filmed an episode in District 12 about six months back. It turned out the downplayed tastes of the district citizens hadn’t gone over well with Capitol citizens, but the Capitol-based show was still going strong, with the district citizens marveling over the styles of the Capitol.

Katniss imagined Johanna wasn’t all that interested in Capitol decor, but the former victor leaned back on the couch and watched the screen with a glazed over look. It was the same way Katniss imagined she looked whenever she gave into the mindless “entertainment” of a television program. She wanted to ask more about Gale, especially since neither she nor Johanna were particularly excited to see which color walls the couple would choose, but she couldn’t think of how to broach the subject.

Johanna, who had always seemed to understand Katniss in the oddest of ways, glanced briefly over at her before smirking. “Go on and ask,” she encouraged.

Katniss sighed. “I don’t know what I want to ask.”

Johanna nodded, dropping the smirk from her face. “He never talks about you, but I think you’re the reason he hates me so much. Not that I don’t evoke enough hatred in most people by myself and Hawthorne isn’t the friendliest to anyone, but he always seems particularly horrible to me, and I think that’s my fault. I’m the only person still in his life, other than his family of course, that’s connected to you.

“I can’t blame him because I view him the same way. He’s like this constant reminder of the rebellion that I would rather forget, but he’s there, and I can’t do anything about it.”

“Why don’t you transfer somewhere else or get a different job?”

Johanna shrugged. “I don’t like defeat. If I did, I would have been dead years ago. I’m not letting my problems get in the way of completing what I decided to do. Besides, it would be like letting Hawthorne win, and I can’t have that.”

Katniss sensed there was more there, more that Johanna wanted to say but couldn’t bring herself to. Katniss couldn’t find it in her to pressure the other woman. She knew what it was like to want to keep certain information locked away. Johanna never wanted to appear weak, and she wasn’t one to spill her troubles, even to someone just as screwed up as she was. Why Johanna seemed almost anxious about discussing Gale further, Katniss didn’t know for certain, but she was willing to let Johanna keep her secrets.

Katniss hesitated before speaking. “Just watch out for him, if you can. I’m not asking you to be good friends with him, but make sure he’s not too bad off.”

Johanna was frowning at the television again, but she nodded. “I can do that, I think.”

“Thank you,” Katniss whispered.

Miles let out a loud squeal and Katniss jumped. Her eyes flew to the infant that still sat in Peeta’s arms. Peeta, whose presence Katniss suddenly became aware of again, was watching her closely, a frown deepening lines into his forehead. Katniss held a hand out to him and offered a gentle smile as he took it. She breathed a slight sigh of relief as he smiled back, but she could still detect a hint of insecurity in his eyes.

Annie came hurrying back into the room carrying a tray of sweets and cups full of some sort of drink. She sat the tray down on the table in between them and began passing out the cups to each other them. It was some sort of juice Katniss assessed before taking a drink, one from a fruit that she didn’t recognize.

Annie didn’t seem to detect the emotions in the room as she retook Miles from Peeta and started happily babbling on to them all. Katniss smiled at the woman as she half listened and half marveled yet again that the one among them who had possibly lost the most, who had once been the most broken, could now be so content with her life. The most unafraid of what was to come.


	12. Under Water

_“I've always loved scuba diving and the cell-tickling feel of being underwater, though it poses unique frustrations. Alone, but with others, you may share the same sights and feelings, but you can't communicate well.” - Diane Ackerman_

Peeta’s eyes raked over the woods as he stumbled his way after Katniss. He had been surprised when she asked him to go with her that morning and even more surprised when she mentioned bringing something to swim in. Peeta hadn’t gone out into the woods surrounding District 12 with Katniss before. Since they had gotten back, it had been a Katniss-only thing, which Peeta thought came out of the fact that it had always been a Katniss and Gale thing. It didn’t anger him so much as it slightly annoyed him, but he was confused as to why now, of all times, Katniss had pulled him into the forest.

Katniss didn’t appear surprised at Peeta’s slow pace through the underbrush, and Peeta’s memories of their first games came to his mind. He pushed aside the shiny ones to focus on the ones that he knew were real: Katniss’s slight annoyance with his footsteps, but her willingness to put up with it. The annoyance seemed gone, perhaps because there was no longer a threat or because he at least had a prosthetic leg now as an excuse.

They had been hiking for quite a while, and Peeta had watched as the light filtering through the tree tops shifted as the sun moved through the sky. He was starting to get the hang of missing the branches and other debris that he had regularly stumbled over at the start of their walk.

Peeta had finally managed to set a pace that put him directly behind Katniss, and she didn’t seem to be going slower for his benefit. Her feet were lighter than his. While Peeta’s footsteps rustled through the brush, Katniss’s were as silent as always, and while Peeta needed to watch the forest floor closely for possible trip ups, Katniss seemed to maneuver across it without a thought. Peeta wondered how many years it took to develop that ability or if Katniss had just been born with it. Watching her made it difficult to believe anything but the later. So absorbed with watching Katniss was Peeta, that he stumbled several times more than he probably would have otherwise.

Even as walking became easier, Peeta was thankful when Katniss announced they had reached their destination. The June heat was causing him to sweat profusely, even with the sun being largely blocked out by the trees. The heat seemed to increase as Katniss led him beyond the tree line to a clearing that opened up to a lake. It was more or less what Peeta had expected from the mentions of swimming, but he took in the lake with curiosity.

Peeta really didn’t have much experience with large bodies of water or swimming, but he knew the lake would feel cooler than the air around him, which made it difficult for Peeta to hold back from immediately jumping in and drenching his clothes.

When Peeta finally turned away from the lake to look at her, Peeta saw Katniss was watching him closely to see his reaction. He smiled at her. “This place is incredible,” he said.

She nodded as she turned away and wandered to the muddy bank. Peeta followed as she sat down and began untying her boots.

“My dad used to bring me here,” she told him as she continued undressing to the bathing suit she had worn underneath. “It’s where I learned to swim. I don’t come out her much because it’s so far out, but I decided it would be nice for today, and I didn’t want to come all the way out here alone.”

“I’m glad you brought me,” he assured her. He laid his hand on hers briefly before turning his attention back to his own shoes that were halfway untied.

Katniss worked fast and was already waist deep in the water by the time Peeta was down to the swim trunks he had bought for their trip to District 4. He stepped in hesitantly, flexing the toes of his real foot as he felt the mud beneath them. It was an odd sensation that he wasn’t used to. He remembered seeing many of the Seam kids run around barefoot during the summers, more because they could than because they didn’t have shoes, but Peeta’s mother and many of the others in the town had seen it as unsanitary. Peeta had always wanted to know how it felt to run so freely and actually feel the ground beneath your feet, and now this mud under the water was an even greater experience. It felt pleasant in a way that Peeta hadn’t expected, as if he was connecting to nature in a way he hadn’t before. It was an embarrassing feeling that many would scoff at, especially in the Capitol.

Peeta laughed lightly as he wandered farther in and cherished the feeling of the cool water splashing against more of his skin. Katniss was watching him with a slight smile as he finally reached her where the water came up to her chin and right under his shoulder.

“It feels nice,” Peeta commented pointlessly.

Katniss smiled again as she moved slightly farther out and began treading water. Peeta watched her with his feet firmly planted in the shifting mud below, wishing he was capable of following after her.

“Come on,” Katniss urged. “You can do it. All you have to do is move your arms and legs to keep your head above water. It’s almost instinctual.”

Peeta was doubtful, but with Katniss sounding so confident in him, he stepped forward. He had to go out farther than Katniss before his feet would no longer scrape the bottom, and Katniss followed after him. Peeta felt the water shift around him from Katniss’s movements, and he could tell that her limbs were moving rapidly in order to hold her head up.

Peeta pushed off from the muddy bottom and began moving his limbs in an attempt at mimicking Katniss. He felt jerkier than Katniss, and his head almost went under. He kept going though, and eventually, he thought he was starting to get the the hang of it. He lasted less than a minute, even as Katniss continued to bob about. His feet finally made contact with the mud again, and Peeta let out a sigh of relief. Muscles he hadn’t even known existed were aching. He struggled to take deep breaths as the water pressed into his abdomen. Peeta pushed forward towards the bank, hoping that getting rid of the pressure would help him breathe. His legs wobbled as he walked.

Eventually, Peeta was able to sink down to sit on the lake bed. The water now lapped across his legs and hit low on his stomach. Peeta looked up at Katniss wading towards him and watched as she sat beside him, the water coming up a bit higher on her stomach. The material of her conservative bathing suit was clinging to her tightly now, and Peeta averted his eyes as he felt a slight heat in his abdomen.

Peeta looked out towards the sun that was now nearing its highest point in the sky. Soon they would need to get out the food that they had packed along with them, but it could wait for now.

“How often do you come out here then?” Peeta asked, breaking the silence they had been in.

“Not often. This is only the second time since I got back to District 12.”

“And before that?”

“Not often then either.”

“You and Gale didn’t spend a lot of time out here then?”

Katniss sighed, and Peeta thought he would have seen her roll her eyes if she had been facing him. He had to admit that Gale Hawthorne had been on his mind a lot more since their trip to District 4 the month before. His preoccupation with Katniss’s former best friend hadn’t gone unnoticed by Katniss, even though his name was never actually spoken.

“I brought Gale here once before the Quarter Quell. It was the only time he was here. We didn’t even swim.”

“You never brought him here before that?”

Katniss shook her head. “I always saw it as my dad’s spot. I didn’t feel like sharing it.”

“Then why bring me?”

Katniss shrugged. She was staring intently at her hands as she moved them through the water. “It’s different. I feel like I shouldn’t keep anything from you, including the lake. We share everything.”

She was right, Peeta realized. His and Katniss’s relationship wasn’t the same as it had been the year before when they first returned to their home. It wasn’t the same as it had been before his hijacking. It certainly wasn’t the same as Gale and Katniss’s friendship. It was different than any of that, and Peeta was just now fully realizing that.

Gale and Katniss had a past that would never be changed, but Peeta got Katniss in a myriad of ways that Gale never would. He should be thankful for that instead of sitting around feeling jealous of a man Katniss hadn’t seen for more than a year.

Peeta reached out to grasp Katniss’s hand through the water. She looked up at him in surprise, and Peeta smiled as their fingers interlaced. Katniss seemed confused at his sudden attitude change, but Peeta didn’t offer an explanation as he continued smiling at her. Katniss shifted awkwardly under his gaze, and Peeta shook away his thoughts of pulling her to him and kissing her. Instead, he wrapped his arm around her waist, and she sunk comfortably into his side as they continued to stare out into the water.


	13. Wings

_“Don't matter if I fall from the sky  
These wings are made to fly” - Little Mix_

Katniss welcomed the return to consciousness that morning as the bright July sun streamed through Peeta’s window. It had been a long time since she could remember feeling so positive about a day before she even got out of bed.

She lifted her head from Peeta’s chest to look down at his face. He was still sleeping soundly, and Katniss smiled as she pulled away from him and rose from the bed. She had learned how to maneuver through the house with ease and breakfast was on the table by the time Peeta ambled into the kitchen, still rubbing sleep from his eyes.

“Morning,” he greeted as he sat down in his usual spot across from Katniss.

Katniss smiled around the piece of fruit in her mouth. She swallowed quickly and greeted him back.

“Hunting today?” Peeta asked as he buttered his toast.

“I was going to stay in the district actually.”

Peeta appeared pleasantly surprised. Katniss hunted less often now than she had in the past, but it had been several days since she’d last gone out into the woods. Peeta figured that today would be when she finally decided to go out again.

“Do you want to stay in the house then?” he asked. “Or go into town?”

They had been staying in the house a lot recently, more from the persistent heat they’d been having than anything else, but yesterday they had gone into town to visit a very pregnant Delly before going to see the Hawthornes, who Katniss had recently started visiting again.

“How about staying in?” Katniss suggested. “You can get some painting done. I know you’ve been wanting to finish up that one piece.”

Peeta nodded in agreement. Once he was finished eating, Katniss offered to wash all of the dishes while he went ahead and got started painting. “I don’t have anything else to do other than watch you after all,” she said when he tried to protest.

It had been months now since Peeta finally let Katniss look at the paintings that scattered his living room and filled one of the spare rooms upstairs. He had been nervous at first, scared that she wouldn’t want to see flashbacks to their games or Peeta’s many representations of her. She had assured him that she saw the games enough in her own mind that she could survive seeing Peeta’s version of the events, and they had passed the point of trying to conceal their feelings for each other. Not much had been spoken, but Katniss knew what Peeta felt for her. She still didn’t understand why he wanted to paint her in the first place, but Peeta never worried about concealing that he did so from her.

Peeta had been working on this particular painting for about a month. It was coming along slowly because he kept running into roadblocks and starting new paintings instead. It was the subject matter causing the problem. Peeta had painted a lot of terrible things from his memories, but so far, his family had stayed out of it. Then Peeta had gotten the sudden desire to finally recreate them on a canvas. Now it had been a month, and all he had to show for it was some vague figures that weren’t yet distinguishable.

Peeta could recall the memory with a crispness that few of his earliest memories had. It had taken place on Peeta’s fifth birthday when his mother was feeling a bit more loving than usual, and his brothers were willing to let a day go by without any rough housing or teasing. In a true out of character moment, Mrs. Mellark had rounded up a small birthday cake baked especially for Peeta, the only one he had received his entire childhood. It was small, hardly enough to feed one person by Capitol standards, and it had been baked just for Peeta, with none of his family expecting him to share a crumb. He had though. With only the slightest bit of reluctance, a newly five years old Peeta had divided the small cake into three somewhat even pieces and given two to his older brothers. They hadn’t really thanked him out loud, but he could remember the thankfulness on their faces as they ate. Peeta had let his own piece sit for a while just to watch their happiness. It had been enough to make him not miss the cake.

That was the moment he was trying to capture with his paints. The moment that his young self sat across the table from his brothers while they smeared frosting across their faces and then eagerly licked it off. His parents sat there too, smiling with more genuine happiness than Peeta thought he had ever seen.

Katniss entering the room pulled Peeta from his memories. He was surprised to see that the vivid images in his head had been partially transferred to the canvas. Peeta’s older brother was more detailed now. Katniss paused a moment as she passed behind him to take in the slight progress.

“It looks good.”

This was Katniss’s standard response whenever she complimented Peeta’s art. Occasionally, she would add something about Peeta being a great artist, but she felt like she knew too little about art to say anything more. Peeta still appreciated the frequent compliments because he knew that Katniss really did mean them. She was the only one who ever saw his art, and the fact she enjoyed it, even without knowing how to voice it, meant a lot to him.

“Thanks,” Peeta replied. He smiled at her before turning back towards the canvas. Now that he had been pulled out of his trance, Peeta wasn’t exactly sure where to begin working again. He glanced down at the brush to see that it had been dipped in the paint he’d been using for the skin of one of his brothers. Peeta brought the brush carefully up to the canvas and continued painting his brother’s form.

Katniss had settled herself on the paint splattered couch. It was the same spot that she always occupied while watching him paint, and Peeta knew that if she were to stand, the spot would show less paint and a slight indentation right where she sat.

Peeta was slightly jealous of Katniss on the days she watched him. Whether it was painting or baking, Katniss would always observe him closely for long periods of time. Peeta couldn’t observe her doing what she did best: hunting. He was always supposed to be focused on other things at these times, but without similar opportunities to just enjoy Katniss’s presence, Peeta often found himself distracted from his tasks and just appreciating having Katniss near instead.

Peeta could feel the familiar distraction now as well. His brush was traveling in even strokes across the canvas, but his mind wasn’t on the painting. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop thinking about Katniss five feet away on the couch.

Peeta sat the brush down gently and stared at the partially painted canvas for several long moments before turning resolutely away and standing from his stool. Katniss was watching him with an intense curiosity as he sat down directly next to her on the couch.

“What is it?” she asked. Katniss never seemed to notice when he was too focused on her to actually paint much. As far as she was aware, Peeta was in his own world for hours after he started painting. His inability to work on his current project now was apparently cause for slight alarm to her.

Peeta shook his head to try and show that nothing was wrong. He reached out to take her hand, something that he had been doing more recently. Katniss always took his hand without hesitation and had even begun to initiate the contact at times.

Peeta ran his fingers gently over Katniss’s skin. This was also a newer habit of his that had developed since their trip to District 4 and become even more frequent since their trip out to the lake. Peeta would often trail his fingers over Katniss’s arm. Sometimes just to enjoy the feel of it under his fingers, and sometimes to trace the faint scars that still littered the skin.

The scars had so many different sources, and many of them were indistinguishable to Peeta. He could tell when one came from a cut or a burn, but even questioning Katniss didn’t lead to many answers. She just had too many to keep track of all of the causes herself. The ones that fascinated Peeta the most though were the outlines of the skin grafts Katniss had received after the bomb in the Capitol.

Her skin was still faintly a different shade in certain areas, and the places where these shades met were just slightly discernible when Peeta focused in on them. Peeta’s own skin was the same way, but his was even less noticeable now. His lighter skin tone had blended in with the grafted skin in a way that Katniss’s olive complexion hadn’t. There were only a few places where Peeta could still make out the areas on his body that had once been raw, red skin. Katniss still looked patched together in places if Peeta bothered to pay attention, which served as a nice reminder of just how broken she had been, yet just like her skin, she was building herself back up beautifully.

It had taken a while before Katniss felt completely comfortable with Peeta’s touches, but she was relaxed now as his fingers trailed up to her forearm. It was the most skin he ever dared touch, though he longed to see the rest of her. Peeta pushed the idea from his mind, not daring to have such thoughts while in Katniss’s presence.

“You’re beautiful.”

Peeta wasn’t sure what caused him to speak the words. He had never dared utter them to her before, too worried that she wouldn’t accept them. As it turned out, he had been right to think so. Katniss immediately stilled beside him. Peeta glanced up to make eye contact and took in her wide, frightened eyes.

“Please, take that back,” she whispered.

“Why?”

“It’s not true.”

“It is.”

Katniss sighed, turning her face towards the wall instead of Peeta. It took several minutes before she spoke again quietly.

“I’m too damaged to be beautiful.”

“That’s exactly what makes you beautiful, Katniss. You’re oblivious to it, but it’s there. These scars and everything else about you tell people right away that you’ve been through something horrible, but that’s not all. They also say that you made it out, that you survived. They show how strong and capable you are, and that makes you breath-takingly beautiful.”

She was looking at him again, shocked as opposed to fearful this time. She reached out and brushed her thumb against his cheek, and Peeta thought he might die right then and there. It was a tender touch that Peeta had only received from Katniss so far in his dreams.

“I’m not as beautiful as you,” she murmured.

Peeta snorted. “Now that’s a lie.”

“It’s not.” Katniss shook her head frantically. “I mean it. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. Everything you do impresses me, and every day we’re together I feel like I find more things that make you beautiful. If I have to accept you saying it, than you have to accept me saying it too.”

Peeta fought to keep back his grin. “Okay,” he relented. “I suppose that’s fair.”

Katniss was smiling now too. Her hand had come to rest on Peeta’s forearm and was stroking his skin there as gently as he still touched hers. Their eyes were locked with an intensity that Peeta couldn’t remember them ever having before, and suddenly, Katniss was leaning forward. Peeta took in a sharp breath right before Katniss’s lips covered his own.

Peeta’s eyes fell shut as he let the experience of kissing Katniss soak into his being. His hands came up to cup her face as hers traveled to his chest. It was slower and much tamer than their kisses had been back when a camera watched their every move, yet it was the best one Peeta could remember having. Perhaps it was that he’d been waiting to kiss Katniss again for nearly a year. The desire had first resurfaced less than a month after returning to District 12, but he had pushed it aside, knowing it wasn’t what Katniss wanted yet. Now, here she was initiating what Peeta had dreamt about. Okay. To be fair, he had dreamt about a lot more, but it always started with kissing. This was a start, and Peeta was satisfied with this much for now.

The kiss lasted for so long that eventually Peeta had to pull away. He breathed in deeply, his lungs craving the oxygen he had been depriving them. Katniss seemed to be feeling similarly as Peeta watched her chest heave up and down. She was still hovering over him, looking down at his face as if she couldn’t believe what had just happened. Peeta’s thumb stroked a slight stripe of skin on her hip that had become visible once her shirt rode up.

There was a part of Peeta that worried she would bolt, but he should have known better. If Katniss kissed him, it was a well-calculated move. One she had been thinking of doing for a while, and one that they had both known was bound to happen sooner or later. She smiled down at him with only the slightest hint of hesitation, causing Peeta to beam up at her.

A warm feeling was bubbling up inside each of them for the first time. Neither had ever felt so secure and confident.

“We’re going to be okay,” Katniss said. It was another one of those lines that was commonly said between them. As if “okay” was the closest Katniss could ever get to saying she was happy.

“Better than okay.” Peeta reached up to brush a strand of hair from Katniss’s face that had come free of her usual braid. “We’re going to be good.”

Katniss’s brow furrowed as she considered his words. Finally, a small grin broke out on her face.

“Good,” she whispered. “We’ll be good.”

Katniss leaned down once more to capture Peeta’s lips with her own.


	14. Unseen

_“Once a profound truth has been seen, it cannot be 'unseen'. There's no 'going back' to the person you were. Even if such a possibility did exist... why would you want to?” - Dave Sim_

Katniss was slipping on her jacket when the phone began to ring. She froze to stare at the offending object just feet from her. It wasn’t a Dr. Aurelius day. That was tomorrow. Annie had called just yesterday, so it would be another few days before they heard from her. Johanna had called several days back, so it would be at least another week before she bothered to get in touch again. Effie would never call this early. The Capitol was a couple of hours behind, and she was a late riser when rising wasn’t necessary. She only called in the evenings. That left none of the usual callers.

Peeta had realized the same thing and stuck his head into the hallway to share in staring at the phone with Katniss. Still confused, neither was bothering to actually move towards the phone. Finally, Peeta came to his senses and moved quickly across the hall to pick up the receiver.

Katniss could still hear the ringing in her ears as Peeta greeted the caller. She watched as he frowned. A part of her wanted to escape before Peeta could pass on some horrible news that must be the only explanation for the call.

Peeta didn’t seem alarmed though, just somber, so Katniss stayed.

“Yes, you can talk to her.” Peeta covered the speaker with his hand as he turned to Katniss. She could see his reluctance to inform her about the caller’s identity. “It’s your mother.”

Katniss felt like she had been doused in ice water. Now she was wishing she had escaped when she could and let Peeta come up with some excuse for her. She still could force Peeta to placate Mrs. Everdeen. Katniss didn’t really care if her mother believed him or not. Something, however, made her step forward and take the phone from Peeta’s grasp.

“Mom?” Katniss inwardly cringed as she heard the crack in her voice.

“Katniss.” Emotion bled through Mrs. Everdeen’s voice, which might have been heart-breaking under different circumstances.

“What are you doing?” Katniss didn’t bother to conceal the anger in her voice.

“I can’t call my own daughter?” She phrased it as a question, but Katniss could hear that she knew exactly what Katniss was thinking and didn’t necessarily disagree.

“Am I your daughter? Last I checked, I didn’t really have a mother. She left about ten years ago when my father did.”

“Sweetheart.”

Katniss pushed aside any guilt she may have felt from hearing her mother’s tears and continued on.

“No. I refuse to talk to you as if everything is okay. As if it hasn’t been more than a year since you bothered to talk to me, your own daughter. As if my well-being was ever what you cared about.”

“Katniss, I’ve always cared about you. I know you’re angry that I haven’t contacted you, but I assure you that was only because I thought both of us would be better off. We both needed to heal, and you could do that better if I wasn’t around.”

“You really believe that? You really think that not having you around helped me?”

“You’ve never needed me, Katniss. Not since you were ten years old.”

Katniss scoffed. “It’s not about needing you. It’s about my own mother bothering to talk to me when my sister had just died.”

She choked over her tears as she tried to get the words out. It was the first time she had acknowledged Prim’s death out loud, and Mrs. Everdeen’s audible sobs over the phone only made it more difficult to process.

“I really am sorry, Katniss. Maybe I made a mistake, but isn’t it at least something that I’m calling now?” She paused, but Katniss didn’t offer an answer. “I’ve wanted to talk to you for so long, but I was scared. I’ve been building up to making this call for weeks. I’m so sorry.”

The line went silent as both Everdeen women tried to control their emotions. Mrs. Everdeen’s sobs could still be heard, and her breathing seemed labored. Tears were streaming down Katniss’s face silently, and she wiped them away anxiously. Katniss jumped slightly as a hand gripped her waist, but once she had registered Peeta, she sunk into his embrace. He rested his head comfortably on her shoulder, as if giving her his strength.

“Mom, I can’t do this right now. I’m not ready to forgive you. Maybe I will be later on, but I can’t right now.”

“I understand.” Mrs. Everdeen spoke, sounding resigned. “I’ll always be here though, Katniss. You can always contact me, always visit. I’ll always be here. I want you to know that. Call me whenever you can.”

Katniss took a deep breath. “Good bye.”

She hung up the phone just as her mother voiced her goodbyes.

It would be another month before Katniss worked up the courage to call her mother again and another several months before they regularly communicated. It was a whole two years before Katniss would visit her mother in District 4 and decades before Mrs. Everdeen would ever step foot in District 12 again. But that day was at least a start.


	15. Princess

  
_“I am completely fascinated by the differences and comparisons between real life and fairy tales because we're raised as little girls to think that we're a princess and that Prince Charming is going to sweep us off our feet.” - Taylor Swift_

Haymitch’s geese were quite used to fending for themselves for periods of time while Haymitch laid around his house in a drunken slumber. The geese could always be assured that their owner would eventually run out of liquor and have little else to do but attend to their needs. This particular drunken spell had gone on a bit too long though with the supply of alcohol to the district becoming steadier, and Katniss was getting frustrated with the smell that had tainted the air for more than a week. Something needed to happen, even if she had to recruit Peeta for them to do it themselves.

Katniss had went into town the day before in order to pick up a new pair of boots for Peeta. None of his current shoes would be useful while stomping through a geese pen. The boots would no doubt be necessary, but it turned out that they also made his usually loud stride even louder. Katniss could hear him stomping along beside her as they approached Haymitch’s front door.

In other circumstances, Katniss would have headed straight towards the back and started cleaning. Instead, she was banging on Haymitch’s door. She figured it was better to dodge a knife that she could see coming than have a startled and confused Haymitch come up behind her while she was cleaning.

Unsurprisingly, no one answered her knocks, and Katniss entered the house unwelcomed with Peeta following closely behind her. They each headed straight towards the kitchen to find Haymitch hunched over the table as he usually was at his drunkest. Katniss’s eyes searched for the knife and saw it clenched in his hand. Peeta was already filling a dirty glass with water at the sink. Katniss backed away towards the doorway as she prepared for Peeta to douse their former mentor with the water.

Peeta stood as far as he could before throwing the water towards Haymitch. Peeta then stumbled quickly over to Katniss, his hurriedness causing his fake leg to almost trip him up. Katniss was prepared to push him out of the way if he couldn’t dodge Haymitch’s knife fast enough, but Peeta made it towards her without a scratch. Katniss whirled around to take in Haymitch, who had awoken with a loud shout, the knife still in his hand as if he had caught himself before throwing it.

“Pain in the asses, both of you,” Haymitch muttered as he took his seat once more. He lifted his empty glass to inspect it for any traces of alcohol before reaching for the bottle to refill it.

“We wanted to let you know that we’re cleaning out the geese pen ourselves,” Katniss informed him as she stepped towards the back door.

Haymitch appeared startled but didn’t voice as much. “As if I would complain about someone else doing my work.”

Katniss didn’t bother to explain that Haymitch’s anger at their task wasn’t what she had been trying to prevent. Instead, she stepped out into the backyard and was hit with an odor much more overwhelming than it had been from the yard of Peeta’s house.

It was a wonder Haymitch could even live with this smell. Apparently, being drunk messed with your sense of smell. The geese seemed more or less happy, but then Katniss wasn’t sure how to gauge the happiness of geese. She considered any that weren’t being shot at or trying to attack her to be happy enough.

“Where do we even start?” Peeta asked.

Katniss was forced to admit that she wasn’t sure. She had seen Haymitch doing this enough times to have a broad idea, but she didn’t know how to begin.

“Just start racking up the straw,” Haymitch slurred from behind them.

Katniss startled. She swirled around to see Haymitch leaning in the doorway, a half empty bottle of liquor in his hands. She nodded as if this had been her plan all along and reached for a rake that was leaning against the back wall of Haymitch’s house. There was only one rake, but Peeta took a shovel and announced that he would shovel up whatever poop he could find.

Haymitch, who seemed to be enjoying the free labor, settled onto his back steps to watch as he drank.

It was an hour later when Katniss and Peeta had both decided that their free work was done and settled onto the steps beside Haymitch. The geese were roaming around in front of them, and Katniss discovered that they were actually funner to observe than she would have thought.

Haymitch, who had made several well aimed comments while they worked, now appeared close to passing out. He had finished off his bottle of liquor long ago, and for some reason, hadn’t gone to get more. When Katniss asked why, his response had been, “It was my last bottle.”

It was with slight anger that Katniss gritted her teeth, now knowing that the geese pen could have been clean as early as tomorrow if she hadn’t interfered. Haymitch seemed to have caught on, offering her a smug, amused smile.

It was nearing dinner time now, and Katniss was beginning to feel the emptiness in her stomach.

“You want to eat dinner with us, Haymitch?” she asked the older man. It was an offer she had made frequently in the past and only half the time was it accepted.

Haymitch shrugged, the closest thing to a yes that Katniss was likely to achieve. He followed as Peeta and Katniss walked back to their own house. Katniss knew that Haymitch was still paying Greasy Sae to bring him meals every so often, and Hazel was back to cleaning his house once Katniss set it up again. Still, there was only so much the women could do, and Haymitch looked just as unhealthy as he always had. He surely hadn’t had a decent meal since Greasy Sae last dropped by several days ago.

Haymitch didn’t offer to help with anything as he threw himself down at their kitchen table in the same position he’d been in at his own. In most circumstances, it would be expected of a guest, but Katniss still had to push down her wave of annoyance over Haymitch’s laziness.

The meal wasn’t going to be a fancy one. It would consist of meat Katniss had hunted and bread Peeta had baked and some sort of vegetable or fruit that they had bought in town, the same sort of meal they had every day. Haymitch probably would have eaten rotten meat if it was sat in front of him, honestly. He stood out in District 12 now that everyone was better fed than they ever had been before. Haymitch’s gaunt frame made it clear that something wasn’t quite right with the man.

Haymitch had drifted off into a loud snoring slumber by the time a plate was sat down in front of him. A knife was no longer in his hands, but Katniss didn’t want to discount him using any weapons he could have hidden within his baggy clothes or even attempting to strangle them with his own hands.

“Water again?” Peeta asked.

Katniss shrugged and sat at her own seat to eat. She’d done her part and gotten Haymitch a meal. He could wake up on his own to eat it. Peeta followed her lead, and they proceeded to eat as they would every other night except with a snoring drunk in their company.

Katniss was taking her last bite when Haymitch let out a particularly loud snore and jolted awake.

“Nice of you to join us,” Peeta commented as Haymitch looked frantically around him in confusion. Katniss was thankful that Haymitch hadn’t awoken in a more violent way. Instead, he looked around the room in confusion a few times before picking up his fork and stuffing a large mouthful of venison in his mouth.

Katniss pushed her empty plate away from her and crossed her arms on the table. Haymitch was shoveling food in his mouth at a speed that showed just how long it had been since he had really eaten. Peeta and Katniss sat quietly by as he ate. No one felt the need to start conversation.

When Haymitch had finished, he pushed his plate away from him in a similar manner to how Katniss had just minutes before. The man still said nothing as he leaned back in his chair and rubbed his stomach. From anyone else, Katniss would have expected a thank you for the food or at least the invitation, but she had long since thrown out all standards of behavior when it came to Haymitch.

Katniss watched as Haymitch’s hand began to curl into and out of a fist, as if itching to be wrapped around a bottle of alcohol. Withdrawal Haymitch was more unbearable than drunk Haymitch, and Katniss knew that the coming days would be hard. There wasn’t supposed to be another shipment of alcohol to the district for more than a week. Trains came on an almost daily basis these days, but luxuries such as alcohol took second place to necessities like the food, hygiene product, and more commonly used medicine that was in every shipment.

Much of Katniss and Peeta’s time was spent in silence. They could carry on a conversation easily when there was something to be said, but more often than not, they felt it unnecessary. They knew what the other was thinking about on a near constant basis, and there was no use saying it out loud as well. The same was true whenever they spent time with Haymitch. The man may have disappeared into his house for long lengths of time, but Katniss and Peeta still saw more of him than any other person besides each other and perhaps Greasy Sae, who Katniss sold game to every few days.

The three of them were some of the last of a thankfully dying species and understood each other on a level that couldn’t be found with others in the district. Everyone here above the age of one had experienced horrific tragedy, but none had become quite so screwed up as the three that sat around the table that night. When you had witnessed and committed such terrible crimes, it was hard to even want to bother with small talk. Words seemed useless.

“Have you heard from Effie recently, Haymitch?” Peeta broke the silence.

Haymitch shook his head with a dark frown. Katniss knew Effie called Haymitch just as often as she did her and Peeta thanks to Effie’s frequent complaints that Haymitch didn’t pick up the phone half the time.

“I’ve kept that damned woman away recently,” Haymitch growled.

Peeta smirked. “Not for long. She’s coming to visit next month.”

Katniss had to smile at Haymitch’s loud cursing.

“Said she missed our ‘quaint’ district,” Peeta continued. “She wants to see how we’ve rebuilt. There was some comment about hoping it was more cosmopolitan than before.”

“That goddamn woman will never be happy unless we turn this place into a gaudy Capitol replica.”

Peeta shrugged. “Probably not, but I think she wants to check up on us more than anything. She just didn’t want to say so.”

“Check up on you two more like. She better know by now that I can handle myself just fine. We’ll see if she manages to get through my locked door. I’ll have to stock up on liquor in advance.”

“You really expect her to just leave you alone when she can’t get in?” Katniss asked. “Give Effie more credit.”

Haymitch nodded. “That woman does have a fierce sense of determination when she wants. It’s the only compliment I’ll give her.”

Haymitch may have been quick to brush the compliment off, but Katniss was impressed. It was the most positive she had heard Haymitch speak about a person other than his jabs about Peeta being better than Katniss. Haymitch was one to point out flaws, not strengths. 

Katniss got the feeling that, for all his talk, Effie was one of the few people that had managed to earn some sort of spot in Haymitch’s heart in the past couple of decades. Katniss and Haymitch weren’t the sort of people to typically deal with people like Effie, yet here they were. Effie could almost be some sort of motherly figure in Katniss’s life, and right now Katniss was more appreciative of Effie than her own mother.

Some makeshift family the games had turned the four of them into. Katniss never would have thought such a thing possible the day she volunteered, yet Haymitch and Effie had managed to become one of the few constants in Katniss’s life, any annoyance with the cheery woman aside.

Haymitch threw his feet up onto the table and leaned his chair back on its back legs.

“She staying here?” Haymitch asked.

“Katniss’s house,” Peeta said. “No one’s there nowadays, so we offered it to her.”

“You can’t give her an entire damn house. She’ll never leave. I wonder if geese can be taught to attack on command.”

Katniss snorted. “Not with you trying to teach them.”

“I’ve got no liquor, so I need something to occupy my time. Besides, I’ve seen geese attack. It’d be worth it.”

The next day Katniss would walk through Haymitch’s backyard toward the woods and discover him attempting to command his geese. Katniss would laugh and remind him it would never work. Haymitch would insult her with a “I’ll show you otherwise, princess.” Next week, when the alcohol came in, all thoughts of training would be lost. And when Effie arrived several weeks later, Katniss would be sure to remind Haymitch how wrong he had been.


	16. Sharp

_“The sharp thorn often produces delicate roses.” - Ovid_

It was a week after Effie departed back for the Capitol when it started. Peeta had brushed it off as a cold at first and thought nothing of it. He didn’t bother to stay in bed to rest, and he pushed off the questions Katniss would throw his way about how he felt. She watched him closely but kept her mouth shut after realizing that he wouldn’t relent.

When Peeta started getting nauseous, he did everything he could to conceal it. Katniss was more hesitant about going out to hunt with Peeta feeling poorly, but he pushed her out the door anyway, wanting to be able to languish about in discomfort for a few hours without worrying about keeping up a nonchalant appearance.

It was when he first coughed up a bit of blood that he thought maybe he should be worried. He silently thanked the universe that Katniss was still out when it happened. Peeta knew from her shortened schedule since he’d started feeling poorly that she was probably already walking back from town.

Peeta quickly cleaned up any possible traces of blood and stationed himself at his usual spot in front of an easel with paint brush in hand. He probably could have pulled off being fine if his shoulders hadn’t been sagging as if impossibly heavy. He just felt too weak to bother straightening up, even though he knew it would throw Katniss on his scent.

Sure enough, Katniss was at his side the minute she was through the door. She had taken time to discard her bow and arrows, but her jacket and boots remained on instead of stored away in the closet. Katniss was quick to place a hand on his shoulder, as if she would be able to feel whatever was ailing him just by her touch.

“I’m fine,” Peeta insisted before she could get a word out. The phlegm in his throat weighed down his words, making them appear just as false as they were.

“We have to get you to the clinic.” Katniss covered his forehead with her hand, and Peeta cringed knowing she could feel the intense heat radiating from his body.

Peeta had considered going to the clinic several times but so far had resisted. The place scared him a bit. It had finally opened five months earlier in the only completed part of the building that would eventually be District 12’s hospital. The care at the clinic was supposed to be far superior to anything District 12 had before the war. Apparently, many of the doctors from richer districts and the Capitol had come out to District 12 as some sort of charity project and were really quite skilled.

It almost made Peeta distrust them more. Flashbacks to his time in the sterilized, white rooms he’d been imprisoned in at the Capitol ran through his mind as well as the trying times in District 13’s medical ward. Peeta didn’t want that again, even if he should, in theory, be allowed to keep his mind this time.

Peeta had thought he was hiding his fear of the clinic well, but Katniss seemed to read his mind.

“I’ll be there the entire time,” Katniss said. “I won’t let them do anything.”

Peeta believed it and even knew it was an unnecessary caution. The problem was that Katniss being there would only make him more anxious because it meant he had to worry about her too. Katniss may not have been quite as wary of the clinic as he was, but she had been overprotective ever since Peeta started getting sick. He didn’t want her worrying even more because of whatever was wrong with him.

“No.” He shook his head. “You can come with me to the clinic, but I want to go back alone.”

Katniss looked even more worried, but Peeta pushed aside any guilt. He knew it was for the best. He would survive the clinic and save Katniss some worry.

Peeta stood from his stool and tried to cover a wince as a fresh stab of pain shot through his chest. He gasped, trying to get in air that seemed more and more difficult to get with each breath. Katniss was at his side quickly, arms wrapping around him and trying desperately to help. Peeta pushed her away with a simple lie of, “I’m fine.” She let go but continued to hover close as Peeta made his way into the hall to grab his jacket.

“Don’t you need something warmer than that?” Katniss asked.

Peeta glanced down at the light jacket he held in his hands. “It’s only October, Katniss.”

Katniss bit her lip. “I know, but you’ve been so feverish lately.”

“I’m fine,” he repeated, harsher than he meant to.

Katniss stood there wringing her hands for several minutes, as if she meant to argue further, but eventually she sighed and moved towards the door. Peeta was about to get on to her about not dressing warm enough when he realized that she still hadn’t removed her coat since arriving. He shook his head in an attempt to clear it. He really did have to feel bad if he wasn’t even noticing what Katniss was wearing.

Even in his weakened state, putting on the jacket was relatively simple. It was only once he had the jacket on that Peeta realized he was still only in his socks. He glanced down at his shoes, willing them to magically appear onto his feet. When they didn’t, he glanced sheepishly up at Katniss, who was watching him closely and seemed to be pushing down a small bit of amusement.

“Sit on the stairs.” She spoke gently and guided him towards the steps as if he didn’t know where they were.

Peeta had to brace himself against the banister as he lowered himself down on the fifth step up. Katniss picked up the right shoe, the one that would go onto his real foot. Peeta offered the foot out to her and watched closely as she slipped it on. A part of him thought he should be embarrassed that Katniss had to do something as simple as put on his shoes, but the fatigue that was coming on even stronger now seemed to be stifling any sense of pride Peeta normally would have felt.

Once each shoe was on and the laces double-knotted, Katniss pushed herself to her feet and offered a hand out to Peeta. He took it with his left while also bracing himself against the banister once more with his right. Katniss’s arm immediately wove around Peeta’s waist, not trusting him to walk on his own. He allowed it, choosing to relish the closeness instead of focus on his dependency. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and squeezed her briefly in thanks.

Katniss smiled up at him and even went up on her toes to peck him on the lips, which they hadn’t been doing much lately. Peeta had been refusing her at first, not wanting her to get sick, but Katniss had stopped initiating once she realized just how sick Peeta was.

“Come on,” she urged after pulling away. “We only have a couple of hours until the clinic closes.”

On most days, a couple of hours would have been plenty of time to make it from their house to the clinic. Today, however, the trip seemed to take triple the amount of time it usually did. At first the crisp autumn air had felt good against Peeta’s fevered skin, but as they continued stumbling together down the streets, Peeta’s hands had started freezing even as a light layer of sweat began to coat his face.

Katniss’s arm around his waist tightened as they walked. In other circumstances, Peeta would have worried about how much of his weight she was being forced to support, but he couldn’t bring himself to even consider it. All he knew was that it was impossible for him to make another step on his own, and Katniss’s help was the only thing getting him to that clinic.

“Maybe we should get a car,” Peeta remarked as they passed Greasy Sae’s grocery store only several blocks from their destination.

“We’d never need to use it.” Katniss’s breathing was almost as labored as Peeta’s, yet her voice was distinctly more aware of her surroundings. “If we bought one, this would never happen again.”

All the more reason to buy one, Peeta thought as they trudged down the street. The town was as busy as it ever got, and people kept stopping to watch them with curiosity. Several people offered their help, but Katniss shooed them away, claiming that she was perfectly fine getting Peeta to the clinic herself. Peeta would have stepped in and accepted, but he didn’t want to wound Katniss’s pride when his own was already taking so many blows.

Peeta let out a sigh of relief as soon as they were in the clinic and Katniss had deposited him on the nearest chair. There were only two other people in the room: someone waiting and the working nurse behind a desk. Katniss immediately stepped towards the check-in desk. The entire room was small enough that everything could be heard by everyone, even if spoken in whispers. The waiting patient, a woman with a Seam look about her who looked to be about seven or so months pregnant, lowered her magazine just enough to make it clear that she was listening in.

“Peeta Mellark needs to see a doctor as soon as possible,” Katniss said. “There’s something really wrong with him, and I don’t know what it is.”

The nurse tore her wide eyes away from The Mockingjay long enough to peer around her at Peeta. It was clear to Peeta as he took her in that she wasn’t from District 12. The diamonds around her neck seemed to hint at District 1, as she clearly wasn’t Capitol. Peeta squirmed as the woman looked him up and down without ever moving from her seat.

“He looks pretty bad,” the woman commented.

For a moment, Peeta thought he might have to use his nonexistent energy to hold Katniss back, but somehow, Katniss reigned in her anger and kept it to a simple eye roll and gritted teeth.

“That would be why we’re here,” she told the unperturbed nurse.

The older woman wasn’t looking at them anymore as she began paging through some papers on her cluttered desk.

“One of you needs to fill these out.” She handed a clipboard with some papers and a pen over to Katniss. “We’ll get you back to a doctor as soon as possible.”

The idea of paperwork over immediate action frustrated Katniss, but she took the clipboard without a word. The clinic didn’t have a large staff, but they also couldn’t be that busy. Many residents of District 12 still didn’t use the clinic for much other than serious emergencies.

Once she had taken a seat, Katniss glanced briefly at the papers she’d been given before thrusting the board at Peeta.

“I don’t know any of this,” she claimed.

Peeta looked down at it and saw that most of the questions were indeed things Katniss wouldn’t know. Not even Peeta knew anything about his parents’ medical histories. He frowned as he debated what he should do.

“Just write stuff down.”

Katniss had whispered, but nothing could stop her words from floating through the room and right to the nurse, who let out a loud scoff. Peeta followed the advice anyway and began scribbling down his best guesses. He highly doubted any of this would prevent them from being able to treat his current predicament anyway.

Katniss took the clipboard back up to the nurse as soon as Peeta was done, and the waiting really began. It only took several minutes for the pregnant woman to be called back, and Katniss tensed beside Peeta. Normally, he would have no qualms about it, but the sharp pain in his chest made him want to rush through the doors and demand someone help him. He’d come here reluctantly, but if he was going to get help, he wanted it now.

Luckily, Peeta didn’t have to wait long before he was escorted back to a room, leaving a disgruntled Katniss behind. It looked a lot like the room Peeta had once been kept in at District 13, much less ominous than the ones at the Capitol but still with enough sharp looking equipment to be unpleasant.

There was more waiting to be done in the room, but eventually, a man with a white lab coat who had to be a doctor came through the door holding a clipboard not dissimilar to the one Peeta had held earlier and carrying papers that looked to be covered in Peeta’s handwriting.

“Mellark, Peeta,” the man muttered to himself. It took a few more steps before the man seemed to process the name. He paused and glanced at Peeta with surprise. “Oh,” he muttered.

It was enough to offer Peeta a bit of amusement after the long wait.

The man recovered quickly though and was back to acting professionally.  
“What seems to be the problem, Mr. Mellark?” the man asked.

Peeta launched into a detailed explanation of every symptom he’d had and when it occurred. He wasn’t sure what was important and what wasn’t, but it was better safe than sorry. The doctor listened intently while occasionally making notes on his clipboard. Once it was clear Peeta’s story was over, the doctor asked several questions, giving Peeta the impression that he hadn’t said enough, but most of the questions had never occurred to him.

Finally, the doctor set the clipboard down and pulled out a stethoscope.

“I’m going to have to listen to your lungs, as they seem to be the source of the problem.”

Peeta nodded. It was a simple enough request.

The metal was cold as it touched his skin, and Peeta felt goosebumps erupt all over his body. The doctor asked him to breathe deeply, and Peeta fought to fill his lungs. The doctor nodded as if he had heard what he expected.

“Well, Mr. Mellark, I believe you have pneumonia, but we’ll need an x-ray to be sure.”

“An x-ray?” Peeta asked in alarm. “Of my lungs?”

The doctor had picked up the clipboard once more and nodded absent-mindedly as he scribbled down more notes.

“It’s the best way to assess whether or not it really is pneumonia. If the x-rays confirm my diagnosis, then we’ll have to do some blood tests in order to find out what type of pneumonia you have. You seem pretty badly off right now, so it’s possible you’ll need to stay overnight. That could mean more tests. Did you come here alone?”

“No, Katniss is in the waiting room.” He didn’t bother to explain who Katniss was, knowing from the doctor’s recognition of him before that it wouldn’t be necessary.

The doctor nodded. “I’d recommend sending her back here to let her know what’s going on. You’re allowed one guest to stay with you, and it gets pretty lonely in these rooms at night.”

Peeta wanted to wait until the x-ray showed it really was pneumonia, but he nodded his head anyway, giving the doctor permission to get Katniss.

Katniss was in the room with a speed that was probably unprecedented in the clinic. She hurried over to Peeta and began inspecting him, as if something would have changed in the short time they’d been apart.

“What’s going on?” she asked. It was clear that being asked back here instead of having Peeta sent back to her had startled her, and Peeta felt a pang of guilt.

“I have to get an x-ray.” He launched into the same explanation the doctor had given him. Her frown continuously deepened as she learned he may have to stay the night.

“You don’t have to stay,” Peeta assured her. “I’ll be fine on my own.”

“Of course I’m staying. I’m not leaving you here with them by yourself, especially not when you’re like this.”

Peeta knew there was no use trying to talk her out of it, so he stayed quiet. Katniss spotted a chair up against one wall and took a seat, adjusting in discomfort because of the hard surface. They sat in a tense silence while they awaited the doctor’s return, both concerned about the night ahead of them.

The doctor was back quicker than Peeta had expected, and the x-ray was done with no problems. Peeta was immediately shipped off to an overnight room while the x-ray processed. It was even more depressing than the one he had been in before. There had clearly been attempts to make it appear homely, but the decorations only emphasized how un-homelike the room really was. Peeta shuffled into one of the hospital gowns, not unlike those he had worn while in District 13, before claiming the bed that was apparently his for the immediate future. There was one lone chair occupying the room that folded out into an uncomfortable looking bed. Katniss was watching it with distaste and standing with her arms crossed instead of taking it.

The diagnosis was what was expected. The pictures of his lungs showed that it was definitely pneumonia, and the doctor and nurses were quick to poke Peeta with needles in order to ascertain just was kind of pneumonia it was.

The needles stung, and Peeta’s eyes squeezed tightly shut as the tracker jacker memories came to the forefront of his mind. He hadn’t been eating well because of the sickness, and the nurses were quick to force crackers and soup on him as soon as the tests had been finished. The mass-produced taste of the food made it even harder to stomach, but Peeta forced it down with little complaint. He was willing to do whatever they asked if it meant getting better. He may have limited trust of doctors who wanted to mess with his mind, but he had little doubts that these doctors knew what they were doing in this particular area.

Katniss seemed more uncertain. She eyed the food she had been brought with a distrustfulness even as she quietly ate it, and she wouldn’t stop throwing anxious looks at Peeta as if afraid he would drop dead at any moment. Peeta tried to appear as healthy as possible, but it was difficult in a hospital gown while having violent coughing fits. Katniss had finally taken the chair in order to eat, and she seemed to scoot closer with every cough until her legs were brushing the underside of the hospital bed.

Peeta reached for her hand once he no longer had to use it for holding his spoon. He stroked her skin with his thumb, hoping to sooth her from a bit of the anxiety.

That was when the nausea became overwhelming. Peeta kicked at the blankets covering him, causing them to wrap around his prosthetic leg. Panic filled him as he realized that there was no way for him to reach a toilet in time; as soon as he realized this, the vomit began to rise into his mouth. Katniss, who had been struggling to help Peeta, quickly realized what was coming and jumped out of the way, managing to miss the vomit by inches.

A nurse rushed into the room quicker than Peeta had seen any of them during his time there. Peeta tried apologizing, but the nurse hushed him as she pushed him back into the bed. At the angle he had vomited, Peeta had managed to miss everything but the floor. After assessing that her patient was clean, the nurse instructed Katniss to watch her step and hurried back out of the room to get cleaning supplies.

It seemed like only minutes later that the floor was shining again and Peeta had a needle stuck into his arm for an IV. The sensation made him uncomfortable, but he accepted it once the nurse explained they were worried about dehydration. Peeta had enough experience with dehydration to accept the uncomfortable IV with no complaints.

Peeta was still adjusting to the IV when the doctor arrived once more with the results of the blood test and strict instructions on what was to be done in order to help Peeta get well again. He soaked in every word, determined to do just as he was told and completely aware of a stiff Katniss sitting beside him. He turned to look at her once the doctor was gone. She was still staring after the doctor with her teeth sunk into her bottom lip.

Peeta reached out for her hand once more. Katniss took his with little thought but startled when Peeta used her hand to pull her forward.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Come up here,” Peeta said. “Sit with me.”

It was difficult to scoot over, especially while watching the tube that connected him to his IV, but he managed to make a space large enough for Katniss to squeeze into. She cuddled close to his side, and Peeta wrapped an arm around her waist to hold her as securely as he could. Katniss’s head fell onto his shoulder, causing Peeta to drop a kiss onto the top of her head.

“I’m sorry I’m putting you through all of this,” he whispered.

Katniss’s head shot up, and she looked at him in surprise. “It’s not as if this is your fault. You didn’t make yourself sick on purpose.”

Peeta shrugged. “Maybe not, but I still feel like it’s my fault.”

“Well, don’t,” Katniss urged. “I don’t blame you at all. Just focus on getting better.”

“I am.”

Katniss nodded and laid her head back down. “That’s all I ask. As long as you’re here with me, it’s okay.”

“The doctor said I’ll probably be weak for a while,” Peeta repeated needlessly.

“I heard,” Katniss replied, but it wasn’t said patronizingly, which encouraged Peeta to go on.

“I’m not going to be able to get around much. It’ll be harder to do normal things.”

Peeta heard Katniss’s sigh. Her hand that was resting on his stomach moved to latch onto his side and pull Peeta closer.

“Stop,” she said firmly. “Just worry about getting out of the hospital for now. We’ll worry about everything else later.”

Peeta did what she asked and stopped talking about his illness for the rest of the night, even as he was given some sort of drug and regularly assessed by some nurse or doctor. Peeta knew that Katniss really was worried, that it was painful for her to see him in such a weakened state, so Peeta vowed to get better as quickly as possible in order to quell any fears Katniss may have had.

His staunch belief that he was going to get better so quickly ended up doing more harm than good. Peeta was back on his feet only days after leaving the hospital in a complete disregard for the doctor’s orders. Katniss took to spending every day with him after finding him up and about for a third time when she came back from the woods. A month later, Peeta would still be feeling the effects of the pneumonia and, looking back on it, had probably caused Katniss even more stress and worry by consistently insisting that he was fine. That thought only came in hindsight though because, in the moment, he was too concerned about Katniss worrying about the pneumonia that it never occurred to him to just stay in bed until he felt better.

Eventually, the weakness would fade away just as the sharp pains had after the hospital visit. Katniss and Peeta would come out of it stronger, less worried that something so simple and unexpected could rip them apart. Now they held the knowledge that they could make it through small scares, so perhaps they could live long, healthy lives before dying quietly of old age. Maybe. It seemed more likely than it ever had before.


	17. Fading

_“The horrors of the Second World War, the chilling winds of the Cold War and the crushing weight of the Iron Curtain are little more than fading memories. Ideals that once commanded great loyalty are now taken for granted.” - Jan Peter Balkenende_

“I feel that it would be best if we started taking you off of your medication.”

The words rang through Katniss’s ears as if they had been screamed, yet Dr. Aurelius was calm on the other end of the line.

“What?” Katniss couldn’t quite believe that the pills she had been taking for far longer than a year were finally going to be taken out of her life.

“You’re doing much better,” Dr. Aurelius continued. “And I feel like both you and Peeta are ready. I was going to tell him that myself during his next call, but if you want to pass along the message, feel free. I recommend doing it together. That way each of you will be understanding if any difficulties arise.

“And difficulties will almost certainly arise,” Dr. Aurelius cautioned. “You’ve been on this medication for more than a year, and your body has come to rely on it. I believe both of you are now strong enough mentally to function without the medicine, but it will take work. Possibly a lot of it and especially for Peeta. His hijacking symptoms may become stronger, but I have complete faith that he’s learned how to cope with them on his own. You’re free and clear.”

Katniss was still taking shallow breaths as she tried to process what the doctor was telling her.

Dr. Aurelius continued on, seemingly unaware that his patient was currently panicking. “I need to feel assured that you both know to call me the second you feel something is wrong. I don’t care what time of the day or what you think I may be doing, you call. I will help in any way possible. I’m also going to contact the clinic there in District 12 and get you a doctor who can help for any potential situation where you need to see someone in person. Understood?”

Katniss could only bring herself to nod before realizing that Dr. Aurelius couldn’t see. “Yes,” she said. “Understood. I’ll tell Peeta.”

“Good. If there are no further questions, I’ll let you go, and I’ll be calling again for Peeta’s appointment tomorrow. It can be a chance to see how your first hours off of the medicine go.”

Katniss nodded once more and assured the doctor that there were no questions. She couldn’t help but stare at the phone long after she had hung up on Dr. Aurelius.

Katniss wasn’t sure what she had thought her life with the medication would be like. She had been told that an ideal situation would involve her being off the pills someday, but she hadn’t really thought the day would ever come. Katniss had spent months of her life loathing the pills every time she swallowed them, yet now she found herself mourning the loss of the same drugs she hated.

Peeta was bent over the counter when Katniss entered the kitchen from the den, where she always sat for Dr. Aurelius’ calls. As she neared, Katniss noticed the flour that coated his apron. It was like that a lot when Peeta baked. Flour and other ingredients were sure to get everywhere. Katniss thought that he would have been capable of being neater if he had to, but something in Peeta enjoyed the messiness of not caring if the ingredients went in the dough or on the floor.

Peeta glanced up from his kneading when Katniss passed through his line of vision.

“How’d it go?”

This habit of asking each other how their phone appointments with Dr. Aurelius went was a relatively new one. For months the appointments had been a taboo subject, with neither thinking the other would be comfortable discussing them. Then Katniss had cracked and asked Peeta about his one day when Peeta seemed particularly troubled. Since then it had become a habit the same way they asked about other aspects of their days. There seemed to be nothing one wouldn’t share with the other now.

“Our pills,” Katniss blurt out. Peeta looked at her in confusion, and Katniss took a deep breath before going on to explain. “We don’t have to take our pills anymore. Dr. Aurelius wants us to stop, and he’ll check up on us to see if there are any problems. We’re keeping the appointments same as always, and we’re supposed to call him or a doctor at the clinic if we need anything.”

Peeta’s hands had stilled over the dough. Katniss thought it was just as well, a slight sheen of sweat was coating his face. This was the first time Peeta had baked since his hospitalization, but he had claimed that eating the bread Greasy Sae sold was going to kill him and Katniss had finally relented. Peeta gave in to the fatigue now and lowered himself into his usual chair at the kitchen table.

He appeared just as shocked as Katniss felt. Katniss sat down in a chair across from him and reached out to take his hand.

“Wow,” Peeta finally breathed. “I never thought the day would come.”

Katniss nodded along in agreement.

“Do you think he’s right?” she asked. “Do you think we can handle it on our own?”

Peeta shrugged. “I don’t know, but I guess we can find out. My episodes are rare now. I haven’t even had one in months. My shiny memories are never going to disappear, but I at least know what was real and what wasn’t. Do you think you’re ready?”

Katniss thought about it for several moments before nodding, surprising even herself. “I do. I don’t think I’ll ever really get over everything, but I do think that I can manage without the pills.”

She glanced up to meet Peeta’s eyes to find him smiling across at her with his usual fondness.

“I think you can too,” he said. “You were always the strong one between the two of us.”

Katniss snorted. “No I wasn’t. Maybe I have been strong. I had no choice. But it was no more than you have been. You’re one of the strongest people I know, Peeta.” She looked him directly in the eye so he would know how serious she was. “One of the strongest and greatest and just all around best people I know. I know I don’t voice my feelings enough, but you should know that. I’m so happy with you.” She was stumbling over her words now. It felt awkward and vulnerable saying such things, but she trudged on. “And I’m happy that we have each other, and that you’re somehow okay with putting up with me-”

Peeta cut her off by standing abruptly and pulling her towards him. His arms wrapped tightly around her waist, and he lowered his head closer to hers.

There was a moment of silence as Peeta debated saying what he had longed to for so long. For finally speaking what he had long thought about. Finally, he decided on how to word what he wished to say and spoke.

“You love me, real or not real?”

Katniss’s breathing was shallow and her eyes wide as she stared up at Peeta’s face not even an inch from her own. All thoughts of anything but the man holding her had faded from her mind. Peeta, and only Peeta, had the ability to do the wonderful and yet scary thing of making her forget absolutely everything but the happiness he made her feel.

“Real,” she whispered with every ounce of emotion she could summon.

Her hand reached up to pull his head down and finally close the small gap between their lips. Katniss’s hands tangled themselves in Peeta’s hair as they kissed passionately. All other thoughts having long since faded away.


	18. Dirt

_“Lets not push it under the rug, or push it to the side because, no matter what, it's going to keep coming up. You know, if you never deal with that dirt up under the carpet, it's going to get larger and larger, and it's going to keep coming up.” - Herschel Walker_

Katniss could feel how tense her body moved as she hiked through the woods. She was acutely aware of how this trip could go and wished she wasn’t out here at all. She had put off hunting for more than a week now, but she and Peeta were out of all of the meat they had stored. Since Katniss refused to pay the price that Greasy Sae charged for beef, here Katniss was jumping at every small sound that was typical of the woods.

Just when Katniss had started to convince herself that her fears were unfounded, he was there. Luckily, she spotted him first. He was knelt over one of her snares to inspect it. With anyone else, Katniss would have jumped out immediately and forced him away, but she knew that he would leave it once he was done looking. It wasn’t worth coming face to face with him again.

Katniss started to back away quickly before he could turn in her direction. There was little to hide her in this particular area of the woods, but she held out false hope that she could at least get far enough away that he wouldn’t pick up on her presence.

She had only moved five feet when he called her name. She froze, unsure how to respond. Taking a deep breath, Katniss turned to face Gale Hawthorne for the first time in a year and a half.

“Gale.” She had meant to speak his name as a greeting, but instead her voice cracked and sounded hostile. She held back the hello that she had been planning to add.

“Katniss,” Gale echoed, saying her name for the second time. He straightened himself up from where he had been stooped over the trap and moved closer. Katniss couldn’t help the involuntary step backward that she took. Gale froze as well and was left looking at her from several feet away.

“I’ve been coming out here every day,” he said. “I kept wondering if I’d see you.”

“I’ve been busy,” Katniss said. “Couldn’t hunt.”

Gale nodded, taking the lie at face value.

“Why didn’t you come visit then?” Katniss asked, although thankful he hadn’t. “If you wanted to see me so badly.”

Gale let out a short, derisive laugh. “I figured you didn’t want to see me if you were avoiding the woods. It would have been useless to show up at your house.”

He was right. Katniss cursed the fact that he still seemed to know her so well after more than a year apart.

Katniss struggled to come up with a topic of conversation that didn’t feel dangerous.

“How’s Johanna?” she asked. In truth, Katniss knew exactly how Johanna was and had even spoken to her just the other day. The other former victor had even been the one to call and warn Katniss of Gale’s upcoming visit before Hazel had thought to mention it.

Gale’s face scrunched up in confusion at the question. Katniss thought he was curious about how much Katniss was aware of as far as Johanna was concerned, but Katniss struggled to keep her face neutral, as if she knew Gale and Johanna worked together but nothing more.

“Fine, I suppose,” Gale finally answered. “Pain in the neck to work with, honestly, but I assume she’s happy.”

As happy as Johanna can be, Katniss thought ruefully. It was almost becoming unbearable to talk to her friend each week, but Katniss was also thankful for the woman’s happiness that made Katniss so uncomfortable. She wanted to thank Gale, but she didn’t know if she could bring up such a topic.

“I’m happy for her,” is what Katniss finally decided on. “Your family’s been good too, but I guess you already knew that.”

Gale nodded. “Mom said you visit a lot. Thanks for that.”

“Of course I visit. I could never just leave your family.”

They’d begun walking side by side now in an eerily familiar fashion. The December air was still and quiet all around them. Katniss heard something scamper in the light snow covering the ground, but it stayed out of sight.

“How’s Mellark?” asked Gale.

“Good,” Katniss replied. She wasn’t sure how much she could risk saying without overstepping bounds. “We, uh, the two of us went off our medication last month, so that’s progress, I suppose.”

Gale nodded, a nervous tick that he seemed to have developed since the beginning of their conversation. “That’s great. I really am glad to hear that you two are doing well.”

Katniss could hear the sincerity in his voice, and it felt as if a weight had been removed from her shoulders. It was as if they were officially past any attachment beyond friendship that either had felt in the past.

“Thanks.” Katniss offered him a small smile. “I’m glad you’re doing so well too. A fancy military job. That’s pretty nice.”

Gale was fighting to keep down a prideful smile of his own. “I guess it is. I was pretty surprised to be offered it, so I couldn’t bring myself to turn it down.”

“It was for the best,” Katniss agreed, and both knew she wasn’t just talking about the job.

“It was, and I think we need to talk about that too.”

Gale stopped walking and took a deep breath. Katniss turned to him in anticipation, her entire body rigid in fright.

“Katniss, I have to address it. I know you don’t want to, but I have to say it outloud.”

Katniss frowned but didn’t stop Gale from continuing.

“When I went to District 2, I was mad at you. I was mad at everyone actually. But having space from you did exactly what I had hoped it would do. I just want you to know that I don’t resent any relationship that you have with Peeta, not one bit. You did good actually, and so did he. I can accept that, and now, I can even be happy for you. But you’re still my best friend, and I still miss having you in my life. I would really like if we could be friends again.”

Katniss considered him for a moment. Just as she was about to speak, Gale jumped in again. “Before you turn me down, just remember that I’ll still be in District 2. I’m only asking that you put up with occasional phone calls and visits like you do with Johanna.”

Katniss smiled. “I wasn’t going to say no, Gale. You’re my best friend too. We both needed space, not just you, but it’s been more than a year now. We both seem to have healed quite a bit and moved on too, I think. I’d like to be friends again.”

Gale smiled and pulled Katniss into a hug.

“Good,” he murmured into her hair. “I’ve missed you, Catnip.”

Katniss pushed aside the slight awkwardness she felt to hug him back, relishing being close to her best friend once more.

“I’ve missed you too, Gale.”

They pulled away and continued walking, most of the hesitance now gone and replaced with contentment.

“Do you want to eat dinner with us?” Katniss asked suddenly. “With me and Peeta. Your family could come too, if you want.”

Gale considered her offer. “My brothers would eat everything in your house.”

Katniss shrugged. “Nothing would make me happier to see.”

Gale grinned. “Okay, then. What time should I bring them around?”

Katniss smiled as they cemented the plans. The two of them stayed in the woods together for several hours after that and managed a larger amount of game than Katniss ever got by herself. They even shot a buck without Katniss having to worry about how she would carry one all the way back to town by herself. When Katniss offered Gale a fair half of their catch, Gale refused.

“You really don’t have to do that,” Katniss insisted. “You deserve it.”

Gale shrugged. “Maybe so, but I can’t take anything back to District 2 with me, and from my understanding, you keep my family well fed.”

Katniss finally stopped offering as a light blush covered her cheeks. It was true. She regularly took Hazel cuts of meat. The woman got paid enough from Haymitch for her and her family to live comfortably, but Katniss couldn’t completely shrug off the feeling of needing to look out for them and make sure they were fed.

“Besides,” Gale continued, “I’m assuming I’ll be eating some of it tonight anyway.”

Katniss looked around at what they had been able to catch: the buck, a rabbit, and two squirrels.

“Venison,” she said. There was plenty there to feed everyone.

Gale nodded. “We taking it back to your house then? You can’t carry that all the way there on your own.”

Katniss offered her thanks as they set off in the direction of Victor’s Village. As they approached, Katniss began to worry about how Gale would react upon learning that she and Peeta lived together. He seemed fine with their relationship, but would he expect things to have happened this quickly? It turned out that Katniss shouldn’t have worried. Upon entering the village, Gale headed straight for the house that had always been Peeta’s without asking any questions. Hazel, Katniss thought ruefully. She wondered how much Gale’s mother had been telling him about the state of things in District 12.

Katniss wasn’t sure whether they would encounter Peeta or not as they entered the house. The bakery had begun to take up a good deal of his time since its opening several months ago. Peeta had plenty of workers at his beck and call, more than he needed really since he loved being able to provide so many people with a livable wage, but he loved being around the place. Katniss knew his favorite part was giving out free baked goods to the children every so often, especially on birthdays, which he could finally afford to do.

The pneumonia still had him weak, and Katniss had been urging him to spend a little less time exhausting himself with the labor required around the shop. He didn’t listen, and although he insisted that he was spending his time at the bakery sitting down and observing, that wasn’t what Katniss had seen the few times she dropped by unannounced.

Sure enough, the house was empty, and Katniss’s calls of Peeta’s name resulted in silence. Gale didn’t step into the door, just set down what he had been carrying, promised to see Katniss later, and left. Katniss didn’t know if it was because he felt odd being in a house she shared with another man or he just needed to go. She pushed the thought from her mind as she began thinking about what she needed to do to prepare for dinner.

The venison was ready for cooking by the time Peeta arrived, looking worn out but healthier than he had in past weeks.

“What’s all this?” he asked as he took in the amount of meat that Katniss never brought back when she hunted on her own.

“Gale,” was Katniss’s only explanation. Peeta had known Gale was in the district, and he also knew that Katniss had been working hard to avoid her former best friend. He didn’t seem at all surprised that she had finally failed.

“I invited him to dinner,” Katniss said. “Him and his family. We got a buck. I’m planning to cook venison.”

Peeta was frowning at her, not necessarily in disapproval or anger but in a feeling of unsurety.

“Is that a good idea?” he asked. “Hawthorne and I eating dinner together?”

“He seemed fine with it.” Katniss shrugged. “We talked about things, and we’ve both moved on. He even said you and I made good choices. Besides, Hazel, Rory, Vick, and Posey will be here too. Just talk to them and not Gale if you want.”

Peeta nodded slightly and stepped up to the counter that Katniss stood at. “So, what do I need to do to help?”

Katniss leveled him with a stern look. “Nothing. You’ve done enough today. Go lay down in bed or at least the couch.”

“Katniss, I’m fine. Really. It’s been two months since the pneumonia. I can manage.”

Katniss shook her head, but relented slightly. “Chair then.” She pulled one out from the table and ushered Peeta into it. “I’ll give you some potatoes to cut up.”

Peeta seemed put out about being forced to sit, but he accepted the work given to him without complaint. They had managed to put an entire meal together by the time Gale and his family knocked on the door. Peeta ushered them inside, even greeting Gale without a hint of reservation. Katniss sighed in relief as they gathered around the table and sat in mismatched chairs.

With Gale and Peeta on either side of her, Katniss watched both men carefully for signs of trouble, but nothing happened. They spoke as if they were new acquaintances, but they were civil, even friendly. Katniss could feel tension leave her body as she realized this wouldn’t be a disaster.

The conversation was lively during the meal, with Peeta and Gale conversing more and more as they ate. It was a wonder to behold as far as Katniss was concerned and not something she had ever dreamt she would see.

Night had long since fallen when the Hawthornes decided it was time for them to leave. Katniss was surprised when she realized that she was sad to see them go. Even with how well the night had gone, Katniss watched with shock as Gale clapped Peeta on the shoulder in a rare sign of friendliness.

“You’re a good man, Mellark. I’ve always thought that, and despite our past, I’m glad she has you.”

Peeta made sure not to break eye contact with Gale.

“Thank you,” he stated simply.

The two men nodded at each other, and Gale followed his family out the door, shutting it behind him. As soon as the door closed, Peeta turned from it to face Katniss, who stood slightly down the hall. She watched him closely, waiting to see if he would have anything to say about the evening. Peeta smiled and took a step towards her with his hand offered out to her.

“Come on,” he said. “Let’s go to bed.”

Katniss took his offered hand and let him guide her up the stairs. They were good. All of them. Katniss, Peeta, and even Gale. They were all good.


	19. What If...

_“A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?” - Jane Wagner_

The familiar sunlight fell across Peeta as he awoke on a morning in February. It was hard to remember that it was winter with the light and Katniss both keeping him warm in the bed. Peeta ran his hand down Katniss’s back and rested it on her waist. She was still fast asleep on his chest in the same position he was lucky enough to find her in every morning he woke before she did.

Because of their morning routine, Peeta knew it was only a matter of minutes before Katniss would open her own eyes and be ready to start the day. Peeta cherished the moments he got like this. Katniss felt entirely relaxed against him, and Peeta dreaded the tension he would feel enter her body as she gained consciousness.

A shift in Katniss’s breathing alerted Peeta that she was coming out of her sleep. He waited for the familiar routine. Peeta stroked his thumb along Katniss’s hip as the familiar stiffness entered her body. He knew he would find her eyes open now if he were to glance down, but his eyes remained on the window. The same window that he knew Katniss would looking out of just about now. Her plans for the day started immediately. Peeta knew she would announce whether or not she would be hunting in just a minute or two.

“I don’t think I’ll go today,” Katniss announced, her voice cracking from sleep.

Peeta hummed in response. Katniss pushed herself up on an elbow to get a good look at him.

“I’m tired of the cold,” Katniss complained. “I think I want to stay inside all day.”

Peeta grinned. The days he and Katniss spent together at home were some of his favorites. He made a mental note to call Vanessa after breakfast and let her know she was in charge of the bakery today.

“Sounds like a good idea,” Peeta said.

He didn’t want to leave the warm bed where he got to have Katniss snuggled into his side, but already, Peeta could see her mind deciding whether or not to get up and retrieve her clothes for the day. She seemed to decide against it, and Peeta silently rejoiced as she snuggled closer to him while keeping herself up in order to see his face.

That was when Peeta realized that something was on her mind. She hadn’t had a nightmare the night before, but sometimes Katniss would have calmer dreams that left her preoccupied once she woke up the next morning.

“What is it?” Peeta knew that she was unlikely to give him any information if he didn’t ask.

Katniss’s frown deepened as she fiddled with a thread on the pillow that Peeta’s head rested on. She shook her head, but Peeta knew that she was only preparing herself to speak.

“What do you think would have happened if we hadn’t gone into the games?” she asked in a whisper.

“What made you think about that?”

Katniss shrugged. “Just a dream I had. We, uh, we were together in it, but Prim was there and your family. It didn’t seem like the games had happened at all, and it made think about what would have really happened if we hadn’t gone in the games.”

Peeta considered the hypothetical situation that Katniss described. There was no way to possibly know where their lives would have led without the games. There were too many diverging paths and too many decisions they could have been made in various ways.

“Who knows?” Peeta finally said. “I’d like to think I would have eventually worked up the courage to approach you and try to get to know you better, but I can’t say what you would have done.”

Peeta watched the frown etch itself in Katniss’s forehead once again, a sure sign that she was preoccupied with thoughts.

“I would have been distant,” she finally decided. “I wouldn’t have really trusted you, but I wouldn’t have been hostile. I owed you too much, even back then. You were the Boy with the Bread. You could have fought your way into my life if you tried hard enough.”

Peeta snorted with laughter. “Fought hard enough. That’s kind of the problem, love. Past me didn’t have experience with cold-blooded killers. Even a cold, distant sixteen year old girl would have been pretty scary.”

Katniss smirked down at him. “I was not scary. You could have me pinned to the ground defenseless in about five seconds if you wanted.”

“A physical fight wasn’t what I was scared of, Katniss.”

The amusement left her face. Katniss lifted a hand, and Peeta felt her fingers lightly trace against his cheek.

“You didn’t have to be scared of that either,” Katniss said. “Part of what made you so scary to me was how easy to love you I knew it would be. You were too good, too easy to become attached to. That terrified me.”

“I guess we were on more equal footing than either of us realized then, huh?”

“I suppose so.” Katniss dropped down to place a quick kiss on Peeta’s lips.

When she pulled away, she was looking lost in thought again. “I just wish there was a way to know this would have happened no matter what,” she finally said.

Peeta would be lying if he said he wasn’t shocked. He had never thought of Katniss thinking about their relationship in such a way. Peeta would never call their relationship shallow, it was anything but. The hard times they had been through was what made them so strong together and possibly the only reason they even worked together so well. Peeta would also be lying if he said he hadn’t wondered if their relationship would have had as much potential without such tragedies. As much as he knew Katniss loved him, she also wasn’t one to dwell on “what ifs,” and Peeta didn’t know how to take the information that she had apparently wondered the same things he had.

“We would have been very different people,” Peeta pointed out.

“Less broken.” Katniss nodded. “But the core of us would be the same, wouldn’t it? Maybe a little naive.” She let out a short laugh thinking about her pre-games self as being naive. “But still us, I think.”

“That’s just it though.” Peeta brought a hand up to play with Katniss’s hair. “If we hadn’t been through what we had and seen all of that, would you have been able to open yourself up to me?”

Katniss considered the question for a while, running her fingers along the skin of Peeta’s neck as she did so. Once she was ready to answer, she looked up into Peeta’s eyes. “Yes.” Her voice cracked. “I have to believe that.”

Peeta smiled lightly and drew his hand from her hair to stroke her cheek. Katniss brought her face down to kiss him once more. This kiss lasted longer and was much deeper than the previous ones of the morning. Katniss and Peeta paid no attention to the sun rising and causing the light to shift in the window. For the first time in memory, Katniss wasn’t bothering to get ready for the day as fast as she could in order to get something done. Their stomachs rumbled for food, but neither paid them any mind.

At first, it was nothing more than what they had done before. Shirts were off, and Katniss hovered above Peeta with her weight resting comfortably on his abdomen. It wasn’t until Katniss’s hands drifted down farther than usual that Peeta realized she wanted more.

“Peeta.” Katniss’s voice trembled with nerves. “Can we?”

Her hand was drifting along the waistband of his pajama pants now, and Peeta had to fight to clear his mind.

“Are you sure?” he asked. “Do you want to?”

Katniss bit her lip and nodded. “I want to.”

Peeta took a deep breath to steady himself. “Okay.”

At that moment, the “what if’s” ceased to matter entirely. What mattered was what had happened, what Katniss and Peeta had been through, both together and apart, that led them to that day where they were together in the same bed and made love for the first time. Neither one of them could change the past or control what they would have done in an alternate universe. What they did have power over was right now, and right now they loved each other fully and completely with all that they had. That love could never be overshadowed by what could have been.


	20. Lace

_“It is difficult to see why lace should be so expensive; it is mostly holes.” - Mary Wilson Little_

Katniss scratched at her lace covered arms as she glanced around the ornate room. This was the first trip she had made to the Capitol since the war, and the entire place filled her with a sense of dread. She couldn’t shake the thought of someone dying at any moment, even after being greeted warmly by Paylor and other top government officials, none of whom gave any indication of wanting to do her, or anyone else, any harm.  
The new government had toned things down a tad, but the style was still clearly meant to show off power and authority. What struck Katniss the most was the freeness of the presidential palace that hadn’t been there previously. Before, access had been restricted to the most aristocratic of the Capitol citizens. Now, she had seen various Capitol citizens of all sorts mulling about and even an occasional citizen clearly from a district who had saved up enough money to make the trip and go on a tour of the building. The highly technical security systems all but guaranteed that it was a safe building, but no outright distrust of any particular citizen was shown. Katniss had never known such a thing was possible from a government.

Katniss continued her inspection of the small, private room that she and Peeta had been granted in the visitor’s wing of the building. Katniss had come to know certain parts of the government building well over the past several days as she explored in place of the hunting she would typically do. Many times Peeta would go with her, and they would wander until coming across a restricted area.

Part of the government reforms had been remodeling the entire presidential palace into what was now called the Capitol Building. Every important aspect of the national government happened in the building that was now even larger than it had been before. Katniss would have been against it if it weren’t for the new feel the building presented. It wasn’t a private residence for one overly wealthy ruler. Paylor lived here, but only in a relatively small area of the massive complex. The rest of the building appeared to be more for the people than the president, and Katniss reluctantly felt herself feeling a bit attached to the building.

The room she and Peeta had been put in was still decorated slightly over the top for Katniss’s tastes, but she could understand certain aspects of its appeal to others. White and black seemed to have been the colors most used throughout the decor, and Katniss found herself fond of the simpleness in color, if not ornamentation. Everywhere Katniss looked there seemed to be something she was worried about breaking. Even the posts on the large bed seemed as if they could be damaged with relative ease.

The mirror Katniss stood in front of was carved in just the same way as those bed posts. It’s white painted frame outlined Katniss’s reflection, or, rather, the person who was supposed to be Katniss. Her former prep team had just left the room, leaving Katniss looking much different than how she had woken up that morning.

When Katniss and Peeta discovered that they would have no choice but to attend the celebration of the new constitution’s ratification, Katniss had immediately requested that no stylists be forced on her other than her old prep team. They had been thrilled to see her that morning and had forced Peeta out of the room as quickly as possible in order to start their work.

Katniss fumbled with the lace of her dress as she thought about the party she was due to attend in less than twenty minutes. The constitution had been written and approved within a year of the end of the war, but a new system set in place required its approval by each district government, a process that took much longer considering new district governments had to be set up as well. In true bureaucratic fashion, the Capitol was now holding a celebration of the constitution months after it was approved and ratified. It was partly public, with all invited to attend a party outside the Capitol Building and with joint celebrations happening in every district, yet it would also be partly aristocratic with the highest of all of the Panem citizens minging and having exclusive access to an area of the Capitol Building. Katniss and Peeta couldn’t be excluded, Paylor had claimed.

The other former tributes would be attending as well. Even Gale was being goaded into attending by Johanna, who Katniss thought didn’t want to attend such a party alone.

Katniss’s dress for the occasion had been designed by some new stylist Katniss didn’t recognize the name of, but Octavia had prattled on to Katniss that this stylist’s work was chosen because of her resemblance to Cinna’s style. Katniss didn’t see it, but that was perhaps because she couldn’t picture anyone matching Cinna’s talent.

It was a pretty dress. Katniss could tell that much. The hem brushed the hardwood beneath Katniss’s feet, and the red lace all over the bodice of the dress and down through the sleeves was intricately designed. Katniss found herself tracing over the design trying to make sense of it with no success. However, Katniss itched, whether it was from the dress itself or the thought of being dressed up, and she loathed the idea of walking around in such a state amongst the haughtiest of Panem.

A light knock sounded on the door as Katniss studied her reflection. She turned her head slightly towards the heavily carved door and called, “Come in.”

Peeta stepped through wearing a tuxedo similar to the ones he used to wear in the Capitol except updated to the new styles of the time, which meant it was the slightest bit simpler. The tuxedo was mostly black, like the layer of Katniss’s dress partly concealed by the lace. The vest and tie Peeta had been given matched the bright red of Katniss’s lace. Everyone would know their outfits been designed together, just as they always had been.

Peeta stopped just inside the door to observe Katniss for a moment. Feeling somewhat insecure, Katniss turned back towards the mirror, ignoring Peeta’s reflection over her shoulder. He moved towards her and rested his chin on her shoulder while his fingers traced the lace along her stomach.

“Red and black for the Girl on Fire, of course,” he murmured in her ear.

“You’re in red and black too,” Katniss pointed out, causing Peeta to chuckle in her ear.

“Because of you.” He kissed her earlobe and then her neck. “It’s always because of you.”

Before Katniss could protest, Peeta had pulled away and taken her right hand in his left.

“I believe we have a party to get to,” he said with a smirk.

Peeta hadn’t been thrilled about this celebration either, but he had definitely been taking it better than Katniss.

“Don’t look so thrilled,” Katniss muttered as they set off down the hallway that was much too decorated for a place that people were only meant to pass through briefly.

“How can I? I get to spend the entire evening with you looking like that.”

He motioned to the dress covering Katniss’s body, and Katniss blushed. Peeta did that occasionally. He would just throw out random compliments whenever Katniss wasn’t expecting it, and it happened just infrequently enough for her to forget to expect them before they came.

“Stop,” she protest, giving him a slight poke in the side. “I feel so uncomfortable.”

Peeta sighed and dropped her hand to wrap an arm around her waist instead. Katniss welcomed it, as it helped ease the unbalance she felt in her heels. Peeta stopped walking just long enough to press a kiss onto her temple.

“You look fantastic,” he assured. “If it makes you feel any better, I’d rather you weren’t in it anyway.”

It took Katniss a few minutes to register his meaning. “Peeta!” she gasped. It had only been a month since that first night, and Katniss was still struggling to believe that the most intimate parts of their relationship were real. Sometimes, when going about her usual day to day activities, it all felt like a dream.

Peeta shrugged. “I meant that I’d rather you be in clothes you feel more comfortable in, but if you want to take it that way, that’s true too.” He smiled again and lightly squeezed her hip where his hand was still resting as they walked.

They had reached the area of the building where others were congregating, and Katniss, still a rather bright shade of red, pushed aside all talk of sex.

“Thank God,” Katniss heard from somewhere in the crowd. She recognized the voice immediately and turned just in time to see Johanna Mason appear dragging along a very disgruntled looking Gale Hawthorne.

Katniss held in her desire to laugh, but she could heard Peeta’s own muffled laughter behind the hand he had quickly lifted to cover his mouth. The sight of Johanna was one thing. Katniss had seen the woman dressed up enough times to not be bothered by the risque outfit Johanna’s stylist had put her in. Gale, on the other hand, had probably never touched a tuxedo before tonight, even with his fancy military job. The man looked even more uncomfortable than Katniss felt, and Katniss felt a strong surge of sympathy for her best friend.

Johanna seemed amused by Katniss’s and Peeta’s reactions. Katniss almost thought that the only reason Johanna had invited Gale along was to rejoice in his misery as a distraction from her own.

“Hey,” Gale greeted as he continued to fiddle with different aspects of his tuxedo. He seemed determined to ignore the amusement the others were showing.

“Gorgeous here is a real celebrity,” Johanna announced. “When he got his invitation, he didn’t want to come. Insisted that no one would miss him no matter what part he’d played in the war, but we’ve been stopped at least five times by his airhead fangirls.” Katniss was amused at the jealousy she detected in Johanna’s voice. “Do you know how many times we’ve been stopped because of me, a former victor? None.”

“I’m sorry?” Peeta faux apologized, his grin showing his amusement.

Johanna huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. “It’s not that I care about these people. I just don’t want Hawthorne to let it go to his head.”

“I think I’ll be okay,” Gale assured her. He was watching her with amusement and a hint of something else that caused Katniss to be taken aback. She realized this was the first time she had seen Gale and Johanna together since District 13 and her first opportunity to witness the new dynamic they had managed to create.

Johanna did nothing but huff in annoyance at Gale’s words.

“Is Annie here?” Peeta asked the others. “I heard she was supposed to get in right before the ceremony and leave right after.

Johanna nodded. “I haven’t seen her since it started, but we spoke for a few minutes when she first got here a few hours ago. She’s anxious about having left Miles with Mrs. Everdeen. First time they’ve been apart and all that.”

“We should probably check on her,” Peeta said. “Make sure she’s alright.”

Johanna and Katniss nodded, even Gale seemed to want to check up on the woman. With none of them being particularly thrilled about mingling with the socialites, they set off in search of Annie together. After passing an obnoxiously drunk Haymitch and clearly annoyed Effie, they finally found Annie trying to appear inconspicuous alone in a corner. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her stomach, and she shivered in her sea green gown even though the room was being kept at a comfortable temperature.

“It’s been so long,” Annie stated as soon as she honed in on the familiar faces in front of her. “I’m not used to this sort of thing. Even after my games, I mostly got out of it after the first year, and Finnick’s not here this time either.”

Peeta stepped forward and wrapped a comforting arm around Annie’s shoulders. She sunk into his embrace and seemed to relax a bit.

“We’ll stay with you,” Peeta said. Relief ignited in Annie’s eyes, and she quickly gave out her thanks.

Gale herded them all over to the food several minutes later, and after each had filled up their plates, the group of five obtained a free table that was littered with the plates, cups, and silverware of its previous occupants.

Haymitch, Effie, and even Flavius appeared while they sat there. The rest of the night consisted of them being gathered around the table and talking happily, except for the handful of dances that Peeta pulled Katniss away for and the one she shared with Gale. Even Johanna and Gale danced several dances while pretending they were just doing their duties as guests, and Peeta managed to convince Annie to dance once, which seemed to release even more of her anxiety.

Katniss was surprised when the party came to a close and she didn’t feel like it had dragged on. They escorted Annie all the way to the train station, their elaborate dress standing out even amongst the more casually dressed Capitol citizens milling about. It was odd walking around the Capitol carefree and unworried about detection, Katniss realized as she made her way back to the Capitol Building with Peeta, Gale, and Johanna. Johanna had removed her shoes long ago, and was now energetically running ahead of the group while she called out to them with laughter. It was the most carefree Katniss had ever seen the other victor. Even Gale, who Katniss had known for years, seemed more relaxed than usual and in the Capitol of all places. He was walking much more calmly next to Katniss and Peeta, but Katniss couldn’t ignore the smiles he kept sending at Johanna.

Katniss and Peeta parted ways from Gale and Johanna in the visitor’s wing of the Capitol Building when their respective paths diverged down different hallways.

Upon entering the ornate room once again, Katniss was reminded just how uncomfortable she had found her dress earlier that evening. The itching started up again, and she immediately went to pull it off without taking the time to round up pajamas. Before her hand could reach it, Katniss felt Peeta’s hand coming up to tug on the zipper. Not knowing how he had managed to find the small, concealed zipper so easily, Katniss shot an amused glance behind her as she felt the fabric move away and air hit her back.

Katniss slid her arms out of the itchy lace and tugged until the dress slid to the floor. She stepped out of the pile of fabric and back into Peeta’s still-clothed chest. Peeta’s arms wrapped around her now bare abdomen, and Peeta resumed his position from earlier that day by leaning down to whisper into her ear.

“I like it better down there,” Peeta whispered, nodding slightly towards the crumpled dress. Katniss shivered and felt the goosebumps erupt across her skin. Peeta placed a chaste kiss on her neck before moving his eyes up to look at Katniss in the mirror that stood across from them.

“It’s a pretty dress,” Katniss stated needlessly.

Peeta laughed gently and nodded. “The lace is pretty, but you’re the gorgeous one, Katniss.”

Katniss’s breath caught in her throat, and she turned away from the mirror to face Peeta and bring his lips down to meet her own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things with school have gotten really, really time consuming at the moment, especially since I have midterms next week and then fall break (which I expected to be kind of hectic) immediately after. I'm going to go ahead and warn you that it might be a bit before the next chapter comes. It's written (as are all five of the remaining chapters), but I'm going to be too busy with other things for a little while in order to post it. No one should worry if it takes two (or maybe three depending on how things go) weeks before the next chapter is up. I haven't abandoned this or anything. I'm just a bit preoccupied with school at the moment.


	21. Bird

_“It's best to have failure happen early in life. It wakes up the Phoenix bird in you so you rise from the ashes.” - Anne Baxter_

The sun was just beginning to peek through the gray clouds as Katniss took a seat on one of the damp steps. The rain had cleared in time for many of the district citizens to begin going about their days as normal.

Living all the way in Victor’s Village, Katniss often felt isolated from both the town and the Seam. Most of the time it was welcome, but occasionally a pang of some weird emotion would hit Katniss when she realized how estranged she was. Peeta at least had the bakery. Katniss just had selling meat sometimes and buying from Greasy Sae. In a rare moment of emotional weakness, Katniss had voiced as much to Peeta, and now here Katniss was, sitting on the stoop of the bakery alone on a Wednesday morning just as the birds had begun their daily singing.

Peeta had convinced her to come along with him that day by saying she could do whatever she wanted but maybe time in town would do her good. The walk into town had been wet, and Katniss had poised herself for a day of sitting around confined to the bakery. Then the sun had started to break through, and Katniss had wandered off to sit outside where she felt more at ease.

The bakery was nice for short periods of time, warm and comforting with a constant smell of delicious food. Katniss had begun to sweat slightly from the heat in the kitchen though, and the April air outside felt just right against her skin. Plus, you could only smell pastries for so long before you were strongly tempted to eat some, and Katniss didn’t think Peeta had asked her to come so that she could eat his stock.

The bakery staff arrived to work earlier than the workers at many other business because of the need to have the items baked before customers could arrive at opening time. Katniss could see lights turning on and signs being flipped to open as she sat on the step.

There were people milling about now, although Katniss knew this wasn’t as busy as the morning would get. More people would be heading to work soon. With the new supply of jobs, the workforce in town had gotten larger. The hospital had begun employing a good deal of people as technicians and secretaries since opening, and even more people had managed to get local government jobs in the Town Hall, which would have been unthinkable just two years prior.

Katniss also saw the occasional man walk by dressed to begin his shift in the mines. The industry had shrunk in the past couple of years, with the demand for coal shrinking as more people in the districts switched to more efficient means of energy that hadn’t been available this far from the Capitol before. This decline in demand of their formerly exclusive industry only made the recent rise in jobs more welcome, but some were still forced to work in the mines, as District 12 remained the only source of coal in Panem. Katniss had heard rumours that this wouldn’t be the case for long, but as it stood, the current demand left mining to still be a common profession among District 12 men, even as their wives took office jobs to help put more food on the table.

The conditions in the mines weren’t what they used to be. Workers’ rights had been one of the first issues covered by the new government, and all workers in Panem were now guaranteed a liveable wage and safe working conditions. The mines now weren’t the same mines Katniss’s father had died in, even if it still wasn’t the safest profession. Still, Katniss couldn’t help but feel a slight twinge of sympathy for the miners she saw walking past her that day. A part of her would never be able to trust the new government and its laws, no matter how much they proved themselves.

Children began filling the streets after the workers with their backpacks swaying as they ran and skipped around with each other. The town had been built more compactly this time around with all of the new buildings bunched closely together. Peeta’s bakery had wound up being right across from the new school, which Katniss saw as brilliant advertising. She had seen the way the children stopped to stare in the windows just as Prim used to do. Now that some families could afford to give their children a bit of spending money, students would come in several times a week to purchase something small for themselves and sometimes a friend.

No children came towards the bakery that morning, and Katniss wondered if it was due to her sitting on the steps. Many of the older residents of District 12 had become desensitized to her presence, but Katniss still caught some of the younger children staring at her in awe and slight fear on many occasions.

There was half an hour or so until classes were set to begin, and the children were taking that time to mill about outdoors and enjoy the lack of rain and spring temperatures. Katniss watched as they naturally divided themselves by both age and social groups. It wasn’t at all unlike Katniss’s previous experience as a student. The only thing Katniss didn’t notice was a student all by his or herself just like Katniss had always been, but Katniss knew that was because of her limited perspective. Such a student would be arriving much closer to the beginning bell or would have at least gone indoors already to prepare for the day as they had nothing better to do.

A young group of girls about thirteen years of age were gathered closest to Katniss. They had shot her several curious looks but mostly ignored her presence as they chattered with each other happily. Katniss watched them closely and thought of Prim. It struck Katniss that Prim would have just recently turned fifteen if she were still alive. These girls would have been just a couple of years behind her sister back before the bombing. They may have even known each other, had conversations.

Katniss’s heart skipped a beat as she saw the shirt tail that had come untucked from one of the girl’s skirts. Memories came back of Prim’s shirt coming undone just the same way, of Katniss tucking it back in and chastising, “Tuck in your tail, little duck.”

Katniss pulled herself away from the memories, not ready to relive them in the middle of town for all to see. With a deep sigh, Katniss stood from the step and headed back into the bakery, where the memories would continue to flow in some semblance of privacy.


	22. Fashion

_“Be sure what you want and be sure about yourself. Fashion is not just beauty, it's about good attitude. You have to believe in yourself and be strong.” - Adriana Lima_

Unease filled Katniss as she stepped into the doorway of the mostly abandoned house. She had moved the majority of her belongings to Peeta’s house almost a year ago, and this house had been used for little more than storing any items that Katniss had no use for.

It felt wasteful to have such a house sitting around and slowly falling apart. The other houses in Victor’s Village had recently been put up for sale. Apparently, they were technically government property, but the government had decided that they were unnecessary now that there were no new victors to give them to. Two houses were being kept for any visiting government officials that may come to the district, but the others would go to whoever was willing to pay the price.

Katniss didn’t think anyone in District 12 would be willing to buy a house they viewed as tainted by its original purpose. She and Peeta had both expressed beliefs that the houses would sit there for years without being sold. Still, the sales had prompted Katniss to do something about her own unused house. Soon it would be on the market too, and Katniss’s days were now to be spent cleaning out any personal items. Katniss had thought she would have plenty of time to do it slowly, but the realtor had claimed that people would jump at the chance to own the former house of the Mockingjay as soon as it was put on the market. Despite her continued doubts, Katniss had agreed to have the important items cleared out within a week.

Katniss had started with Prim’s room, the most painful in the house. The door hadn’t been opened in nearly two years, and it stood as a shrine to the life lost too young. Prim hadn’t had much in the way of material items, so it hadn’t taken long to clean out both her room and their mother’s previous room. Katniss had wrapped up most of the items to send to her mother in District 4, while keeping a few mementos of Prim for herself.

The rest of the house had been largely cleared already and sat full of the furniture that had been there since Katniss was given the house. The only place untouched was the attic. Katniss had tackled Prim’s room early in order to get such a painful act over with, but the attic had waited because Katniss didn’t think she could handle even more painful memories so soon.

The attic showed its disuse more than the rest of the house thanks to its already dirty, unfinished nature. Cobwebs overtook the place, and the trunks pushed up against a back wall were covered in dust. Katniss had planned to lug them over to Peeta’s and store them in the cellar of his house alongside the memories of his family without ever once glancing at the contents, yet she couldn’t resist her own curiosity once her hands touched the surface.

Katniss’s fingers left trails in the dust as they moved down to the metal locks of the nearest trunk. It snapped open with no problem and the bright colors of the expensive Capitol fabric immediately caught her eye. Her designs, or Cinna’s designs in truth, were stuffed into the trunk where they had been left after Katniss’s interview before the Victory Tour. Katniss had tried her hardest to give them back to Cinna afterwards, but he had insisted on her keeping several of what he claimed to be casual outfits and also one gorgeous dress.

Pushing the clothes aside, Katniss found the sketchbook full of Cinna’s designs, just as colorful as the clothes. Katniss pulled it out, being careful not to rip or wrinkle any of the pages. She flipped through Cinna’s beautiful drawings. Katniss could see the actualized versions of every item of clothing on the page. She didn’t believe she had seen such beautiful art from anyone except Peeta. Some of them were rougher sketches, but even in those Katniss could form beautiful pictures of what they could have been in her mind.

And these were only sketches Cinna had put together as a front for Katniss. They weren’t his best work, yet they shone with talent.

Katniss gripped the sketchbook tightly against her chest as she let the lid of the trunk fall closed. Katniss didn’t bother to open the other trunk, knowing that it too was outfits, ones Katniss had worn for the Capitol at various points in time.

Katniss wouldn’t let these trunks get left behind and taken by whoever happened to buy the house next. Katniss may never have a use for any of it again, but she couldn’t be so careless with Cinna’s work. She grabbed the handle of the trunk she had just opened and began to pull it towards the stairs that led down from the attic.


	23. Bunny

_“Feed the lettuce to the bunny and eat the bunny.” - Dashiell Hammett_

Movement outside the window caught Katniss’s eye, and she turned to see Peeta coming up the walkway towards the house. He was carrying something in his arms that Katniss couldn’t quite make out. Filled with curiosity, Katniss reached for the remote to flip off the television set she had only halfway been paying attention to.

Katniss had the door open as Peeta came up the stairs of the porch. Just as she was about to move aside to let him through, Katniss caught sight of the small, furry animal curled up in the cage Peeta held in his arms.

“What is that?” Katniss asked in disbelief.

“A rabbit,” Peeta confirmed, as if Katniss really couldn’t tell what it was he held.

It actually was quite different from what Katniss would typically call a rabbit. The fur was a mix of black and white, a large contrast to the light brown rabbits that Katniss usually encountered out in the woods. This one was also slightly rounder, indicating that it had spent its life having plenty of food handed to it without any effort on its behalf.

The thing seemed at ease settled in a corner of the cage that Peeta held. Its whiskers were twitching rapidly as its eyes inspected its surroundings. The thing held Katniss’s gaze as she watched it with apprehension.

“And why do you have it?”

Peeta sighed and moved to brush past Katniss and into the house. He headed directly for the living room and placed the cage on the coffee table before inspecting the rest of the room for a more permanent place for the rabbit.

“It’s meant to be a pet, Katniss.”

Peeta sat down on the couch directly in front of the animal and watched it hop about the small cage. Katniss moved to sit beside Peeta, but her glare was the opposite of Peeta’s slight affection.

“And why do you need a pet rabbit?”

Peeta shrugged. “I don’t need her, Katniss. I just thought it would be nice to have her. Ms. Augustus has begun breeding them.”

“Her? Breeding?” Katniss was confused. She had never given a thought to rabbits having genders, although she knew they did of course, and she certainly hadn’t ever imagined someone making them reproduce on purpose. Why not just leave them alone and let them do it on their own time? They seemed to do just fine.

Peeta hadn’t bothered to respond to Katniss’s question. He had leaned forward to unlatch the door of the cage and was pulling the rabbit into his arms. The rabbit was compliant as she was handled, and Katniss almost thought she saw the rabbit snuggle closer to Peeta’s chest as he held her.

“I was thinking of calling her Jasmine.” Peeta scratched behind the rabbit’s ears.

“Jasmine,” Katniss repeated. Peeta just nodded, and Katniss sighed, knowing she wouldn’t get anywhere. “What about Buttercup?” was Katniss’s last real argument.

“Ms. Augustus said cats and rabbits get along just fine as long as you’re careful.”

Katniss raised a skeptical eyebrow. “We’re talking about Buttercup.”

Peeta shrugged. “I’ll deal with it.”

Katniss could picture the day she came across Jasmine’s bloody remains and a very satisfied looking Buttercup, but she didn’t say as much to Peeta.

“Fine.” Katniss knew she wouldn’t get anywhere, so it was better to just give in. “How much can a rabbit eat anyway?”

Peeta smiled as he leaned over to kiss her briefly on the lips. “Exactly,” he agreed before carrying on getting Jasmine settled into her new home.

Jasmine and Buttercup would go on the become tolerant acquaintances, much to Katniss’s chagrin, and Katniss would have to hide the sadness she felt twelve years later when Jasmine finally passed away in her cage after succumbing to old age, just a year or so before their first daughter was born.


	24. Scars

_“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” - Khalil Gibran  
“The soldier above all others prays for peace, for it is the soldier who must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war.” - Douglas MacArthur  
“There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.” - Harry Crews_

Peeta ran his fingers up Katniss’s forearm as they sat together in the meadow. This was one of their favorite places to sit when the weather was nice. Grass had finally managed to grow abundantly over what had been an expanse of dirt, and summer wildflowers dotted the landscape. Although both Peeta and Katniss were acutely aware of the mass grave beneath their feet, the knowledge had lost some of its previous sting.

Peeta still hadn’t lost the fascination with Katniss’s skin he had held ever since they were reunited after the war. As soon as he knew he had permission to, his hands would often find ways to touch whatever area of Katniss’s skin he could.

If he reached through the hazy memories of the years before the hijacking, Peeta could remember thoughts here and there about Katniss’s skin. It hadn’t been smooth and flawless back then either. Katniss was callused and slightly scared even as a young girl, yet looking back, she seemed so unmarked in comparison to now when Peeta couldn’t go even an inch without finding some sort of mark that showed what she had gone through.

One of the younger girls who worked in the bakery had left a magazine lying around the other day, one of the newer ones that originated in the Capitol but had managed to make its way to the second to last district. It was full of heavily makeuped models with skin that seemed to have been smoothed on just for the pictures. It had caused Peeta’s brow to furrow as he thought about how boring such a concept of beauty was.

No, Peeta much prefered Katniss’s scarred skin. It told a story, a horrific one, but a story nonetheless. It made her interesting. Even though Peeta wouldn’t have wished such scars on her if he could rewrite their lives, these scars were what made her Katniss, and Peeta wasn’t sure who she would be if she didn’t have them.

Her skin had repaired itself in the two years that Peeta had watched. It took longer than his own did. The naturally reddish tone of his old skin meshed in quicker with the newer skin, but Katniss’s continued to stand out for months after Peeta’s skin tone had evened out. It had been an uneasy point with her. He could tell, even though she never said so. Peeta would sometimes find her looking at her body with a frown. Even now, she sometimes seemed to feel as if her skin looked like a patchwork quilt, but Peeta knew that the skin had mended itself together into one coherent piece long ago.

Here and there Peeta would find slight marks where he knew the skin had once been sewn together, but they were faint lines and nothing more, with the skin on either side just the same. He had them on his own skin, although the white of the marks blended in better with his paleness.

These faint lines were the hallmark of Katniss’s scars. The ones that Peeta knew resulted from the most horrific moment of her entire life. The others were complimentary. They didn’t bother Katniss in the slightest. In fact, she was proud of them. These were scars that she got for hunting to provide for her family, for fighting for her and Peeta’s survival. Those scars represented how brave Katniss was. The others did too, Peeta thought, but Katniss didn’t seem to see it that way. They marked more of a failure to her. One that ended with the death of the most precious person in the world.

Peeta brought Katniss’s arm to his lips and left a light kiss where one of the lines criss-crossed her skin. Goosebumps erupted across the skin, but Katniss said nothing, by now used to Peeta’s touches. Instead, she reached out her free arm and pulled Peeta’s hand away to take it in her own. He felt her fingers tracing the scars that littered his skin based only on her memory, and he smiled knowing that she had memorized him just as he had her.

Peeta raised his eyes to meet Katniss’s, which were watching him with a contentment that he had always hoped to see. They both may have been scarred far past repair, but they were okay now. Not okay, Peeta reminded himself. Good. They were good. Peeta had come to realize that their past was what helped them appreciate their present so much more, and their present was pretty fantastic.


	25. Sparkle

_“People are like stained - glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross_

The small box seemed to weigh fives times its real weight in Peeta’s pocket. It bounced against his thigh as he walked back towards Victor’s Village. He had been a nervous wreck all day at the bakery just knowing that he would be able to buy the ring after closing. He had chosen it more than two weeks ago, but Katniss was too observant for Peeta to chance keeping it around the house.

He would rather have done this during the day in all honesty. Preferably, out in the meadow where they spent a good deal of time, but the meadow was too public, which Katniss would dislike. Besides, now that the ring was in his possession, Peeta couldn’t help but act on it right away.

Even as Peeta neared the house, he wasn’t sure exactly how he was going to go about it. Engagement rings were a new trend out here in the districts. Apparently, they had always been around in the Capitol, where the citizens took every chance they could to purchase more jewelry. The rings purchased in District 12 seemed to be more downplayed in comparison, but the people seemed to not mind and took pride in purchasing the best ring they were capable of.

Peeta knew that the ring wouldn’t be at all important to Katniss, but he still felt good about his purchase. He probably could have afforded the most expensive ring stocked in the small jewelry store, but it had been a gaudy-looking sort of thing that Katniss would never wear. Instead, he had decided on a nice one that seemed to fit Katniss’s personality the most. It was a beautiful ring, even with a gem smaller than most of the other rings in the shop. If ever there was a ring Peeta could convince Katniss to wear, this was it.

His heart began to beat faster as the house came into view. The steps required to get to the front door seemed to have shrunk, and before Peeta even realized it, he was walking down the hall towards the kitchen. No one responded to Peeta’s call that he was home, meaning that Katniss was either still in the woods or back in the town Peeta had just left. His heart calmed slightly at her absence, but quickly sped up again as he realized that he had more time to dwell over what he was about to do.

Having nothing else to ease his mind, Peeta set to work with dinner. His hands shook slightly, making it a bit hard to not splatter things on the counter, but he managed to not make too big of a mess. The entire meal was laid out by the time Katniss came through the front door just before their typical dinner time.

She clearly didn’t think anything was amiss as she went about her usual routine. She greeted Peeta with a kiss and thanked him for already having dinner ready as she settled into her usual seat at the table. If she picked up on Peeta’s nervousness, Katniss didn’t comment.

Peeta, deciding that after the meal would be best, began to eat his own food while ignoring the sickening feeling in his stomach. He had managed to eat everything on his plate by the time Katniss scooped it up to take it to the sink, but it sloshed around unpleasantly in his stomach. His fingers itched to pull out the small box still nestled in his pocket as Katniss scrubbed the plates and silverware clean, seemingly oblivious.

As soon as she was finished, Katniss smiled at him innocently and motioned slightly towards the living room with her head. The living room was where they spent most of their time after dinner, and Katniss followed the usual routine right down to the spot she typically sat in. She had to finally be picking up on Peeta’s mood as he sat down beside her, arms brushing. Jasmine rustled around in her cage, completely oblivious to her owner’s fearfulness or what was about to happen in front of her.

Peeta took Katniss’s familiar hand in his own. It was nothing unlike his actions every other night, except tonight he took extra care to caress the finger that could soon be adorned with a slim silver band.

Katniss seemed to shiver slightly as his fingers touched hers, and Peeta wondered if she suspected, if he really had been that obvious over the past several days.

His hand went for his pocket, all worry pushed aside. His adrenaline took over as he grasped the velvet covered box and pulled it out into the light. Peeta could feel Katniss’s eyes snap to it immediately. He looked up to see her watching the box intently with just the slightest hint of worry in her eyes.

“Katniss,” Peeta began. She tore her eyes from the box to look at him. “I know you always said before that you never wanted to be married, but you can’t deny that the two of us have built our lives together over these past two years. It would mean so much to me if you’d agree to marry me?”

Peeta pulled his hand from hers to open the box and reveal the ring. The worry eased in her eyes as she saw the design of the ring, and Peeta’s nervousness diminished.

Katniss’s gaze only lingered on the ring for a second before snapping back up to look Peeta in the eyes.

“Yes,” she stated simply, not an ounce of fear in her voice.

Peeta felt as if he had suddenly floated off the couch. Katniss watched him with thinly veiled amusement.

“Were you worried I’d say no?”

Peeta shrugged, feeling somewhat foolish now.

“You were always against marriage before. Even with our relationship these past two years, I couldn’t sure that you were ready, or ever would want, to take this step.”

“I was against marriage in the Panem we lived in during the games. I always said that things could be different if I didn’t live in that sort of place, and I don’t anymore. I’ve already intertwined my life with yours, Peeta. I’m not scared to marry you and make it more official.”

Peeta’s hands shook as he pulled the ring from its box and clumsily slipped it onto Katniss’s finger. They both watched as it sparkled slightly in the light.

Katniss sighed. “It’s not as bad as it could be,” she remarked. The slight smile on her face hinted that it was mostly a joke, but Peeta knew she would have never chosen to wear a ring herself.

“You don’t have to wear it all the time, or ever, if you don’t want,” Peeta assured her. “I just wanted to give it to you. It makes no difference to me what you do with it.”

Katniss tilted her hand to watch the ring sparkle and shook her head. “No, I’ll wear it. I want to. Not for the ring, but for what it means.”

Peeta smiled and leaned in to kiss her. His hand reached for hers again, and his fingers traced their way over her skin, just like always. Only this time, they also brushed over the sleek silver and sparkling diamond that now sat perched on Katniss’s finger as a symbol of the rest of their lives together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah. That's the end, guys. I can't believe it. Thank you so much to everyone who read and supported it. It means a lot.
> 
> For those of you who don't know, there will be a companion story to this one! It's not a sequel. It will follow Gale and Johanna in District 2 during the same time span of this story, and it will overlap at times (probably not difficult to figure out where). That will be called Move On and Recover, and I'm hoping to have the first chapter up before the end of 2014. It'll be the final story for the Hunger Games 100 theme challenge, so that'll feel amazing to have completed. As of right now, a draft is written, and I'm editing it. I'm almost done with my first round of edits, and then it's going to a couple of people who have a agreed to beta read it. Once they send it back, I'll make the necessary changes and have it up for you guys as soon as I can! I hope you guys will enjoy that one too, but I can understand if Gale/Johanna isn't your thing and you decide not to.
> 
> Thank you again so much for reading! I really appreciate every single reader, especially every single one of you who left comments or kudos. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.


End file.
